To Grudge or Not to Grudge: A Christian Counselor on Forgiveness, Part 2

This is the second article in a two-part series on the topic of forgiveness. In part one, I discussed what forgiveness is–and what it is not. In part two, I will discuss some of the potential barriers to forgiveness as well as a few of the results of withholding forgiveness.

As I said in part one, we have all been hurt by the actions or words of other people in our lives. Whether parents, coworkers, siblings, spouses, friends or relatives–everyone we come into contact with has the potential to harm us, and many of them have. Many times this hurt can result in deep emotional wounds that create persistent feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness. So, how do we get over such feelings? How do we keep ourselves from dwelling on these wounds for years to come?

As I said in part one, we have all been hurt by the actions or words of other people in our lives. Whether parents, coworkers, siblings, spouses, friends or relatives–everyone we come into contact with has the potential to harm us, and many of them have. Many times this hurt can result in deep emotional wounds that create persistent feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness. So, how do we get over such feelings? How do we keep ourselves from dwelling on these wounds for years to come?

Barriers to Forgiveness

• Failing to Understand What Forgiveness Is
  For many of us, the biggest barrier to extending forgiveness to another person is the simple fact that we don’t fully understand what forgiveness is. For example, if we think that extending forgiveness means that we have to just move on and forget what happened to us, then forgiveness may feel utterly impossible. If extending forgiveness makes us feel that the other person has “got away with” the harm they inflicted on us, that will probably devalue our pain and make forgiveness more difficult. An accurate understanding of forgiveness is essential in order to be able to extend forgiveness.

• Being in Denial About Our Need to Forgive
  Sometimes, the pain we experience inside can feel just too deep and too strong for us to face. We may feel that it makes more sense to bury it, move on, and leave it all in the past. Why bring up all those old bones, right? The problem is that this approach to our pain can leave our true feelings blocked and locked up inside us. It is far healthier to connect with those feelings and walk through the process of grieving what we have lost. We cannot fully move beyond our pain until we have faced it, felt it, and processed it. Only then can we actually make a choice to extend forgiveness. If we are in denial about our pain, we cannot forgive.

• Being Afraid to Forgive
  The decision to forgive requires great courage. The forgiver often feels that they have to find answers to some big questions. What is this potential decision to forgive going to cost me? Can I handle the cost? Will my decision to forgive require me to enter into a potentially painful confrontation with the one who has caused my pain? Will I feel guilty later for deciding to forgive? Do I have to ignore my own boundaries and expose myself to further harm? Questions like this–although they reveal a lack of understanding of true forgiveness–can be truly scary to face. When forgiveness feels like too much to handle, it will likely be held back. A good counselor can help you to unpack all of these issues so that you can make the best decision for your situation.

 

The Consequences of Failing to Forgive

• Withholding Forgiveness Causes Stress
  There is a fair amount of research that suggests that there are physical consequences associated with the decision to withhold forgiveness. These can include impaired immune functioning, increased blood pressure, digestive disturbances, decreased sleep and an increase in overall perceived stress. Clearly, forgiveness is as much a gift to the giver as it is to the recipient.

• Not Forgiving Leads to Self-Inflicted Harm
  When we choose to hold back forgiveness, we expose ourselves to the human tendency to mentally and emotionally relive the harm that has been done to us. We tend to ruminate on the pain, revisiting, and replaying the painful incidents over and over again in our minds. This is a form of self-inflicted re-injury. We don’t have to live with that kind of pain and inner chaos and forgiveness is the way out. 

• Failing to Forgive Damages Our Other Relationships
  This is something I have seen on display in my counseling office many times. Those who refuse to forgive others will frequently be unable to engage authentically within other relationships. The bitterness and resentment bleeds into other contexts in their lives. They are not able to risk being hurt again, so they live at a safe distance from others. They cut themselves off emotionally from other loved ones–not just the party who harmed them. Forgiving those who have harmed us frees us up to live in true community, with life-giving vulnerability in our other relationships.

 

Christian Counseling Can Help in the Struggle to Forgive

Are you struggling to forgive someone in your life? The Christian counseling process is all about forgiveness, redemption, and the restoration of the soul. It is grounded in the belief in a personal, living God and enables us to experience the abundant life that Jesus came to offer us. Nothing is more exciting to me than watching this abundant life become a reality in the lives of those I work with. You may not feel able to believe that change is possible right now, and that’s OK. But with the help of a good Christian counselor, you (and your spouse) can begin to find the solutions you are seeking.

Photos
Images are courtesy of http://office.microsoft.com:  Barrier.JPG, Stressed Woman.JPG and Freedom.JPG