Red Flags that Could Indicate an Affair

Relationships are complicated, to say the least. You might have entered into your marriage with confidence and optimism about the life of love and loyalty that you’d be sharing with your significant other for a lifetime. And at first, everything may seem wonderful, like a dream come true.

Everything just seems to work in the beginning. You respect each other’s boundaries, work hard to show your undying mutual love, and though not perfect, nevertheless, you both really try to communicate well and seek to understand one another. But after a while, when the honeymoon period starts to fade and the mundaneness of everyday life begins to sink in, small cracks in your relationship foundation can start to form.

Is my spouse cheating on me?

At first, it seems almost undetectable. Maybe your conversations begin to feel shorter or more “surface level”. Perhaps your spouse is suddenly more protective of their phone or has changed their computer password. Little things start to change when someone starts drifting away from their romantic partner, and even more so when they have an extramarital affair.

Patterns start to shift, causing uneasiness. Or you notice subtle changes in their behavior or schedule. Unusual moodiness, or unexplained absences, perhaps late nights at work begin to add up. The excuses given are plentiful and often vague. Those with more detail might sound rehearsed or offered in a less-than-loving manner.

These small changes in behavior, while unsettling, can be easily justified or explained away if you try hard enough. At least at first. You can chalk them up to stress or a busy schedule. Or justify that he or she would not ever do anything to hurt you, would they?

It is human nature to make excuses for those we love and to attempt to shelter ourselves from heartache. But at some point, when too many “insignificant” indicators really begin to pile up and become increasingly difficult to explain, it might be worth paying closer attention.

Protecting Devices

Technology has become its own little world full of people, possibilities, and digital secrets. And those secrets could be potentially damning to your relationship. Because people are so connected and accessible through their phones, the opportunity for emotional and romantic relations to form in cyberspace is far greater than it used to be.

A generation or two ago, an affair usually required leaving the house to meet someone. Meeting in person also brought the risk of being seen. This risk factor would often deter a timid spouse who might be considering an affair. But not in today’s world. We live in a different age entirely.

Today, the dynamics have drastically changed. If they so desire, a person could carry an entire relationship on a little device in their back pocket. Unfortunately, illicit conversations and emotional intimacy can even take place while their spouse sleeps right next to them.

So, if that may be happening in your marriage, watch how your spouse uses his or her devices. If they once left their phone on the counter without a second thought, but now all of a sudden keep it tucked away or face down, that might be a red flag. Pay attention to small, seemingly innocent changes, such as a new passcode. Perhaps they decide to step out of the room to answer a phone call or text.

Appearance Changes

Taking care of your body and seeking to improve your appearance is always a healthy way to live. However, a sudden desire to be more attractive and a newfound interest in personal hygiene might indicate that your partner could have a romantic interest outside of your marriage.

When someone begins an affair, they often feel excited. They might feel that adrenaline rush that comes when a person experiences something new and intoxicating. In their enthusiasm, they may well try to present themselves in the best possible way so they can maintain that “high”. They might even express a new interest in fitness or perhaps decide to update their wardrobe with trendier clothes.

Maybe your spouse has a sudden obsession with dental hygiene or tries a new cologne or perfume. If you notice these kinds of shifts in behavior or you find that your spouse is hiding items such as receipts or new undergarments you haven’t seen them wear around the house, it might suggest that they’re engaging in an affair.

Small Lies

One significant warning sign that crosses a clear relationship boundary is a sudden increase in dishonest answers. While affairs themselves are major deceptions, they are often rooted and maintained in a constant stream of “little” lies as a spouse tries to cover their tracks and stay one step ahead of getting caught.

Listen carefully when they justify how they spent their day or try to explain away something suspicious you decide to ask them about. Pay attention to details about where they were or who they claimed they were with. If their accounts seem vague, conflict with known facts, or change when you ask about them later, this is a major red flag.

A cheating spouse also quickly learns to use broad, non-committal answers. Instead of saying, “I went to lunch with John to discuss the Q3 budget,” They’ll simply say, “I was with some people from work.” This is intentional vagueness, and it prevents them from having to invent (and remember) supporting details to their lie.

