Bellevue Christian Counseling Logo

  • ServicesRead about the expertise available
    • Individual ServicesAddress your personal concerns confidentially
      • ADHD
      • Abandonment Issues and Neglect
      • Aging and Geriatric Issues
      • Anger Management
      • Anxiety
      • Autism Spectrum Disorder
      • Bipolar Disorder
      • Chemical Dependency
      • Counseling for Children
      • Counseling for Teens
      • Codependency
      • Depression
      • Eating Disorders
      • EMDR
      • Grief and loss Counseling
      • Individual Counseling
      • Infidelity and Affairs
      • Lifespan Integration Therapy
      • Men’s Issues
      • OCD
      • Personal Development
      • Psychological Testing
      • PTSD
      • Relationship Issues
      • Sex And Porn Addiction
      • Sexual Abuse
      • Spiritual Development
      • Trauma
      • Weight Loss
      • Women’s Issues
    • Christian Couples CounselingWork through challenges together
      • Couples Counseling
      • Premarital Counseling
      • Marriage Counseling
    • Family CounselingEstablish the peaceful home you desire
      • Christian Counseling for Children
        and Teens
      • Family Counseling
    • Group CounselingBenefit from the support of others
      • Men’s Sexual Addiction Recovery
        Group
      • All Counseling Groups
    • Online Counseling
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Marriage Counseling
    • Sex And Porn Addiction
  • LocationsChoose from our variety of office locations
    • Bellevue Office FrontBellevue
    • Bothell Office Front EntranceBothell
    • Edmonds Christian CounselingEdmonds
    • Everett Office Front EntranceEverett
    • Federal Way Office FrontFederal Way
    • Hansville
    • Kent 2Kent
    • Kirkland Christian CounselingKirkland
    • LaceyLacey
    • Mill Creek Office Waiting RoomMill Creek
    • Monroe
    • Oak Harbor Office OutsideOak Harbor
    • Poulsbo
    • Puyallup Christian CounselingPuyallup
    • Redmond OfficeRedmond
    • Seattle Downtown OfficeSeattle Downtown
    • Seattle Greenlake 2Seattle Greenlake
    • Silverdale Office FrontSilverdale
    • Tacoma Office FrontTacoma
    • Spokane ValleySpokane Valley
    • Vancouver
    •  1Online Counseling
  • CounselorsFind the best counselor for your needs
  • CareersBecome an affiliated Christian counselor
  • (425) 939-6856Please give us a call, we are here to help
header-image

Christ-Centered Communication: Demon Dialogues PT 1 of 7

Bellevue Christian Counseling
https://bellevuechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/christ-centered-communication-demon-dialogues-pt-1-of-7-2.jpg 324 400
https://bellevuechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/bellevue.jpg
https://bellevuechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/cropped-cropped-seattle-logo.png
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
Photo of Benjamin Deu

Benjamin Deu

May
2012
02

Christ-Centered Communication: Demon Dialogues PT 1 of 7

Benjamin Deu

Marriage Counseling

Demon Dialogues:

Couples in the throes of marital strife often find themselves repeating the same harmful, unproductive behaviors because they no longer have any idea how else to solve their problems. They’re so hurt and overwhelmed by the discord consuming their marriage, they lose all ability to reasonably resolve conflict.

“Demon Dialogues” is a term therapist Dr. Sue Johnson created for this three-phase, self-destructive system to which many couples succumb. It begins with each partner trying to address marital problems by accusing the other of mistreatment (“Find the Bad Guy”); leads to a feedback loop of couples desperately trying to interact with each other, but in ways so negative they result in each partner feeding off each others’ attacks (“Protest Polka”); and finally, each partner emotionally withdrawing from the conflict, refusing to make any effort to salvage the marital disaster, and eventually filing for divorce (“Freeze and Flee”).

It’s Not Me; It’s You

Jane and Edward have been married for eight years. He works full-time, while she stays home to care for their two children of 5 and 3. During the session, an argument arises over what seems to have driven them to therapy– parenting discrepancies.

Like us if you are enjoying this content.

“You come down too hard on them,” Edward snaps. “They’re just kids.”

“Well, you don’t come down on them at all,” Jane retorts. “Maybe if you’d help, I wouldn’t have to be the bad guy all the time.”

