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Christian Counselor for Sex Addiction Explains How Misplaced Intimacy Harms Relationships

Bellevue Christian Counseling
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330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
Photo of Chris Chandler

Chris Chandler

May
2014
06

Christian Counselor for Sex Addiction Explains How Misplaced Intimacy Harms Relationships

Chris Chandler

AnxietyMarriage CounselingSexual Abuse

By Chris Chandler, MA, LMHC, CSAT-C, Seattle Christian Counseling

References “Wired for Intimacy” by William M. Struthers and “Out of the Shadows” by Patrick Carnes

Image 1All people long to bond with others. We want someone to share in our joys and support us in our sorrows. As Romantic pianist and composer Frederic Chopin said, “It is dreadful when something weighs on your mind, not to have a soul to unburden yourself to. You know what I mean. I tell my piano the things I used to tell you.”

How Sex Addicts Distort Intimacy?

Unfortunately for sex addicts, they share this longing for companionship, but cannot have it. For them, every relationship must be sexual. And their fear that someone will discover their addiction makes them keep everyone else at a distance.

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Most sex addicts are sexually abused as children. Parents teach their children how to approach relationships. When a parent introduces sex to that relationship, the child assumes all relationships have to be sexual. (Carnes 59)

“As a child matures, there begins a search for what is dependable–something that you can trust to make you feel better. When a child’s exploration of sexuality goes beyond discovery to routine self-comforting because of the lack of human care, there is potential for addiction. Sex becomes confused with comforting and nurturing. Moreover, the assumption is made that everyone else feels and acts the same. Therefore, to feel secure means to be sexual.” (101-102)

How Sexual Addiction prevents Relationships?

Not only are they incapable of having nonsexual relationships, they are also convinced people would not want a relationship if they knew about their addiction. “The belief ‘I am basically a bad, unworthy person’ structures the emotional foundations of the addict’s world.” (Carnes 108) And because they do not feel comfortable sharing their feelings of worthlessness with another person, they self-medicate with sex. The rush of eroticism makes them feel better, if only temporarily.

Emotional and Physical Intimacy in marriage

Image 2An inability to pursue emotional intimacy in addition to sexual intimacy is one reason couples struggle sexually, even when sex addiction isn’t a factor. Struthers uses the example of husband who wishes he could have sex with lots of women. He supports his argument with the popular theory that men are biologically driven to spread their seed. (162)

Struthers counters by asking him, “What if you got to be promiscuous with your wife because your understanding of her was always changing? What if you discovered things about her that her always new, always fresh? She could be a new woman for you to pursue every day.” (163)

While enjoyable sex is possible without emotional intimacy, it is an inferior substitute. Emotional intimacy enhances everything. Meals with people you care about are more fun than when you eat alone. Teams of athletes who get along play better than those who don’t.

Christian counseling for misplaced Intimacy

For people who misunderstand intimacy, relationships are shells of what God intended them to be. God created Eve so Adam would not have to live without emotional intimacy. He may have had plenty of animal companions and work to do in the garden, but he would still be lonely. Ecclesiastes and Proverbs are full of scriptures about the benefits of non-sexual intimate relationships. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Prov. 18:22, 24 NIV)

If you struggle with sex addiction, or if the emotional intimacy has left your marriage, consider getting in touch with a professional Christian counselor. They can help you understand why you have so much difficulty forming emotional bonds with others. A professional Christian counselor will use therapeutic techniques and biblical principles to help you create a better life for yourself.

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Emotional-distance-relationships_Christian-counseling Dreamstime.com user Mocker; Emotional-intimacy-problems-Christian-counseling Freedigitalphotos.net user Ambro

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE

The information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please contact one of our counselors for further information.

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Chris Chandler

Licensed Counselor and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist
(425) 533-0007 chrisc@bellevuechristiancounseling.com

Have you ever struggled with doubt, failure, or addiction? I have, and I know that redemption is possible through Christ. My hope for you is to find healing and wholeness. I’m honored to use my experiences and faith to help you reclaim and fortify your life though faith-based counseling. Whatever you’ve been through, I offer you a safe and understanding place where you can find your path to freedom. Together, we can discover lasting and positive change though the love, mercy, and grace of Christ. Read more articles by Chris »

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About Chris

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Chris Chandler, MA, LMHC, CSAT

Licensed Counselor and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist

Have you ever struggled with doubt, failure, or addiction? I have, and I know that redemption is possible through Christ. My hope for you is to find healing and wholeness. I’m honored to use my experiences and faith to help you reclaim and fortify your life though faith-based counseling. Whatever you’ve been through, I offer you a safe and understanding place where you can find your path to freedom. Together, we can discover lasting and positive change though the love, mercy, and grace of Christ. View Chris's Profile

Recent articles by Chris

  • Dec 23 · Stronger Self-Esteem Through Vulnerability
  • Dec 22 · Replacing Shame with Authenticity
  • Nov 25 · Letting Go of Fear
See all articles by Chris »

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  • Sexual Abuse

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