In my previous article, I offered three prompters to help you create your own list of Core Values that can help you to overcome codependency. The intention in this is to
find something more stable than the changing emotions of others in order to gauge whether or not you are OK. This is what we naturally fall into from infancy and childhood, and, to varying degrees, we naturally tend toward codependency in our committed relationships. As a result, we crash when others fail to give us the feedback we need in order to feel validated. We get defensive, we counterattack, or we shut down and pout.
Developing Core Values: 6 Six More Prompters
In this article, I offer six more samples for you to use in order to develop solid truths about yourself from the Gospel. Relational conflict can provide a helpful stimulus, for it drives you to own and actuate in real-time the truths that you know on paper.
4) If God is For Me…
Read Romans 8:31. If you are a disciple of Jesus Christ, then God is for you. God endorses you and wants you to succeed in your endeavors because your endeavors are centered on your being a disciple of Jesus.
Such self-talk that can help you with any venture you are involved in. This includes relational ventures, such as when you are making an effort to go forward relationally with someone. This may mean becoming more intimate with your spouse, having greater respect for your kids, or showing deference to and creating camaraderie with your co-workers. Or it may mean the effort involved in showing respect to an errant boss or other authority figure, showing love to those who are mistreating you, or growing in affection and brotherly love for those you know at Church. In all of these situations, you can say to yourself: “God is for me in this; who can be against me?”
5) He Will Perfect You to the Uttermost
Read Hebrews 7:25. All the flaws that you can possibly imagine having (and some that you can’t), are the objects of His redemption of you. He will perfect you to the uttermost – there are no caveats, no exceptions, no disclaimers … period.
6) Jesus Has All Authority
Read Ephesians 1:20-22 and Matthew 28:18. It is important to understand that Jesus has all authority, and is sovereign over all rulers. This includes all of the little rules that you set up for yourself – all of your little economies by which you condemn yourself if you fall short. Yes, He owns all of the playing pieces and He trumps any of these little games you have set up for yourself. He overrides them when necessary, and without apology, because He is absolutely intentional about saving you. He is like a dog with a bone and He is not letting go.
7) The Cross is Absolute
The Cross means that you are prepaid on everything. You can carry this knowledge into every relational encounter. You are OK at all times and this is dependent on the Cross – plus nothing else. It does not depend on your apology or on your performance. Knowing that you are prepaid, you can afford to confront yourself in mid-sentence with someone. There is no need to defend yourself and you are free to go forward.
8) Remind Yourself of Your Intentions
Sometimes you need to remind yourself of your good intentions for the other. You may need to be clear on your concern for their welfare and the high regard in which you hold them. This is especially true when their anxiety or fearfulness is sending flak your way. This is love, which, as a disciple, should be your continual motive (or course correction). Remaining steady throughout the barrage can help to bring your good intentions to the surface.
9) What Would God Say?
Sometimes people are abusive, abrasive, or just simply nasty to you. When someone says, “You’re stupid,” it can be helpful to say, “You know, Lord, I don’t think you would say that about me.” And then to add, “You’re always right, so I don’t need to chase this red herring, or spend any time being defensive. I can afford to care for this person, find out what hurts them, and genuinely bless the person who is ‘cursing’ me.”
Christian Counseling to Overcome Codependency
If you have not yet read it, look for my previous article in which I presented three other prompters to help you crystallize your own set of Core Values. These can help you to live your life from the solidity of Gospel truths, rather than floating on the sea of the whimsical feelings of others.
Discussing these values with a Christian counselor can help you to pinpoint where they should be showing up in your everyday encounters.
“30 de junio al . . .” courtesy of RFEBM Balonmano, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY-SA 2.0); “Crying and laughing,” courtesy of Quinn Dombrowski, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY-SA 2.0); “Asian Couple Sitting Next to Each Other,” courtesy of StockPhotosforFree.com
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