How to Understand the ‘How We Love’ Series

By Benjamin Deu, MA, LMHC, Seattle Christian Counseling

How to Understand the ‘How We Love’ Series

Consider this your map to figuring out how to navigate the “How We Love” series based on Milan Kay Yerkovich’s book on personality imprints. First, there is an introductory article explaining imprinting. It’s followed by five informative articles describing each imprint. Each “imprint” article has its own practical article with helpful exercises for learning how to interact with others in a healthier way. Clicking on the exercises link takes you to those.

INTRODUCTION

Like hands molding clay on a pottery wheel, our first relationships and childhood experiences mold how we interact with other people as we grow older. However, not all of these approaches are healthy.

This article explains how imprints form and provides characteristics of each imprint to help you decide which one sounds like you.

AVOIDER

This imprint causes people to avoid their own emotions or dealing with the emotions of others. They usually grew up in homes with parents who didn’t give them much affection; instead, they praised them for their achievements. Because of this, avoiders become driven, accomplishment-oriented adults. Their spouses often feel alone because avoiders don’t let them in too deep and rarely include them when they make decisions.

These people will do just about anything they can to keep people from getting mad at them. Adults with pleaser imprints usually grew up in homes under the shadow of an overprotective or a hypercritical parent. This creates adults who are either unprepared to deal with uncomfortable situations because their parents always handled it, or adults who rush in to ameliorate because that’s what they did growing up. They struggle to establish boundaries. Avoider Exercises

CONTROLLER

This imprint is caused by a similar homelife situation to controllers. These people become victims because they don’t have the assertive personality that creates controllers. They often end up being abused by their spouse. They ignore and rationalize the horrors of the abuse like toads boiling in water. Victims are told they deserve to be abused and they believe it. They tell themselves, if only they could be better, it would go away.

Controllers grew up in chaotic, often abusive homes. They have no frame of reference for healthy interactions with others. They struggle with authority, often quitting jobs if they don’t like their boss. They’re desperate for the praise and adoration their parents never gave them, so they jealously control their spouse to keep them from leaving. They feel justified in manipulating others to achieve their desires, and angrily attack anyone who questions their behavior. Controller Exercises

VACILLATOR

 They can never get enough love. Growing up, one or both of their parents often left them for long periods, and now they deal with serious issues regarding rejection. They fall powerfully in love quickly, but often end the relationship when the fire fades. They figure it’s just going to fall apart anyway. Their emotional state tends to set the atmosphere for the household. They also tend to exaggerate their emotions to draw attention to themselves and maintain contact– withdrawing into a cloud of resentment until the “guilty” party pursues them. Vacillator Exercises

PLEASER

These people will do just about anything they can to keep people from getting mad at them. Adults with pleaser imprints usually grew up in homes under the shadow of an overprotective or a hypercritical parent. This creates adults who are either unprepared to deal with uncomfortable situations because their parents always handled it, or adults who rush in to ameliorate because that’s what they did growing up. They struggle to establish boundaries. Pleaser Exercises

VICTIM

This imprint is caused by a similar homelife situation to controllers. These people become victims because they don’t have the assertive personality that creates controllers. They often end up being abused by their spouse. They ignore and rationalize the horrors of the abuse like toads boiling in water. Victims are told they deserve to be abused and they believe it. They tell themselves, if only they could be better, it would go away. Victim Exercises

FOR MORE HELP

Their counselors apply biblical principles to therapeutic techniques to help people make sense of their inward confusion and gain a better perspective of how to live a fulfilling, Godly life.

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