What Does Adultery Mean? Dealing Effectively with Infidelity

Words and their meanings matter. In the classic story “Through the Looking-Glass,” there is an exchange between Alice and Humpty Dumpty about what words mean and who gets to define them. We read the following:-

“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.”

“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”

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“The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master – that’s all.”– Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking-Glass

It may seem out of place to quote a children’s story when talking about a subject as heavy, painful, and complicated as adultery. However, in our time, there is greater confusion than ever before about how to name realities like adultery.

Marriages are ‘open’, meaning the couple has agreed to not be exclusive, and polyamory is an option that’s becoming increasingly acceptable and lauded. Words and their meaning do matter in such a morally fluid context.

The Meaning of “Adultery”

In the Christian imagination, marriage is not simply a human institution that people came up with and can reconfigure at will. Rather, it’s something given to Adam to allow him to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 2:18).

The idea is for the two to create a new union that allows them to fulfil the mandate the Lord had for them. “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). Jesus reiterates this later on in the New Testament (Matthew 19:3-12).

One of the ways we get tripped up is when we read the stories about the patriarchs, and just about all of them had more than one wife. It would seem that God was okay with them being ‘one flesh’ with more than one person at a time. What we can miss is that in every single instance where marriage isn’t exclusive to two people, there is trouble, every single time. The point seems to be clear about straying from God’s will.

If you dig into the story of the Bible, it becomes apparent that this seemingly human institution has far deeper import. Repeatedly, God uses the image of marriage and unfaithfulness to describe what His people are doing when they run after other gods. Whether in the prophets Ezekiel, Jeremiah, or Hosea, the idea is put forward that worshipping anyone other than the Lord is being spiritually unfaithful.

This idea is then brought home forcefully in a passage on marriage in the letter to the Ephesians. While writing about how husbands and wives ought to live together in Christian households, Paul writes that when the Bible talks about the two becoming one flesh, “This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32, NIV). Marriage between people points to Christ and His bride, the church.

It becomes clearer why Jesus speaks to our hearts to say that looking at another person lustfully is adultery (Matthew 5:27-30). Our actions flow from our hearts, and it’s there, in our decisions, attitudes, mindset, and will, that we view others as beings made in God’s image, or not. It’s there that we are called to be faithful in all we do; toward other people, and toward God, who sees the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).

Adultery, then, is when a married person crosses the boundary of that relationship to enjoy or be enjoyed by someone other than their spouse. In the Christian imagination, that boundary isn’t something the couple sets for themselves, but something informed by what God wants for the couple. God wants married couples to delight in each other exclusively, to not let their “springs overflow in the streets” or be “shared with strangers” (Proverbs 5:15-17, NIV).

Why Emotional Infidelity is a Problem

The realities of ‘open’ marriages and polyamory mean that people try to shift the boundaries of what constitutes infidelity or adultery to depend on what the couple has decided for themselves. Most couples do consider that physical intimacy outside of marriage is problematic. Lines can get blurred, but most couples would agree about the sorts of things that are problematic. It’s a bit trickier when it comes to emotional infidelity.

There is no shortage of opinions out there on whether emotional infidelity is infidelity to begin with, and a problem or not. Those who don’t consider it infidelity might focus on the lack of physical intimacy or how context can change your perspective on the formation of an emotional connection. A connection formed during turbulent times and one formed when the primary relationship is flourishing may be different.

On the other hand, forming a bond outside the primary relationship can blur emotional boundaries. Such a connection can usurp the position of the primary committed relationship. That displacement can cause conflict in the primary relationship for a number of reasons.

For one thing, emotional infidelity erodes trust in a relationship. Sharing things with someone else that one’s spouse or partner should be exclusively privy to can be taken as a betrayal of trust. Once trust is eroded, it’s hard to rebuild it.

Another reason emotional infidelity is a problem is that it can result in emotional withdrawal. We all have finite amounts of emotional energy, and an emotional affair entails investing energy in someone else, which often leads to withdrawing from and investing less in one’s primary relationship. One’s spouse or partner could end up getting the scraps as opposed to the primary share of emotional energy and investment.

An emotional affair can also lead to blurred boundaries and feelings of insecurity. Blurring the lines between a platonic relationship and a romantic one can send mixed signals and lead to confusion and hurt. For the partner who’s being cheated on emotionally, that infidelity can lead to feelings of insecurity and anxiety about themselves and the relationship.

Lastly, an emotional affair can lead to the breakdown of the primary relationship. It can result in a lack of emotional intimacy in the primary relationship and introduce secrecy, which brings about isolation. Intimacy issues in the primary relationship may then result in dissatisfaction, leaving one or both parties feeling unfulfilled.

An emotional affair can undermine the respect and trust that exists in a relationship, breaching boundaries and introducing conflict into the relationship. If what happens in our thoughts and imagination matters, as Jesus says it does, then whether something physical has happened yet is neither here nor there, and perhaps misses the point.

Dealing Effectively with Infidelity

How does a couple work through infidelity if it has occurred or is alleged to have occurred? The couple needs to have open and honest conversations about what has happened. Such a conversation needs to delve into what they experienced, what their motivations were, and to share their feelings, needs, and concerns. The conversation also needs to explore their values and boundaries.

In some instances, the couple may never have had an explicit conversation about adultery or infidelity. Sometimes things seem so obvious that they don’t need to be stated explicitly, but they do. The first time the couple explores this issue in depth may be when something has gone wrong, and one or both parties are hurt by it. One of the main ways infidelity affects a relationship is by breaking trust and violating boundaries.

For a couple to deal effectively with infidelity, it needs to be named as such, and each party ought to take responsibility for their part. Adultery occurs for many different reasons, but it signals that something needs to change in the relationship, whether that’s how the couple communicates, how they handle conflict, whether they are emotionally intimate and can be vulnerable with one another, whether they have set clear boundaries, and more.

A relationship that’s been torpedoed by adultery can survive, and it can be rebuilt stronger than ever. Both spouses need to be willing to put in the work on their relationship and challenge themselves as they learn new skills that will strengthen their relationship for life after the affair.

Some of the help a couple can call for can come from a professional marriage counselor. A counselor can be an independent third party who can help the couple explore the situation effectively. A counselor’s training can help them discern any unhealthy patterns in the relationship and provide the couple with tools to strengthen their communication and intimacy, to find forgiveness and work through the brokenness to find healing and wholeness.

If your relationship has been broken by infidelity, contact our office today. We can help you schedule an appointment with one of the marriage counselors in our network who can get you started on the road to healing your marriage.