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Is Your Marriage Living, Changing, Growing? A Christian Counselor’s Questions

Bellevue Christian Counseling
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330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
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Barney Armstrong

Dec
2014
16

Is Your Marriage Living, Changing, Growing? A Christian Counselor’s Questions

Barney Armstrong

Marriage CounselingSpiritual Development

By Barney Armstrong, MA, LMHC, Bellevue Christian Counseling

BARNEA 9632912492_7361573b76_bHave you ever asked yourself: “Is my marriage a place of growth?” Your marriage was not meant to be static. Nothing that God makes just sits. Indeed, nothing that is alive just sits. Something that does not change or grow but remains sedentary is just an object. It is not alive.

Christian Life is a Life of Constant Change

Some good questions to ask yourself are:

  • “How am I growing because of my marriage?”
  • “How does my marriage challenge me to grow?”

For a Christian, growth almost always involves change. We will be changing right up until the last trumpet sounds. When God calls us out of death into life and out of darkness into light, we are still accustomed to the ways and habits of death and darkness. And we are especially used to the thought patterns that have accommodated death and darkness. The Christian life will bring continuous renewal of our thoughts. It will therefore involve constant change.

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Marriage is a Place of Repentance

You may have heard the word “change” in sermons on repentance. Repentance means to change your mind. It doesn’t always involve regret, or bowing and scraping, and it should never make you feel less valuable. A really good question would be: “Is my marriage a place of repentance?” Is your marriage conducive to repentance? Does it allow for it, expect it and welcome it, or are there emotional barriers to repentance?

Apology is Not the Same as Repentance

A lot of Christian marriages major on apologies. Yet apologies are not repentance, and can in fact often be a substitute for the real change of repentance. Instead of leading to genuine repentance, apologies in marriage can be a breeding ground for co-dependence.

Ask yourself before you apologize: BARNEA 5424377128_dd911be0c0_b

  • “Is this about change between me and God, or is this about my feelings?”
  • “Am I prodding my mate to change feelings I don’t like, feelings that should prompt me to struggle with a change of my heart and my thinking before God?”
  • “Am I apologizing as a mere reflex and out of habit?”
  • “Am I apologizing out of fear? Am I trying to show that I am not adequate/capable/admirable so that I won’t have to be responsible for my actions/words/attitudes?”

Before pressing your mate for an apology, ask yourself:

  • “Is this for their good or for mine?”
  • “Do I need an apology? Why?”
  • “Do I want to ‘win’ an argument, gain turf, or set a precedent?”
  • “Am I asking my spouse to change my own feelings?”
  • “What would it look like to just go forward relationally?”

Then ask yourself:

  • “Am I holding my dear spouse hostage?”
  • “What am I withholding something until I “get an apology?””
  • “Am I withholding affection, communication, physical contact, pleasure, frolic and fun, my vision or high regard of them, or warmth?”

Your Marriage Has a Redemptive Purpose

BARNEA 14057449345_6c90d7e594_kThe simple natural attrition of everyday life will use up the resources your marriage naturally had at the outset. Even at best your marriage will simply fade unless it is going somewhere. Ask yourself: “Do I think of my marriage as an entity in itself that exists for its own sake?” If this is what it is, it is a Godless marriage, a safe haven in which idolatry can grow. Instead, ask yourself: “Can my marriage be propelled by a greater purpose?” And: “What are God’s purposes in this marriage and how do we foster them?”

The New Covenant changes everything on all fronts. It makes “the old deal” new in every way. In addition to creating a disaster for individuals, the Fall also fractured the marriage relationship. This means that a central purpose of marriage is redemptive ̶ it is intended to bring relational glory that will repeal the evil of the world. Generally, the male in the relationship is a warrior for truth who is out to expose, disarm, and rout the lies and darkness. The female brings beauty and relational warmth that fills the voids of the ugliness of evil and the darkness of hatred. (1 John 2:9, 11) Ask yourself:

  • “Is God and His benevolence toward us central to our relationship?”
  • “How do I (he) war against lies and fight for truth?”
  • “How do I (she) show forth beauty and love against the evil and darkness?”

Christian Counseling Can Put Your Marriage on a Path to Growth

Christian counseling can provide a safe space in which you can ask some of the questions raised in this article. A trained Christian counselor can help you to find answers for your questions and to develop the patterns of thought that promote growth and life in your marriage.

 

Photos
“Checking on Early Growth,” by United Soybean Board, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0), “leaves-tree-spring-growth.jpg,” by r. nial bradshaw, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0), “SORRY over Sydney Opera House,” by butupa, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0)

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Barney Armstrong

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(206) 701-9144 barneya@bellevuechristiancounseling.com

Life should be more than just pain and trials. Though they can serve a purpose, I believe that God has much more in store for you. My hope is to help you discover the wonderful joys and strength that lie beneath the pain and trauma you might be facing. Through Christ, we can conquer fear and find freedom, healing, and purpose. Whatever challenges you face, I offer you a safe place for you to discover all that God can do for your life. Read more articles by Barney »

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About Barney

Photo of Barney Armstrong

Barney Armstrong, MA, LMHC

Licensed Counselor

Life should be more than just pain and trials. Though they can serve a purpose, I believe that God has much more in store for you. My hope is to help you discover the wonderful joys and strength that lie beneath the pain and trauma you might be facing. Through Christ, we can conquer fear and find freedom, healing, and purpose. Whatever challenges you face, I offer you a safe place for you to discover all that God can do for your life. View Barney's Profile

Recent articles by Barney

  • Aug 13 · How to Cure Depression: Is it Really Possible?
  • Mar 23 · Codependency Recovery: Two Expert Tips
  • Jun 26 · How to Forgive and Really Mean It: Part II
See all articles by Barney »

Related Services

  • Marriage Counseling
  • Spiritual Development

Barney's Office Locations

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    Bellevue

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (425) 939-6856
    330 112th Ave NE,, Suite 302 Bellevue, WA 98004

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    Redmond

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (425) 250-6282
    8195 166th Ave NE,, Suite #204 Redmond, WA 98052

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    Online (WA only)

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    General Office Number

    (206) 388-3929
    444 Northeast Ravenna Boulevard Seattle, WA 98115

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