How Your Attachment Style Influences Your Relationships

Attachment theory is one of the most acknowledged psychological theories in the last fifty years (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2009). Bowlby, one of the theorists who developed this theory, believed that every person is born with an attachment behavioral system that is wired for survival.

The goal of the attachment system is to attain protection and support from those around us in dangerous situations, and it is vital early in life because babies and young children are unable to defend themselves from danger (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2009). Yet, researchers believe that we do not grow out of our attachment style as we age, but rather, it is the blueprint and foundation for how we navigate most of our relationships throughout life.

In other words, the way that you attach to your primary caregivers in early childhood often determines how you will navigate your adult relationships. Theorists have developed four categories of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

The Secure Attachment Style

A secure attachment style is developed by feeling connected to emotionally available caregivers. The caregivers cultivated an environment in which the child felt safe to express their feelings, comforted when negative feelings arose, and valued in the relationship (Mandriota, 2024). A person who is securely attached finds it easy to engage in healthy relationships where there is intimacy, independence, and healthy communication dynamics.

There is a balance between dependence on others and allowing others to depend on them. A securely attached person can express their needs in a relationship without fear of their partner abandoning them. They can build a fulfilling relationship because they trust their partner.

Some characteristics of a securely attached person are: the ability to regulate their emotions, trusting others, managing conflict well, communicating needs, autonomy, affectionate, and high self-esteem (Mandriota, 2024). A securely attached person is a relatively healthy individual who can engage in fulfilling relationships that are built on trust and effective communication.

The Insecure Attachment Styles

An anxious attachment style is developed when a child feels unstable in the parental relationships due to inconsistency in the caregiver’s behavior (Mandriota, 2024). Their caregivers may have switched between being attuned and supportive of the child’s needs at times and withdrawn or detached at other times.

This created an environment in which the child did not know what to expect from their caregiver, and in response, they became hyper-attuned to their caregiver’s emotions and often felt responsible for their feelings. A person who is anxiously attached may seem clingy, sensitive, jealous, and distrustful. They tend to feel incomplete without their partner and need continual reassurance in order to feel secure in their relationship.

A person may be anxiously attached if they fear abandonment and/or rejection, need constant approval, are unable to express their needs due to fear of abandonment, and are highly sensitive.

They often worry about their partner leaving them and make overwhelming efforts to be close to them (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2009). A person who is anxiously attached is at risk of becoming codependent in relationships by creating an over-reliance on their partner for their emotional well-being.

An avoidant attachment style is developed when a child has strict or emotionally absent caregivers (Mandriota, 2024). Parents or caregivers may have been absent, neglectful, or busy, and they may have rejected the child when they expressed their needs or even expected the child to be independent from an early age.

As a result, the child is unable to maintain long-term relationships in adulthood due to their inability to engage in physical or emotional intimacy because it was not modeled for them. A person with an avoidant attachment style learns not to depend on others for emotional care or support, creating a sense of hyper-independence. They may seem distant and guarded and experience discomfort when confronted with emotional expression or conflict.

An individual who has an avoidant attachment style also struggles to communicate their needs in relationships because they learned early on that they cannot depend on others to fulfill their needs. In addition, they have difficulty trusting others and often feel anxious when people get too close to them (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2009).

A disorganized attachment style is often associated with childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. The parental relationship is a source of fear and comfort for the child, creating inconsistency (Mandriota, 2024). As a result, the child also develops inconsistency in their behaviors, which often creates push-pull dynamics in relationships.

As adults, individuals who have a disorganized attachment style have a deep fear of rejection, difficulty regulating emotions and trusting others, and high anxiety (Mandriota, 2024).

Their behaviors alternate between both anxious and avoidant attachment styles – they desire intimacy, but their deep distrust often creates contradictory behaviors. They seem to desire love but also fear it. At times, they may seem guarded and distant, while other times, they may seem clingy and emotionally reactive. At the root of a disorganized attachment style is fear of rejection.

Working Toward Secure Attachment

If you find yourself resonating with one of the three insecure attachment styles, you’re not alone, and there is hope. Although early childhood events play a role in how we navigate our adult relationships, attachment styles can change and become more secure over time. It’s also important to note that the partner you choose can influence your attachment positively or negatively.

Developing a secure attachment style is dependent on multiple factors. First, you must identify your attachment style and learn about how it affects your behavior in relationships. Ask yourself – what are some of the patterns I repeat in relationships? What do I believe about myself and others? Do I feel unworthy of love? Do I fear rejection and abandonment? Do I have difficulty trusting people?

Next, work toward acting opposite to your attachment style. If you have an anxious attachment style, work toward autonomy and independence. Learn to show up for yourself rather than depending on others to do so. If you have an avoidant attachment style, take steps to initiate intimacy and allow yourself to be vulnerable. If you have a disorganized attachment style, learn to regulate your emotions and establish healthy boundaries with others.

In addition, seek out relationships with people who are securely attached, who have healthy communication and boundaries. If you find yourself to be anxiously attached, learn to communicate your needs effectively without fear that your partner will abandon you. If you lean more avoidant, allow yourself to depend on others and trust that they will show up for you. If you find yourself disorganized, work toward developing emotional stability and consistency.

Lastly, consider seeking professional support. Often, our attachment wounds are deeply rooted. We may be aware of them, but don’t know where to start in order to heal. Healing takes time. Unlearning old behaviors and patterns of thought takes diligence, commitment, and accountability. A therapist who uses attachment theory as their framework can guide you and provide the tools to become the healthiest version of yourself in relationships.

Next Steps

If you would like to meet with a counselor, contact our offices. Therapy is a safe place to explore your early childhood relationships and gain the tools to cultivate healthy relationships in adulthood. If you feel stuck in the same pattern of unsuccessful relationships, I would be happy to come alongside you as you work toward change.