A Sexual Addiction Counselor Explains How Culture Creates Sex Addicts

Reference
“Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction” by Patrick Carnes, Ph. D.

Our culture creates sex addicts. Obviously, the fault is not all society’s, otherwise everyone would be a sex addict. Whether someone develops a sexual addiction also has a lot to do with lessons their family taught them about sex, and whether they were sexually abused as children. However, cultural mores can exacerbate these early lessons, as Patrick Carnes says in his book, “Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction.”

“If a man comes from a family in which he feels bad about himself, has little confidence that women would want to be with him, and believes that sex is the one comfort he cannot do without, addiction can occur. Place that man in a culture that makes women into sexual objects, and addiction will thrive.” (149-150)

How Sexual Abusers view Women?

Princeton came out with a study in 2009 that offered some frightening insight into how exploiting women’s sexuality in advertising has warped how men view women. Princeton University psychologist Susan Fiske conducted an experiment where she showed heterosexual men sexualized photos of women in bikinis. She took brain scans while they looked at the pictures and found that looking at the photos activated the pre-motor area of the brain– the part of the brain that lights up when someone approaches a tool.

She also found that participants who tested high in sexual hostility had a tendency to shut down the area of the brain that considers other people’s intentions. In other words, these would-be sexual assailants didn’t see sexually alluring women as human. (The Equality Illusion by Kat Banyard)

Jesus said loving your neighbor as yourself is the second most important principle for Christians. Yet, sex addicts must treat others as inhuman in order to satisfy their addiction. This is how sin stays alive, by replacing the high bar of truth with delusions that are more accessible. It is too difficult for sex addicts to find the stimulation they crave if they respect other people’s sexual boundaries, so they ignore that the objects of their desire were made in the image of God.

What causes Voyeurism?

Sexual addicts who engage in acts that involve unaware or unwilling people divest their victims of their personhood. They see them only as means to an end. This happens because they believe no one will willingly meet their sexual needs. Dr. Nerdlove, a relationship blogger who focuses on geek culture, explains it this way, “[This is] what happens when entitlement and resentment melt together and form a bitter little pill.”

For some sex addicts, this sense of powerlessness can lead to violent acting out. No one will give them what they want. They must take it. However, these voyeuristic, and sometimes violent, acts have an added bonus of being more sexually stimulating than what they were doing before. Feeding the addiction is paramount. Relationships, moral boundaries, and life pursuits become collateral damage as the addict’s brain dilutes and twists the truth to enable the addict to engage in this behavior.

They make a habit of the dangerous behavior Paul warns against, “Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.” (Rom. 6:12 NIV) Addiction is not merely sinful behavior. It is an inability to resist doing something. Addicts are powerless to control themselves. As the addiction require larger bales of straw to spin into the same amount of gold, addicts will find themselves doing what they swore they never would. That is why the must get help.

Sexual addiction demonstrates an internalization of poisonous cultural messages about sexual relationships. The first– because their parents taught them they couldn’t rely on adults, and possibly encouraged unhealthy patterns of sexuality, sex addicts channel all this uncertainty into an unquenchable desire for sexual stimulation. The second– they are convinced their sexual needs will never be met. For male sex addicts, this is exacerbated by the sexist myth that all women are teases who love to sexually frustrate men. (150-151)

Christian Counseling for Sexual Addiction

Much of sex addiction is rooted in destructive beliefs stemming from childhood abandonment and abuse. For there to be healing, sex addicts must confront the parts of them that are convinced they cannot depend on others, and combines every emotional and relational need into an insatiable lust.

“Most people have problems because they believe that there are only certain options–usually self-defeating–open to them. All addicts and co-addicts face the same task in recovery: understanding their belief systems and finding alternatives. To disrupt the addictive system, each person must enter a process that replaces faulty beliefs with healthy ones.” (154, 163)

Sex addiction is not a victimless crime. Even if the subject has no idea they are being watched, photographed, or recorded. If you or someone you know has become so obsessed with sex that you have progressed to involving unknowing or unwilling participants, consider getting in touch with a professional Christian counselor. Addicts cannot control themselves or reform on their own. Please get help before someone gets hurt.

Find a professional Christian counselor who will help you find an antidote for the toxic messages society has fed you about sex and relationships. They will use therapeutic techniques and Christ’s example of compassionate love to help you build healthier relationships.

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