Effective Conflict Management in Relationships

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. When two people come together, having different backgrounds, cultures, and upbringings, conflict is bound to happen. It can be a source of anxiety for many couples, especially if conflict resolution is not a skill they are familiar with.

Conflict can be a source of tension in relationships, or it can foster greater intimacy and understanding. John Gottman’s research identifies three types of conflict resolution styles among couples.

Conflict Resolution Styles

Validating couples hold to a standard of compromise and mutual respect. Their goal is to maintain harmony through shared empathy and understanding. Emotions are expressed in a calm way, and the problem is usually presented gently rather than harshly. The strength of this couple is that there is emotional attunement and fairness, but their weakness may be avoiding conflict for the sake of keeping the peace.

Volatile couples are passionate, expressive, and lively. They believe that conflict is part of intimacy. Their arguments are intense and direct. Disagreements are welcomed and seen as an important part of the relationship, in which each partner can openly express their feelings through natural debate.

The strength of this couple is that they are energetic, engaged, and passionate. A potential downfall, however, is that their arguments can easily become destructive if there is not enough positive sentiment in the relationship.

Conflict-avoidant couples aim for peace and stability. They tend to avoid confrontation and emotional intensity to minimize conflict. Their shared perspective is that things will resolve on their own, and they focus on what they agree on rather than what they disagree on. The strength in this relationship is a cooperative and calm environment; the weakness may be that unresolved issues pile up, leading to resentment and avoidance.

Research shows that couples are more likely to manage conflict well when they have similar conflict resolution styles. Problems are more likely to arise when conflict styles differ. A mismatch in conflict styles is often a predictor of the health of a relationship.

For example, if a partner with an avoidant conflict style is paired with one who has a volatile conflict style, disagreements may become perpetual because conflict styles are usually rooted in personality traits, emotional wiring, and communication habits that have been established throughout a lifetime.

Couples often face ongoing differences because they are unable to effectively understand and communicate with one another. But with effective intervention, couples with mismatched conflict styles can develop a healthy dialogue in which mutual understanding is cultivated.

The Importance of Managing Conflict

Successful couples don’t simply avoid conflict; instead, they learn how to manage conflict effectively. When conflict isn’t managed well, couples may feel a sense of emotional withdrawal, decreased intimacy, and resentment toward their partner.

Often, conflict becomes an area of dysfunction because there is increased negativity in the relationship through criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. When any of those patterns of communication are present in a relationship, it becomes increasingly difficult to manage and work through conflict, and trust erodes over time.

If handled well, conflict is an opportunity for deeper connection because it strengthens understanding. It’s an opportunity for growth in which a person can gain greater self-awareness and improve emotional development. Research shows that the long-term outcome of a relationship isn’t predicted by how often couples argue, but rather by how well they repair and reconnect (Gottman & Gottman, n.d.).

Getting Ahead of Conflict

Conflict management often begins before a conflict even arises. A couple can get ahead of conflict by establishing a culture of fondness and appreciation. Conflict is better navigated when a couple feels connected, has a shared appreciation, and each partner individually reflects on the gratitude they feel toward their partner.

Additionally, couples can get ahead of conflict by recognizing these four toxic communication patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism Criticism involves expressing a complaint as if it’s a defect in your partner’s personality, attributing it as a negative trait (Gottman & Gottman, n.d.). An example of this is saying things like, “You’re so selfish,” or “You’re lazy.”

Contempt Contempt is shown through statements that come from a place of superiority. It involves sarcasm and name-calling, and it is the #1 predictor of divorce. Contempt can be seen in statements such as, “You’re an idiot,” or “You’re pathetic.”

Defensiveness Defensiveness is a form of self-protection that comes in the form of innocent victimhood, saying things like, “It’s not my fault.”

Stonewalling Stonewalling involves emotional withdrawal from an interaction (Gottman & Gottman, n.d.). This can look like shutting down, walking away, or being silent. If any of these communication patterns characterize conflict with your partner, it’s important to catch them and work toward more effective forms of communication.

Getting ahead of conflict also involves using the “Gentle Start-Up” method in the first three minutes of a conversation. Research shows that if a conversation starts negatively, there’s a 96% chance that it will end negatively. To move away from this negative interaction pattern, Gottman coined the term “Gentle Start-Up,” which involves starting conversations with “I feel…” rather than a “You always…” statement. Then, describe what happened and the positive need.

In addition, it’s important to respond with interest and engagement, listening in order to truly understand rather than to defend oneself. The key to conflict resolution is repairing things quickly to avoid the negative spiral that takes place over time. After the initial conflict has been managed, make it a point to engage in ongoing maintenance conversations that begin and end with appreciation and gratitude.

People often find it difficult to establish healthy conflict dynamics because it was not modeled for them in their family of origin. Conflict styles are usually established early in life and are modeled to us by the adults in our lives.

These conflict styles tend to find their way into our adult relationships without our awareness, creating dysfunctional patterns of communication. The goal isn’t to remove conflict, but to find more effective ways to manage it and thus minimize relational ruptures, emotional disengagement, and built-up resentment.

Next Steps

If you find yourself intimidated by conflict, you’re not alone. Conflict can cause a great deal of stress and strain on relationships. Having a dysfunctional conflict pattern does not mean your relationship is doomed. If both partners are willing to work toward healthier communication habits, conflict can become a catalyst for intimacy rather than a cause for despair.

It may seem daunting and hopeless, but therapy is a great place to begin the journey. The first step involves identifying your conflict style and becoming aware of the dysfunctional patterns that arise in moments of conflict.

You and your partner can work with a therapist to move toward healthy conflict by identifying the antidotes to toxic communication and applying them to your relationship. If you’d like to begin this journey, contact our offices to schedule a session with one of our trained therapists. We can work toward relational stability together.