Bellevue Christian Counseling Logo

  • ServicesRead about the expertise available
    • Individual ServicesAddress your personal concerns confidentially
      • ADHD
      • Abandonment Issues and Neglect
      • Aging and Geriatric Issues
      • Anger Management
      • Anxiety
      • Autism Spectrum Disorder
      • Bipolar Disorder
      • Chemical Dependency
      • Counseling for Children
      • Counseling for Teens
      • Codependency
      • Depression
      • Eating Disorders
      • EMDR
      • Grief and loss Counseling
      • Individual Counseling
      • Infidelity and Affairs
      • Lifespan Integration Therapy
      • Men’s Issues
      • OCD
      • Personal Development
      • Psychological Testing
      • PTSD
      • Relationship Issues
      • Sex And Porn Addiction
      • Sexual Abuse
      • Spiritual Development
      • Trauma
      • Weight Loss
      • Women’s Issues
    • Christian Couples CounselingWork through challenges together
      • Couples Counseling
      • Premarital Counseling
      • Marriage Counseling
    • Family CounselingEstablish the peaceful home you desire
      • Christian Counseling for Children
        and Teens
      • Family Counseling
    • Group CounselingBenefit from the support of others
      • Men’s Sexual Addiction Recovery
        Group
      • All Counseling Groups
    • Online Counseling
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Marriage Counseling
    • Sex And Porn Addiction
  • LocationsChoose from our variety of office locations
    • Anacortes 1Anacortes
    • Bellevue
    • Bothell 8Bothell
    • Bellevue Christian Counseling 1Edmonds
    • Everett 8Everett
    • Federal Way
    • Kent 2Kent
    • Kirkland Christian CounselingKirkland
    • Lacey Christian CounselingLacey
    •  1Mill Creek
    •  1Monroe
    • Oak Harbor Office OutsideOak Harbor
    • Poulsbo
    •  1Puyallup
    • Redmond 3Redmond
    • Seattle Ballard 6Seattle Ballard
    •  1Seattle Downtown
    • Seattle Greenlake 10Seattle Greenlake
    • Silverdale Office FrontSilverdale
    • Tacoma 6Tacoma
    •  1Spokane
    • Spokane ValleySpokane Valley
    • Vancouver
    •  1Online Counseling
  • CounselorsFind the best counselor for your needs
  • CareersBecome an affiliated Christian counselor
  • (425) 939-6856Please give us a call, we are here to help
header-image

How To Stop Enabling Your Substance Abuser

Bellevue Christian Counseling
https://bellevuechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/how-to-stop-enabling-your-substance-abuser-5.jpg 400 266
https://bellevuechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/bellevue.jpg
https://bellevuechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/cropped-cropped-seattle-logo.png
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
Photo of Chris Chandler

Chris Chandler

Jun
2013
13

How To Stop Enabling Your Substance Abuser

Chris Chandler

AnxietyMarriage Counseling

References
“Get Your Loved One Sober” by Robert J. Meyers, Ph. D, and Brenda L. Wolfe, Ph. D.

(This article is the second of a two-part series on boundaries about how to stop enabling a loved one who struggles with substance abuse. The first article helps you understand how actions you take to help your loved one might actually encourage them to use. This article provides alternative strategies to get them to stop using.)

 

Like us if you are enjoying this content.

Encouraging someone to get sober can be agonizing. You scream and cry and beg, but nothing works. In the meantime, you clean up their messes to make life easier for yourself. Stop. The only way to help your substance abuser stop is by making it harder for them to use.

The authors of “Get Your Loved One Sober” suggest making a list of ways you have tried to do this in the past. Maybe you have threatened to take the kids away, called 911, or begged them to stop. As your loved one is still using, it is safe to say these strategies are not working. The authors offer replacement strategies for improving life with a substance abuser. Switching to these methods will be unpleasant at first, but, if you stick with it, it will pay off.

Stop Protecting Your Substance Abuser

As discussed in the first article, part of the reason you enable is because you feel mean when you do not help your loved one. Refusing to make things easier for a substance abuser is not the same as declining to help someone out of a jam just because you don’t feel like it. Scripture does not sanction selfishness, but it does sanction deserved consequences. “God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Heb. 12:10-11 NIV)

Every time you clean up your drinker’s messes you eliminate an opportunity for the necessary and helpful lessons spoken of in Hebrews. You also make it easier for them to use. “If you want your drinker to change her lifestyle, you absolutely have to let her be responsible for it. It’s not easy, but in the long run it will pay off.” (115) If they’re old enough for a hangover, they are old enough to call in sick at work. Quit cleaning them up after they vomit on themselves. Don’t buy liquor for them to drink in the house. This part of steering someone to sobriety is hard because it means the consequences of substance abuse fall harder on you as well. Stay tough through it. You will crawl out of this valley eventually.