The flip side to this is that a cheating spouse may offer an abundance of details in their fabrications. If they have been rehearsing their story, they might provide an excessive number of details about an otherwise mundane event.

These lies aim to inundate you with details that deflect from the truth and somehow convince you they have nothing to hide. After all, a detailed story must be a true story, right? But if the level of detail feels unnecessary or a bit over the top, it might mean they’ve been practicing their performance to cover their tracks.

A cheating spouse may also lie about household finances. After all, gifts, dates, dinner, hotels, and new clothing can add up and become expensive. Your spouse may begin telling lies about where the money is going. Watch for any unexplained ATM withdrawals, new or secret bank accounts, or small, frequent purchases on bank statements that they can’t logically account for. Yes, you’ve got it, it’s another red flag.

Spiritual Shift

When a person enters into a new relationship, it can reshape every aspect of their life, including their spirituality. If the person you’re spending time with is passionate about their faith, that enthusiasm is bound to rub off on you. Either positively or negatively, we can have a dramatic effect on one another’s faith. This is why God’s Word tells us, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14a).

Conversely, if your spouse has a change in their spiritual life or all of a sudden seems interested in another community of faith, it may be worth taking note. While this sudden shift in interest could simply be their desire to deepen their faith, it begs the question of where that motivation took root.

A spouse with an otherwise strong faith might start straying away from reading their Bible, stop going to church, or even avoid spending time with people with strong religious convictions. If this describes your spouse’s behavior, it may indicate that they’re intentionally steering clear of anything that would convict them or make them feel guilty.

People of faith who have affairs often avoid people and circumstances that would label their behavior as sinful. Not only do they want to avoid feeling the heat of conviction, but they might even be enjoying their rebellion. There’s a certain rush to secrecy and the forbidden.

That’s what motivated Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. While sin might be fun for a season (Hebrews 11:25), the long-term consequences can be devastating, though this is a fact that people immersed in an affair are likely to ignore.

One thing they can’t escape, however, is the overwhelming guilt they likely face whenever they glance into the mirror. That is why, when a person is in the thick of wrong behavior, they tend to wear masks or engage in some form of self-medicating activity to try to cover their shame.

Therapy

When you’re in the middle of a crisis in your marriage, communication and transparency are often hard to come by, not to mention intimacy. As you discover clues to your spouse’s infidelity, it’s easy to jump to conclusions and even easier to distance yourself from them emotionally.

That is the most natural of human responses, and no one blames you if that’s where you find yourself. However, those coping mechanisms aren’t helpful for a person who’s trying to resolve the problem.

Couples therapy offers a space for partners to communicate with honesty and transparency. A therapist can guide the conversations to include topics that are extremely difficult, if not impossible, to tackle on your own.

Sensitive topics such as sex, boundaries, and rebuilding trust can be discussed thoroughly in a mature manner and in a safe environment. When in the presence of a professional counselor, you can feel comfortable knowing that the conversation may at times be difficult and painful, but helpful and constructive.

Individual therapy complements couples therapy, or can be a standalone lifeline if your partner refuses to seek therapy together. It can inform you and help you to understand your reactions to your partner’s words and actions. It also helps you to develop the needed skillset for setting healthy boundaries moving forward. Therapy can help you make informed decisions about your life and relationship in ways that help you stay true to your faith.

Red flags don’t always equal cheating

If your spouse is exhibiting some of these “red flags,” it’s important to pay attention, but not to panic. As you prayerfully examine the evidence, bear in mind that one or two indicators of an affair are not conclusive. Some changes can be explained away by several factors, such as stress, a busy schedule, a new responsibility, or simply an age-related identity crisis.

But even if they’re not having an affair, these indicators can signal deeper issues in your marriage that perhaps should be addressed together. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, and your family to use these “red flags” in a way that opens up communication between you and your spouse. God can use them as an opportunity for grace for a more intimate and healthy relationship (Ephesians 4:15).

Whether you’re starting to see red flags in your marriage or you just want to rekindle the flame and renew your communication with your spouse before any flags appear, Seattle Christian Counseling would love to help you along your journey. Browse our online directory or contact our representatives to find a counselor near you who can help you to find the trust and security you need in your relationship. After all, a marriage is worth fighting for.