Important Premarital Topics to Cover with a Counselor

The First 4 of 7 Premarital Topics

Premarital counseling has been proven to increase the probably of a marriage lasting longer. But what should one address in premarital counseling? This article is the first in a two-part series in which I will identify seven key topics for premarital counseling

1. Temperament and Personality Mix

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27)

The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ (Genesis 2:18)

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Men and women were made to complement each other and this is particularly true in marriage. The physical coming together of a man and a woman reflects an emotional and spiritual bond, which nevertheless preserves each partner’s own personality and sense of self.  The question, ‘How do we fit together as unique individuals with our own personality?’ is an important question that premarital counseling can help to address. As the counselor assesses their personalities and temperaments, usually utilizing questionnaires or other assessment tools and their interpretation, the couple are able to see, acknowledge, and affirm their individual and relational strengths, and also their growth areas. Our personalities and temperaments shape how we process information, deal with stress, and affect one another. Couples who work toward acceptance of each other’s strengths and deficits are happier than those who are critical of their partner’s traits. Many practical implications for team-work emerge when couples understand how they fit well together.

2. Effects of Family of Origin

…punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third or fourth generation of those who hate me. (Exodus 20:5b)

God describes His jealousy and His desire for exclusive worship, together with the consequences experienced through a number of generations by those who hate (i.e. reject) Him. There are invisible ties that bind, patterns of relating, and familial struggles that are passed on to the next generation when no one has asked Jesus into the places in the heart where sinful patterns have been repeated. Each new marriage is about a legacy; it provides the opportunity to build on past obedience to God or to start anew in one’s own marriage in order to build a new legacy. Premarital counseling can ask the questions: What patterns, relational blessings, and/or curses and tendencies am I bringing into this marriage from my past? What expectations do I bring into this marriage based on my experience in my family of origin? What do I want to retain and improve, and what do I want to dis-engage from and renounce? What roles and rules have I embraced as a child that I am bringing into this marriage? This is typically described as ‘baggage’ and concerns the unhealed wounds that continue to influence me and my adult relationships. Premarital counseling seeks to understand how they do this and what difference can Jesus make.

3. Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all neighbors of one body… (Ephesians 4:25)

Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath… (Ephesians 4:27)

Premarital counseling can help couples to sharpen and hone their communication and listening skills, while coaching and equipping them for conflict resolution. How can we say what we mean and mean what we say?  What are the ‘hot’ issues that can create distress? What do we do when we get ‘stuck’ in an argument? How can I deal with hurts, frustrations, and anger without derailing my marriage? What effective communication practices do successful couples use? When addressed, these questions can help couples to feel more confident about their marriage. Premarital counseling can be the setting and context where communication is enhanced.

4. God’s Vision for Marriage and Family Life

Unless the Lord builds the house, they that labor, labor in vain. (Psalm 127:1)

In every relationship, the participants are effectively living out a particular vision, whether for good or for ill. Whose vision of marriage do you want to live out? Premarital counseling can provide a setting in which you can share your vision with your fiancé and learn about God’s vision from His Scriptures. A proverb says it this way: ‘Without vision or revelation, people perish.’  A clear vision for both life and marriage can facilitate decision-making, provide a lighthouse in storms, and bring clarity about your priorities, values, and practices.

Christian Counseling to Prepare for Marriage

As a Christian counselor, I have seen how addressing these four key topics in premarital counseling can help couples to avoid unnecessary pain and conflict. There are already enough challenges in marriages in which the partners’ personalities fit well and in which they accept one another, communicate well, and solve problems together. In the following article, I will cover the final three topics that are important to address in premarital counseling. If you are newly engaged or thinking about engagement, Christian counseling focused on these topics can provide insight, equip and hone skills, and help you to see the big picture for your future family life.