5 Effective Tips for Anger Management

What do you do to defend yourself when the person you need to defend yourself against is you? This is one of the hardest questions to face, and it’s raised when you find yourself struggling with emotions like anger. When you’re angry, that anger can take you to many places, some of which you don’t want to go. Uncontrolled anger can seriously harm you and damage your relationships. This is why anger management is so important.

The thing to do with anger is to learn to control or manage it. Anger has its place in our lives, and it can be helpful in its place. The problem is that when anger isn’t kept in that place, it unleashes chaos in and around us. It’s like fire – kept in a lighter or a match for ready use, used in a wood or gas stove or grill, or lit in a fireplace, fire is quite useful. However, we’ve all seen the kind of damage wildfire can cause, and that’s what uncontrolled anger does.

What Anger Does for You

For some, it may be surprising to think of anger as serving a helpful or positive purpose. If you grew up in an abusive household, if you’ve witnessed an ugly brawl or a relationship crumble because of anger, it can be hard to have anything but negative associations with anger. Anger takes on the qualities of a monster that’s best avoided altogether. It’s also not surprising to encounter people who pride themselves on not getting angry.

The challenge that needs to be overcome in many instances is to see anger for what it is and to separate it from the different ways that emotion can be expressed. The reality is that a person who is angry can take that anger and channel it toward starting a charitable foundation. That same anger can also be taken and used to punch someone or hurl verbal abuse at them. Same emotion, different expressions of that emotion.

The expressions of anger that we see and take issue with are what are rightly called unhealthy expressions of anger, such as aggression. However, anger doesn’t have to be expressed only through aggression, and anger does serve some helpful functions. Take a moment to consider the last time you felt angry. Can you recall what made you feel that way?

We often feel angry because something we care about has been threatened in one way or another. What’s under threat could be something as concrete as your child, your life, or your property. More abstract, but no less real things can also be threatened, and anger is the flashing red light that alerts us to this. Your dignity, sense of self or safety, or prospects for the future can come under threat, and anger lets you know that’s what’s happening.

If you look back at the tussle you had with your teenager, why did you get angry when they talked back to you and ignored your instructions? Did you feel like they were diminishing you or the sacrifices you’ve made for them? Were you afraid of the possible breakdown in your relationship, now or in the future? Did you feel unheard or invisible? These and many other reasons could be the root causes of our anger.

Anger alerts you that something is going on; a boundary is being violated, something you care about is being threatened, and you need to do something about it. The problem we often have is that the feeling “I must do something about this” can result in unhealthy, poorly thought out action that causes more harm.

Ways Not to Deal with Anger

It can sometimes be helpful to know what not to do in a given situation before knowing what to do. When you get angry, how you respond to that anger can be affected by several things, including your personality, what you grew up seeing, and what was modeled for you. One way to not deal with anger is to express it as verbal or physical violence toward others, no matter what they have done. Violence can distort you and your humanity.

Apart from violent outward expressions of anger, anger can also be communicated in other, unhelpful ways. You can decide to take a more passive-aggressive approach to expressing your anger. This could entail pouting, sulking, giving the silent treatment, being sarcastic, or procrastinating and dragging your feet to show displeasure. Often, this approach is taken by people uncomfortable with overt expressions of anger, sometimes out of fear of reprisals.

Anger can also be directed inward. A person can be angry with another person or even themselves, and the result is an ongoing and unhealthy internal dialogue. Some of that dialogue may even be self-deprecating, like when a person calls themselves names, and it may even take the form of self-harm or self-deprivation.

Anger is an emotion that should be expressed. It alerts us that something isn’t right, and the nature of anger is to move us to do something. Keeping silent and suppressing the anger doesn’t help, because it will likely show up elsewhere, and perhaps against some unsuspecting third party. Instead, anger is meant to be expressed, but only when anger is expressed in a calm, respectful, and clear way does it make the difference it’s meant for.

Some Effective Tips for Anger Management

If you find yourself getting angry, or perhaps you are way past that point and anger has already bloomed, what can you do about it? There are several effective ways to manage your anger, and curb anger before it takes flight. Some tips that you could include the following:

Improve your communication One of the reasons situations arise in which anger gets stirred is because of poor communication and misunderstandings. This isn’t to say perfect communication gets rid of triggering events, but it is to say it helps to avoid misunderstandings. If you understand the other person and their concerns, and you can clearly express your own, it’s possible to avoid aggravating each other.

Good communication involves being a better listener. An excellent listener can focus completely on the other person, setting aside distractions, giving appropriate eye contact, asking questions for clarity, giving non-verbal cues that communicate that you’re present and following, being able to repeat what you’ve heard, and not interrupting or finishing their sentences.

Resolve conflict Conflict is inevitable in all relationships. The question is how you’ll deal with that conflict. One way to deal with anger is to face that conflict, and to try and resolve it well. Sometimes, anger and resentment exist at the edge of every conversation or interaction with someone because there’s unresolved conflict between the two.

A helpful accompaniment to resolving conflict is to not hold grudges, and to forgive others as you’ve been forgiven (Matthew 6:14-15; Ephesians 4:32). This allows you to release anger and resentment so that you’re not starting a conversation or interaction carrying the baggage from previous encounters.

Find ways to unwind Anger affects you physically, and there are ways to undo some of the physical damage it does to you while helping yourself to be in a better frame of mind. Do regular exercise which helps you release stress and elevate your mood. Sleep and eat well; it can help you with regulating your emotions and giving you capacity to handle difficult or taxing situations.

Taking on hobbies and other pursuits that bring joy to your life is also a must. This helps you to reduce stress and find a healthy outlet.

Learn about your triggers There are some things or specific circumstances in which your anger gets triggered. Perhaps it’s when you’re under pressure at work, or if you haven’t eaten, or maybe it’s that one person who rubs you the wrong way. Reflect on your day, and you’ll likely see what the trigger is. When you know what your triggers are, you can gird your loins and prepare yourself to face them more effectively.

Seek help Anger is a complex emotion, one that can be rooted in childhood experiences of trauma or may manifest as a symptom of depression. Not only that, but it can be challenging tracing the paths your anger takes and why you express it the way you do. A mental health professional can help you to make sense of your own anger.

With the help of an anger management counselor or therapist, you can learn valuable coping skills like how to identify and reframe negative thoughts so that you don’t have to react or respond when there’s no need. You can also learn ways to express your anger clearly and assertively, helping you to nurture healthy relationships.

If anger is a problem in your life, seek out that help today. Contact our office to learn more.