Unpacking the Fawn Response After Trauma

Our nervous system has ways of shielding us from what it perceives to be threatening or harmful situations. This ability is often developed in early childhood and persists well into adulthood. Many people know this as the “fight or flight” response, but in addition to fight and flight, there is also a fawn or freeze response.

The Four Responses

Our body’s ability to recognize potential danger is sometimes known as neuroception. That means that our nervous system has a kind of natural intuition in certain situations.

For example, if we grew up in a family that had a lot of conflict and aggressive communication, our nervous system might react to any loud environment or confrontation as a possible threat, and act accordingly to protect ourselves. It is a type of mental and emotional survival method, usually borne out of trauma or adverse childhood experiences.

The fight response

People with this primary neuroceptive response tend to face threats head-on with defensiveness, a critical attitude, bullying or overbearing behavior, or angry outbursts. People with a fight response might be manipulative and have a problem accepting others’ boundaries. Their tactic for self-preservation or survival is to emerge the winner in the confrontation, by any means necessary.

The flight response

If you hate confrontation, prefer to withdraw at the faintest suggestion of trouble, and distance yourself from issues, you might be operating from the flight response. In addition to these tactics, people with a flight response tend to overthink situations, ignore facts, and intellectualize emotions. They also tend to dismiss, distract, and deny as tactics to get out of potential danger.

The freeze response

When under pressure or threat, the person with the freeze response tends to check out of the situation mentally and emotionally, becoming numb to everything. They tend to disassociate, practice daydreaming, and have great difficulty taking action. They will rarely advocate for themselves and will simply refuse to decide on any topic.

The fawn response

The person with a fawn response tends to please, pacify, and seek peace at any cost, mostly to themselves. They have weak boundaries, an inability to say “no” to anyone, and will often lose themselves in relationships or work environments due to not being able to state their preferences. On the surface, they might seem to be okay, but that is often because they go to great lengths to obscure the fact that they are mentally or emotionally struggling.

Unpacking the Fawn Response

Of all the threat responses, the fawn response is perhaps the most difficult to recognize as problematic, since people with this response appear to be helpful, considerate, compassionate, and reliable.

A picture to understand the fawn response is a duck swimming on a pond; on the surface, it is floating around with the greatest ease, but below the surface, its legs are peddling a mile a minute to keep from sinking. Such people are operating out of a fear response. They bend over backward to accommodate everyone else, putting themselves last all the time, all the while desperately afraid of abandonment.

The fawn response usually develops in early childhood when a child has emotionally immature parents. They might have experienced one or a combination of the following:

• Inconsistent care.
• Conditional affection.
• Lack of emotional validation.
• Role reversal (a child being responsible for their parents).

Growing up in families with one or all of these traits will make a person crave the approval, stability, and affection they always miss out on. Additionally, they’ll likely always be bracing for the worst, and in this case, the worst for them is abandonment. Ironically, the person who abandons them most consistently is themselves. They put themselves last, strive to meet everyone else’s preferences, and have compassion for everyone but themselves.

Finding Healing

You might have heard it said that you cannot thrive if all you are trying to do is survive. The threat responses might have saved us from emotional damage as children, but as adults navigating relationships, responsibilities, parenting, or professionalism, the threat responses often end up taking away more than they give.

Over time, operating from a fawn response leads to emotional dysregulation, resentment, and loneliness because no one can connect with someone who is not honest. Navigating away from fear responses is not easy and takes time, practice, and most of all, self-awareness. Becoming emotionally honest with others (sharing your opinions, preferences, and experiences) starts with being honest with yourself.

Consider your needs and preferences

When you have been in the habit of valuing everyone else’s needs above your own, you possibly haven’t even begun to consider what it is that you need. Even knowing what you prefer or desire can be difficult. Now is the time to start considering it, though. There is no rush.
You could journal these things, or simply reflect on them, but consider these questions:

• What makes you feel loved?
• What is your love language?
• How do you prefer to spend your time?
• What does the ideal day look like to you?
• Are you more of an introvert or extrovert?
• How do you recharge your social batteries?
• Are you more of an external processor (you like talking through things to come to a conclusion), or an internal processor (you would rather think things through and talk about them when you’ve reached a conclusion)?

Having preferences and particular needs is important to your mental health. Compromise is important and sometimes we have to let go of our preferences, but healing from a fawn response is about discovering what makes you tick and pursuing that.

Stop taking responsibility for others’ emotions

This is something you probably taught yourself to do in childhood. When love and attention are conditional, kids have to fill in the gaps to understand things. For example, when a parent was suddenly cold and distant, you might have interpreted that as a response to something you did to upset them, and you tried to change your behavior to make them happy again.

This is a habit of most people-pleasers. They crave balance in their relationships, and when “the vibes are off” they kick into action to fix the situation. Other people’s emotions are not your responsibility. Adults are responsible for their emotions and what they choose to do with them.

Find those you can be your authentic self around

Consider who in your life you feel most comfortable around. The person you can be most honest with, who is easiest to be around, and who makes you feel seen and heard. If you have no one like this in your life, make it a goal to find such a connection. If you do have someone like this, become intentional in being authentic around them: vent your emotions, however ugly they might feel, state your preferences, and don’t apologize for it.

Find your voice

Finding your voice is about more than verbal communication. While you may struggle with verbalizing your preferences, needs, or opinions, there is another level of self-expression that might be healing.

You might find freedom in dressing the way you like, even if it’s different from how you used to dress. You might want to decorate your work area, play the music you prefer in the car, or start a hobby you might have been too self-conscious to pursue before. The fawn response often stifles creativity, and there might be a new you waiting to emerge like a butterfly. if you will allow it.

Professional Support

If you would like to unpack your fawn response further, we would suggest speaking with a counselor about it. It is never too late to find healing and begin the process of finding freedom by expressing your authentic self. Reach out to our offices today if you would like to pursue counseling as a measure of self-help. We will connect you to one of the skillful therapists in our directory.