Bellevue Christian Counseling Logo

  • ServicesRead about the expertise available
    • Individual ServicesAddress your personal concerns confidentially
      • ADHD
      • Abandonment Issues and Neglect
      • Aging and Geriatric Issues
      • Anger Management
      • Anxiety
      • Autism Spectrum Disorder
      • Bipolar Disorder
      • Chemical Dependency
      • Counseling for Children
      • Counseling for Teens
      • Codependency
      • Depression
      • Eating Disorders
      • EMDR
      • Grief and loss Counseling
      • Individual Counseling
      • Infidelity and Affairs
      • Lifespan Integration Therapy
      • Men’s Issues
      • OCD
      • Personal Development
      • Psychological Testing
      • PTSD
      • Relationship Issues
      • Sex And Porn Addiction
      • Sexual Abuse
      • Spiritual Development
      • Trauma
      • Weight Loss
      • Women’s Issues
    • Christian Couples CounselingWork through challenges together
      • Couples Counseling
      • Premarital Counseling
      • Marriage Counseling
    • Family CounselingEstablish the peaceful home you desire
      • Christian Counseling for Children
        and Teens
      • Family Counseling
    • Group CounselingBenefit from the support of others
      • Men’s Sexual Addiction Recovery
        Group
      • All Counseling Groups
    • Online Counseling
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Marriage Counseling
    • Sex And Porn Addiction
  • LocationsChoose from our variety of office locations
    • Anacortes 1Anacortes
    • Bellevue
    • Bothell 8Bothell
    • Bellevue Christian Counseling 1Edmonds
    • Everett 8Everett
    • Federal Way
    • Kent 2Kent
    • Kirkland Christian CounselingKirkland
    • Lacey Christian CounselingLacey
    •  1Mill Creek
    •  1Monroe
    • Oak Harbor Office OutsideOak Harbor
    • Poulsbo
    •  1Puyallup
    • Redmond 3Redmond
    • Seattle Ballard 6Seattle Ballard
    •  1Seattle Downtown
    • Seattle Greenlake 10Seattle Greenlake
    • Silverdale Office FrontSilverdale
    • Tacoma 6Tacoma
    •  1Spokane
    • Spokane ValleySpokane Valley
    • Vancouver
    •  1Online Counseling
  • CounselorsFind the best counselor for your needs
  • CareersBecome an affiliated Christian counselor
  • (425) 939-6856Please give us a call, we are here to help
header-image

Why Can I Not Forgive Myself? A Christian Counselor’s Perspective

Bellevue Christian Counseling
https://bellevuechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/why-can-i-not-forgive-myself-a-christian-counselors-perspective-3.jpg 1000 667
https://bellevuechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/bellevue.jpg
https://bellevuechristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/cropped-cropped-seattle-logo.png
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
Photo of Barney Armstrong

Barney Armstrong

Aug
2014
18

Why Can I Not Forgive Myself? A Christian Counselor’s Perspective

Barney Armstrong

Marriage Counseling

By Barney Armstrong, MA, LMHC, Bellevue Christian Counseling

 

It’s common for people to ask: “Why can’t I forgive myself?” Often the picture of the “crime” keeps jabbing them. They have feelings that they don’t like, but they don’t know what to do about them. In this article, I outline some of the possible reasons why people find it difficult to forgive themselves.

You Have Been Forgiven Through the Cross

Sitting on the GrassThe obvious reason, of course, is that they may be experiencing true guilt. Deceiving yourself is never a good idea—it doesn’t work anyway—and so you may need to genuinely change your mind about something. You may need to genuinely ask forgiveness of God and perhaps also of the others whom you have hurt.

Like us if you are enjoying this content.

After you’ve done that, and some people do it over and over, what do you do if the feelings still don’t go away? The second thing to check is whether you need to enlarge your idea of how effective and comprehensive the Cross is. The payment made by Jesus to secure your pardon is effective in the absolute and covers literally everything that might hinder your freedom in any way. Most people have to grow into these notions as they mature as Christians (2 Pet. 3:18). With experience, you become savvy to humanity’s natural avoidance of grace. Yet God’s program is for you to grow in receiving grace from Him and so you can expect a trajectory here. Ask yourself the question, “What is bigger, the Cross or my failure?” That ought to settle it.

Even if another person never forgives you, they don’t hold you hostage for even a moment. The Cross trumps everything. Jesus forgave people publicly who had committed sins that may have included crimes against other people who were looking on (see Mark 2:4 ff.). People objected that He couldn’t do that unless He was God or something ̶ and of course … He was. And He is. For you also, right now, today.

Your Heart Needs to Change

But what if you still have bad feelings? Often the problem is that we really don’t care all that much about righteousness, or being genuinely good, we just don’t want to feel bad. This is pretty typical in our feel-good culture. If this describes your situation then, you need to spend some time really admiring simple goodness, virtue, generosity, and kindness.

To put it another way, we typically want the feelings to go away, but we don’t want our hearts to change. Our heart is our “wanter.” To genuinely repent, or change your mind, you need to change that part of your mind that is your wanter – your heart. Yes, God does change hearts, but it may feel as if you are doing all the work. You need to intentionally set your desire upon and relish that which is good, admirable, noble, and laudable ̶ and reject, eschew, jettison, and be repulsed by that which is wrong, disgusting, immoral, destructive, and whatever other categories of “bad” you think apply.

