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Christian Counseling for dealing with Shame

Bellevue Christian Counseling
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330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
Photo of Chris Chandler

Chris Chandler

Jul
2013
25

Christian Counseling for dealing with Shame

Chris Chandler

AnxietyDepressionMarriage CounselingSexual Abuse

By Chris Chandler, MA, LMHC, CSAT-C, Bellevue Christian Counseling

References “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw

All emotions serve a purpose. In his book, “Healing the Shame that Binds You,” John Bradshaw discusses healthy and unhealthy shame. Shame is good for us when it leads to remorse or humility. It becomes toxic when it lodges itself in our hearts and becomes self-loathing.

We first encounter shame in scripture when Adam and Eve eat the fruit. Their nudity makes them feel exposed. They become uncomfortable. It is neither here nor there whether their shame is healthy. Some would argue natural modesty is God-honoring, while others would counter that people should not be ashamed of their bodies. What we ought to take from this is that shame is a part of human nature. It reflects our sense of self-worth, and how we choose to present ourselves to others.

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The Importance of Humility

Healthy shame drives us toward righteousness. Bradshaw draws on the experience of the “blush.” “It may come as a moment of embarrassment over one’s normal human failures or as timidity and shyness in the presence of strangers. This sense of shame is crucial and necessary as a balance and limit for one’s new found autonomy. Healthy shame signals us that we are not omnipotent.” (6)

Temporary embarrassment keeps us humble. Scripture tells us over and over how important the virtue of humility is. It keeps us from sinful pride that would tell us we are as virtuous, or accomplished, as we need to be. It also helps us keep relationships with others. A healthy sense of humility reminds us “we all need somebody to lean on.” It also ensures that others will want relationships with us. No one likes being around arrogant people, or people who flaunt their accomplishments. You toot your own horn too much, and everyone else covers their ears and leaves.

How Shame Hurts Us

While shame can be helpful, too much will poison you. “Toxic shame is experienced as the all-pervasive sense that I am flawed and defective as a human being. Toxic shame is no longer an emotion that signals our limits, it is a state of being, a core identity. Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being.” (10)

This poisonous type of shame fuels addiction. People use the subject of their addiction to medicate this shame, but then the shame induced by bingeing or using produces more shame, which starts the cycle all over again.

Bradshaw says this internalized shame makes you an object to yourself. Rather than accepting you have many parts, some of which you are less proud of than others, all you can really see when you look at yourself is what shames you. You allow them to crowd the lens through which you see yourself. (13)

“Addicts can’t love themselves. They are an object of scorn to themselves. This deep internalized shame gives rise to distorted thinking. The distorted thinking can be reduced to the belief that I’ll be okay if I drink, eat, have sex, get more money, work harder, etc. The shame turns one into what Kellogg has termed a ‘human doing’ rather than a human being.” (15)

Christian Counseling for Dealing with Shame

Toxic shame pushes us toward fleeting sources of validation. It leaves us “spiritually bankrupt” as Bradshaw says. If you seek to build self-worth on your accomplishments or the praise of others, it will tumble as the slightest criticism. This is why scripture encourages us to establish our character in Christ; who is unchanging and eternal. “He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.” (Deut. 32:4 NIV)

Your addiction cannot heal your shame. It cannot only temporarily relieve it; then make it worse. Shame has to do with how you see yourself as a person, and this perspective is not easily altered. If you struggle with self-loathing or addiction, consider getting in touch with a professional Christian counselor. While humility is a helpful emotion that spurs us toward self-improvement and interdependence, self-loathing is a toxin that only invites more self-destruction. A professional Christian counselor can help you discover the source of your shame. They will use therapeutic techniques and the hope of the Gospel to rid you of toxic shame.

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Christian-counseling-shame Freedigitalphotos.net user sira anamwong
Deal-with-self-hatred Freedigitalphotos.net user david castillo dominici

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE

The information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please contact one of our counselors for further information.

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Chris Chandler

Licensed Counselor and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist
(425) 533-0007 chrisc@bellevuechristiancounseling.com

Have you ever struggled with doubt, failure, or addiction? I have, and I know that redemption is possible through Christ. My hope for you is to find healing and wholeness. I’m honored to use my experiences and faith to help you reclaim and fortify your life though faith-based counseling. Whatever you’ve been through, I offer you a safe and understanding place where you can find your path to freedom. Together, we can discover lasting and positive change though the love, mercy, and grace of Christ. Read more articles by Chris »

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About Chris

Photo of Chris Chandler

Chris Chandler, MA, LMHC, CSAT

Licensed Counselor and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist

Have you ever struggled with doubt, failure, or addiction? I have, and I know that redemption is possible through Christ. My hope for you is to find healing and wholeness. I’m honored to use my experiences and faith to help you reclaim and fortify your life though faith-based counseling. Whatever you’ve been through, I offer you a safe and understanding place where you can find your path to freedom. Together, we can discover lasting and positive change though the love, mercy, and grace of Christ. View Chris's Profile

Recent articles by Chris

  • Dec 23 · Stronger Self-Esteem Through Vulnerability
  • Dec 22 · Replacing Shame with Authenticity
  • Nov 25 · Letting Go of Fear
See all articles by Chris »

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