Their back-and-forth bickering epitomizes Johnson’s “Find the Bad Guy” phase of “Demon Dialogues.” The two have become so consumed with being “right,” and “winning” they’re no longer able to productively address how to work together to raise their children. It is a self-defense technique that has mutated into an offensive attack on their partner. As Johnson describes in her book Hold Me Tight, it’s often instigated when one partner feels vulnerable or that they’ve been injured by the other. Eventually, rather than snapping back each time their partner cuts them, they begin to attack out of apprehension. Their defenses are so keyed up, they respond to their partner’s offenses before they’ve even committed them.

How to Stop Attacking Each Other

Christ-Centered Communication: Demon Dialogues PT 1 of 7Bother partners need to step back and assess the whole picture. The only way a couple can stop this cycle is if they accept that neither party is the “bad guy,” and instead focus on the real enemy– the destructive, accusatory cycle in which they find themselves. The following is a helpful verse to bear in mind for dealing with each of these toxic phases–

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:29-32 ESV)

How to prepare for future fights

Johnson suggests preparing to defuse future fights by remembering a time when you and your partner got caught up in a bout of “Find the Bad Guy”–

  • What ammunition did you use to “win?” Of what did you accuse your partner, and what retorts do you most often employ when you feel attacked?
  • After the fight, how did you feel about yourself, your partner, and the connection between you?
  • Were you able to discuss the fight afterward?
  • If not, how did you deal with your mutual loss of safety?

Next time…

Instead of carrying out the sparring match through to its ugly conclusion, recognize what you’re doing and stop. Take a breath and then discuss your disagreement without trying to determine who’s at fault.

 

*Adapted from Part Two of Dr. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight (Johnson 73, 74)Images cc: freedigitalphotos.com -“Communication Problems” by Grant Cochrane

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE

The information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please contact one of our counselors for further information.

  • Share on Facebook
  • Tweet it
  • ↑ Back to top
Photo of Benjamin Deu
Benjamin is currently not accepting new clients

Benjamin Deu

Licensed Counselor and Clinical Supervisor
(425) 533-0137 benjamin@seattlechristiancounseling.com

You were created in the image of God for the purpose of bringing Him glory. Perhaps you are currently in a season in which you do not feel that you are bringing glory to God. Maybe you are even questioning whether you were made in His image. Many people reach a point in their lives when they feel stuck. They want to move forward, but they feel powerless and don’t know where to turn. Using biblical principles, warmth, and patience, I will work with you to seek lasting, positive change that will help you reflect God’s image and bring Him glory. Read more articles by Benjamin »

Other articles that might interest you...

spacer

spacer

Bellevue Christian Counseling 2
Photo of Erik Mildes

Erik Mildes

Adolescent Counseling

The culture that today’s adolescents are growing up in is vastly different than the culture their parents grew up in....

continue reading »

About Benjamin

Photo of Benjamin Deu

Benjamin Deu, MA, LMHC

Licensed Counselor and Clinical Supervisor

You were created in the image of God for the purpose of bringing Him glory. Perhaps you are currently in a season in which you do not feel that you are bringing glory to God. Maybe you are even questioning whether you were made in His image. Many people reach a point in their lives when they feel stuck. They want to move forward, but they feel powerless and don’t know where to turn. Using biblical principles, warmth, and patience, I will work with you to seek lasting, positive change that will help you reflect God’s image and bring Him glory. View Benjamin's Profile

Recent articles by Benjamin

  • May 12 · When Sex Gets Boring, Is It Over? Christian Counselor’s approach to Sexual Boredom
  • May 12 · 10 Great Sex Tips for Married Couples
  • Feb 17 · Serial Monogamy: What’s the Big Deal?
See all articles by Benjamin »

Related Services

  • Marriage Counseling

Benjamin's Office Locations

  • Photo of the Bothell office

    Bothell

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (425) 939-7959
    10116 Main Street, Suite 204 Bothell, WA 98011

    View Office Details
Bellevue Christian Counseling Logo
Bellevue Christian Counseling
Professional help with faith-based values
We are an association of professional, independently licensed Christian counselors experienced in helping people of all ages find healing for a wide variety of issues.
© 2025 Bellevue Christian Counseling. All rights reserved.
330 112th Ave NE,, Bellevue, WA 98004. Tel (425) 939-6856.
Facebook Twitter Online Counseling About Us Privacy Policy Terms of Use Feel free to contact us!
We are open for business. In person and online counseling are available now.