Grieving the Unexpected: Coping with the Loss of a Child

From the earliest hint or news that we are adding to our families, we encounter a range of emotions. Whether we give birth or adopt, the process of preparing for a life and welcoming another family member grips us with joy, anticipation, hope, and uncertainty. We want to give our children the best of everything, and most of all, ourselves.

We do all that we can to make their paths look a little different, and in many ways better, than the events and circumstances that contributed to our challenges. It is all normal to experience this as part of the way that we as parents establish an enduring legacy in the families that God has given us.

We dream of a life where we anticipate milestones, shared celebrations, and enduring support as we weather life seasons and cycles. However, when unexpected events occur, life as we imagined it, halts while another reality makes itself at home.

When someone loses a child to illness, accident, or something unexplainable, shock waves reverberate through their life. Devastated, death upends their plans and rewrites the script without permission. Grieving a child’s loss brings its own cycles of emotion and experience, but the unexpected nature of a child’s death can immobilize a person, leaving them numb and lifeless.

Undoubtedly, the loss of a child is an indescribable pain. We don’t expect to bury our children. It doesn’t seem to be aligned with the natural order of the world as we envision it. We look forward to a different set of outcomes, never considering unspeakable tragedy would arrive on our doorstep and swallow life as we know it.

Even in the presence of the worst possible circumstances, we have a God who is present and loves us beyond what we can describe. It may seem excruciatingly painful and impossible to reconcile that abiding Truth with the real feelings and circumstances that are unfolding in our lives.

As we hold this set of contradictions, we need support for coping with our symptoms and healing the place of pain. We cannot undo the circumstances that led to our loss. However, we can choose how to respond. We need to look to the Lord. Even in the most difficult encounters, we don’t have to carry the weight of this alone.

He is God and can handle what we cannot. He meets us directly to draw us nearer. Yet, He also speaks to the hearts of strangers, mobilizing them to demonstrate what seems to be a random act of kindness in our lowest and darkest seasons.

Often, He meets us in the embrace of those who support us as we grieve the death of a child. While we don’t need to place unrealistic expectations on ourselves, we can learn to depend deeply on the Father of Lights, allowing Him to Shepherd and carry us through the dark.

Allow yourself to feel upon loss of a child

Sometimes, we retain misguided notions that we can’t express what we feel. However, God gifted us with emotion. Emotions act as the vehicle that releases what’s inside that would otherwise poison. They reveal our need for healing in the place where words escape us.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18 NIV

The Lord is acquainted with our humanity, as He is the One who formed us in His Image. He is not intimidated or offended by our feelings, questions, or tears. Honest, transparent prayer welcomes Him to meet us where we are with the wisdom and grace to not only cope, but also to heal our deepest pain.

Our brokenheartedness invites His comfort. When we communicate that with Him, we permit Him to bathe our hurt with healing balm and to dress our wounds in the darkness of grief and despair (Jeremiah 8:22; Isaiah 61:1).

Avoid blaming yourself

While there are many areas in which parents retain responsibility, there are some areas where we don’t have full control. If we could have kept or spared our children, we would have; but we live in a fallen world among other imperfect people. Our enemy works against us to accuse us and it is no surprise that he would try to beleaguer us with blame in the most vulnerable areas of our hearts. It is a tactic intended to destroy us with guilt and shame, further debilitating us.

Jesus came to remove the sting of death, and He will avenge, crushing it, as the last enemy (1 Corinthians 15:55). As we exchange our burden of grief, He enables us to experience His fullness in the wake of loss (Matthew 11:28-30).

We may lack knowledge or understanding of the reasons behind our child’s passing away. Still, we don’t have to entangle ourselves with condemnation, tormented by the shame, guilt, and regret that perpetuate mental, emotional, and spiritual bondage (Romans 8:1). The Lord, as Shepherd, promises to walk us through the valleys of weeping and refresh us in the midst of debilitating grief (Psalm 23:1; 84:6).

Accept the comfort of God upon the loss of a child

You may not have the words to articulate your emotion. You may not be able to make sense of your loss. Abandon the pressure to explain your feelings or to engage in describing the circumstances to others. Permit yourself to cry and receive the Holy Spirit’s comfort.

The Lord captures our tears. Much like prayers, they convey what our words cannot. The Holy Spirit gathers our pain, helping us in our most difficult times. In our suffering, He interprets our sobs to the Father. He intercedes, praying what we cannot express with words.

You have taken account of my miseries; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? – Psalms 56:8 NASB2020

Now in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. – Romans 8:26 NASB

Take your time

Afford the time it takes to walk through your experience of grieving the loss of your child. Some days may feel better than others. Some may feel worse. Although there are multiple phases in the cycle of grief, we don’t always experience every loss the same way or in a linear progression. Sometimes, we experience the stages in a different order or even simultaneously, but we can receive the Lord’s grace to experience our process and embrace our portion of today’s daily bread.

People may not always know what to say, so they may likely say nothing or say the wrong thing. You may not know how to respond. You don’t have to satisfy every inquiry. Sometimes, rehashing or conjuring details that we don’t know, understand, or fully process only serves to re-traumatize us. Having to prepare a story for each person that asks can trigger flashbacks or emotions that feel overwhelming.

Give us this day our daily bread, – Matthew 6:11 ESV

Activate a circle of support

Certain friends or family may offer a safe space. Allow your chosen circle to surround and support you in whatever way you need. Emotionally, they may represent a place where you can express thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment. Practically, they might help with responding to condolence messages and managing other tasks and communication until you are at a place where you can re-engage.

You weren’t meant to walk through life alone. At this time, you must carve space for relationships that serve you well. Embrace those that the Lord sends for this season. You won’t always be here, but while you are, God is providing needs you didn’t know you would have. Part of coping and healing involves allowing yourself to receive the spiritual and practical care that your soul requires.

Next steps

While you may have experienced an unimaginable loss of a child, your Father comes to comfort you through His Spirit. He consoles and remains present as your Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6), but He also furnishes you with access to resources that respond to your needs.

You may seek individual counseling, couples, family therapy, or support groups to help you and your household with the grieving process. Use the resources on this site to search and schedule a time with a counselor to support you with coping with loss and healing your deepest hurt.