Your Idealized View of Self

BARM Waiting for Good NewsAre your feelings still bugging you? It is also typical in this culture to fall short of an idealization that we have of ourselves. But this is really idolatry. We are to love Lord our God with all our heart (Deut. 6:5). Anything we love aside from Him is an idolatry. In this case, we have a view of ourselves that we love separately from our love of the Lord. The feeling we wish would go away is really disappointment at realizing that our idol has a flaw. This Christian thing and grace notwithstanding, we were really hoping that our natural talent, superior DNA, and being smarter than the average bear would give us a bit of an edge in the final analysis. But the good news is that you get to lose all that nonsense.

Why Do You Apologize?

Christian culture has created habits of apologizing just for the sake of apologizing and keeping the peace. Check yourself. If you find yourself apologizing often, ask yourself: Am I apologizing in the other’s best interest ̶ to acknowledge another’s rights and contribute to their welfare? Or I am being self-serving in trying to get my unwanted feelings to go away? If you’re doing the latter, you are probably being annoying, or, worse, creating emotional dependence. Stop apologizing and just start doing the right thing.

A Christian Counselor Can Help You in Your Struggle to Forgive Yourself

Trying to “feel” forgiven can be like chasing your tail. If you recognize any of the factors described in this article in your life, then the likelihood is that they are creating difficulties for you. Christian counseling can be helpful ̶ it provides a safe place in which to unburden your cares and a safe face that looks for how to apply God’s grace in your situation.

Photos
“Sitting on the Grass,” http://mrg.bz/u2K5JZ, by Darnok, MorgueFile.com; “Waiting for Good News Cropped,” courtesy of Meg Willis, https://flic.kr/p/5TCmND, Flickr Creative Commons, (CC BY 2.0)

  • Share on Facebook
  • Tweet it
  • ↑ Back to top
Photo of Barney Armstrong
Schedule with Barney
  • Appointment Info

  • Your Info

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Barney Armstrong

Licensed Counselor
(206) 701-9144 barneya@bellevuechristiancounseling.com

Life should be more than just pain and trials. Though they can serve a purpose, I believe that God has much more in store for you. My hope is to help you discover the wonderful joys and strength that lie beneath the pain and trauma you might be facing. Through Christ, we can conquer fear and find freedom, healing, and purpose. Whatever challenges you face, I offer you a safe place for you to discover all that God can do for your life. Read more articles by Barney »

Other articles that might interest you...

A Christian Counselor’s Perspective on Christian Counseling
Photo of Erik Mildes

Erik Mildes

A Christian Counselor’s Perspective ...

People often ask me what “Christian counseling” means and what does it looks like. Many clients wonder if it means...

continue reading »
Christian Counselor’s Perspective: Why You Have a Right to Your Feelings
Photo of Chris Chandler

Chris Chandler

Christian Counselor’s Perspective: ...

By Chris Chandler, MA, LMHC, CSAT-C, Seattle Christian Counseling References “The New Codependency” by Melody Beattie and “How We love” by...

continue reading »
Growing in Community: A Christian Counselor’s Perspective, Part 1
Photo of Barney Armstrong

Barney Armstrong

Growing in Community: A Christian ...

By Barney Armstrong, MA, LMHCA, Bellevue Christian Counseling What is life supposed to be like? We carry on with the...

continue reading »

About Barney

Photo of Barney Armstrong

Barney Armstrong, MA, LMHC

Licensed Counselor

Life should be more than just pain and trials. Though they can serve a purpose, I believe that God has much more in store for you. My hope is to help you discover the wonderful joys and strength that lie beneath the pain and trauma you might be facing. Through Christ, we can conquer fear and find freedom, healing, and purpose. Whatever challenges you face, I offer you a safe place for you to discover all that God can do for your life. View Barney's Profile

Recent articles by Barney

  • Aug 13 · How to Cure Depression: Is it Really Possible?
  • Mar 23 · Codependency Recovery: Two Expert Tips
  • Jun 26 · How to Forgive and Really Mean It: Part II
See all articles by Barney »

Related Services

  • Marriage Counseling

Barney's Office Locations

  • Photo of the Bellevue office

    Bellevue

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (425) 939-6856
    330 112th Ave NE,, Suite 302 Bellevue, WA 98004

    View Office Details
  • Photo of the Redmond office

    Redmond

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (425) 250-6282
    8195 166th Ave NE,, Suite #204 Redmond, WA 98052

    View Office Details
  • Photo of the Online (WA only) office

    Online (WA only)

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (206) 388-3929
    444 Northeast Ravenna Boulevard Seattle, WA 98115

    View Office Details

Subscribe to our Newsletter

Bellevue Christian Counseling Logo
Bellevue Christian Counseling
Professional help with faith-based values
We are an association of professional, independently licensed Christian counselors experienced in helping people of all ages find healing for a wide variety of issues.
© 2023 Bellevue Christian Counseling. All rights reserved.
330 112th Ave NE,, Bellevue, WA 98004. Tel (425) 939-6856.
Facebook Twitter Online Counseling About Us Privacy Policy Terms of Use Feel free to contact us!
COVID-19 Service Update: We are still open for business. In office and online counseling is available if needed.