Stop Nagging and Fighting

Life with a substance abuser is painful. Their actions hurt you, so you try to get revenge with words. This does not help. Your guilt-trips and chastening will only drive them that much more quickly to the comforting bottle. Instead, remove yourself from the situation.

Picture in your head how the interaction plays out when your loved one comes home drunk and you scream at them. They probably start screaming back. You are trying to fight fire with fire, which makes the conflagration burn even hotter. You need to find a way to communicate your disappointment and refusal to associate with them while they are drunk without turning it into a fight.

For example, say it is 9 p.m. and your husband is finally home from going to the bar after work. Calmly tell him you don’t appreciate being kept waiting for hours. You and the kids have eaten, and you sent them off to bed. If he wants dinner, he can help himself to the fridge. You are going to bed. As the authors point out, this kind of reaction is more about communicating your feelings than attacking the substance abuser. You accomplish three goals: you let them know how you feel, avoid a fight, and do not give them an excuse to continue drinking. The authors do acknowledge it is possible the substance abuser will have another drink after this discussion, but it is more difficult for them to blame it on you when you have been so “reasonable.” (87-88)

Christian Counseling for Helping an Alcoholic

To achieve sobriety, the substance abuser isn’t the only one who needs to change. You do too if you have any hope of steering them away from using. It is like when Proverbs 27 speaks of how “iron sharpens iron,” our behavior toward one another shapes our characters. You have a much better chance of convincing your loved one to get help if you stop making drinking easy for them, and stop being one of their excuses for drinking. They can help you understand the differences Scripture highlights between charity and enabling. They can also suggest strategies for nudging your loved one toward sobriety.

 

Photos
Enabling-christian-counseling Freedigitalphotos.net user pakorn
Christian-counseling-help-alcoholic Freedigitalphotos.net user scottchan

  • Share on Facebook
  • Tweet it
  • ↑ Back to top
Photo of Chris Chandler
Schedule with Chris
  • Appointment Info

  • Your Info

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Chris Chandler

Licensed Counselor and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist
(425) 533-0007 chrisc@bellevuechristiancounseling.com

Have you ever struggled with doubt, failure, or addiction? I have, and I know that redemption is possible through Christ. My hope for you is to find healing and wholeness. I’m honored to use my experiences and faith to help you reclaim and fortify your life though faith-based counseling. Whatever you’ve been through, I offer you a safe and understanding place where you can find your path to freedom. Together, we can discover lasting and positive change though the love, mercy, and grace of Christ. Read more articles by Chris »

Other articles that might interest you...

You Can Improve Life with a Substance Abuser Through Christian Counseling (Part 2)
Photo of Chris Chandler

Chris Chandler

You Can Improve Life with a Substance ...

By Chris Chandler, MA, LMHC, CSAT-C, Bellevue Christian Counseling References: Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and...

continue reading »
You Can Improve Life with a Substance Abuser Through Christian Counseling (Part 1)
Photo of Chris Chandler

Chris Chandler

You Can Improve Life with a Substance ...

By Chris Chandler, MA, LMHC, CSAT, Bellevue Christian Counseling References: Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and...

continue reading »
What Is Enabling and Why Is It Bad?
Photo of Chris Chandler

Chris Chandler

What Is Enabling and Why Is It Bad?

References “Get Your Loved One Sober” by Robert J. Meyers, Ph. D, and Brenda L. Wolfe, Ph. D. “Boundaries” by...

continue reading »

About Chris

Photo of Chris Chandler

Chris Chandler, MA, LMHC, CSAT

Licensed Counselor and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist

Have you ever struggled with doubt, failure, or addiction? I have, and I know that redemption is possible through Christ. My hope for you is to find healing and wholeness. I’m honored to use my experiences and faith to help you reclaim and fortify your life though faith-based counseling. Whatever you’ve been through, I offer you a safe and understanding place where you can find your path to freedom. Together, we can discover lasting and positive change though the love, mercy, and grace of Christ. View Chris's Profile

Recent articles by Chris

  • Dec 23 · Stronger Self-Esteem Through Vulnerability
  • Dec 22 · Replacing Shame with Authenticity
  • Nov 25 · Letting Go of Fear
See all articles by Chris »

Related Services

  • Anxiety
  • Marriage Counseling

Chris's Office Locations

  • Photo of the Online (WA only) office

    Online (WA only)

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (206) 388-3929
    444 Northeast Ravenna Boulevard Seattle, WA 98115

    View Office Details

Subscribe to our Newsletter

Bellevue Christian Counseling Logo
Bellevue Christian Counseling
Professional help with faith-based values
We are an association of professional, independently licensed Christian counselors experienced in helping people of all ages find healing for a wide variety of issues.
© 2023 Bellevue Christian Counseling. All rights reserved.
330 112th Ave NE,, Bellevue, WA 98004. Tel (425) 939-6856.
Facebook Twitter Online Counseling About Us Privacy Policy Terms of Use Feel free to contact us!
COVID-19 Service Update: We are still open for business. In office and online counseling is available if needed.