5 Beliefs That Are Rooted in Childhood Trauma

Many people think of trauma as a major event that has the potential to completely derail someone’s mental health. They think of abuse, accidents, sudden deaths, or physical harm as events that cause trauma. While these examples certainly could cause serious long-term damage, there are many experiences we go through as children that shape the way we think, act, and approach relationships that are rooted in childhood trauma.

We can define childhood trauma as any instance where we felt unsafe, endangered, betrayed, neglected, or abandoned. No child is immune to this type of trauma, and sadly it often happens in households where parents are well-meaning but imperfect.

It is different from instances where children are physically and emotionally violated, but this type of childhood trauma is sometimes just as instrumental in shaping us as we grow, often for the worse. Being overlooked, neglected, ignored, conditionally loved, or betrayed as children creates beliefs about our self-worth that inform our actions as adults, sometimes into old age.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD)

You may have heard of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is a physical reaction to a traumatic event, such as witnessing a tragedy, experiencing an assault, or surviving an accident. Even though the event has come and gone, it has left an impression on a person’s nervous system, and even though they are removed from the danger of that event, they still feel the effects of the experience.

PTSD mostly occurs soon after a single impactful event, like an accident or physically harmful situation, and can last for three years or more. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) takes place after ongoing trauma, some of which can be hard to categorize as “trauma.”

For example, someone might have been married to a spouse who regularly belittled, criticized, and disrespected them. Though this spouse was never physically abusive, and the marriage might have had more pleasant memories than bitter ones, nevertheless they experienced trauma throughout the marriage that resulted in CPTSD.

Some trauma is subtle and hard to define, though its effects shape us for the worse. It is estimated that up to 60% of adults aged between twenty-five and forty live with CPTSD in some form. Most of the time we don’t want to term our childhood experiences as “traumatic” because this might have implications for parents who we love and respect.

It’s fine if we are not ready to face some of the events of our childhoods, however, it is worth considering how some of the beliefs we have as adults might be rooted in the way we were parented.

5 Beliefs Rooted in Childhood Trauma

I must be perfect

Well-meaning parents often pressure their kids to achieve the best at all times and to succeed at whatever they put their minds to. This is not necessarily an abusive or even a negative thing. However, it can amount to more pressure than a child or teen can handle.

Parents who push, encourage, and pressure their children to achieve and accomplish greatness also tend to communicate their disappointment over failure, while saving displays of affection or pride only for when their children succeed.

This leads to the belief that “My parents hate it when I fail, but they love me when I succeed, therefore I am only lovable when I win or succeed.” Parents don’t mean to communicate this, and most repeat the belief or behavior they grew up with. The pressure to succeed, win, or come out on top often results in people bound by perfectionism, fear of failing, or hypercriticism of others.

If people are unhappy, it must be my fault

Some parents are bad at communication, inconsistent in their boundaries, and unpredictable in their care, making for a cocktail of trauma for their children. They might be affectionate and warm one day, and distant or gruff the next, sometimes because they are stressed and struggle with prioritizing tasks.

The mind of a child observes patterns of behavior in the adults around them but without the ability to make logical assumptions and read between the lines. Most children fill in their gaps of understanding in unhelpful ways. A sudden silence or distance will read as a parent being angry or disappointed. The child will likely assume that they are the cause of the unhappiness.

These children might resort to apologetic or fawning behavior to try and gain some balance in the situation and will more than likely grow into adults who take the blame for things that are not their fault. They are sensitive to the “vibe” in a relationship, friendship, or workplace, and often have an accurate understanding of people. These skills, while helpful sometimes, are borne from the uncertainty and discomfort they felt as children of unpredictable parents or caregivers.

I can only truly rely on myself

When people have been disappointed one too many times, they withdraw into themselves and struggle to trust anyone. Though they desperately want to relax, reach out, and allow others to help them, they might have learned at a young age that people will only let you down. Often, they believe no one can be trusted. This is what is known as a “betrayal wound” and more often than not it comes from an adverse childhood experience.

Children are not naturally distrustful of adults. They look to parents and guardian figures as trustworthy and reliable. It is only when an adult has made them feel exposed, vulnerable, or in danger that they will withdraw their trust and begin protecting themselves from further possible harm.

Sometimes a single event has a significant enough impact to make someone so self-reliant that they can’t let their guard down enough to trust anyone else. This is an exhausting and lonely way to live, borne of childhood trauma.

I need constant validation

Everyone needs validation but some of us crave it constantly and feel insecure when we don’t get it. The lack of validation causes our minds to race, and our thoughts often turn into fears. These fears and insecurities are only calmed by getting validation from those whose opinions matter most.

Some children never manage to achieve or win any recognition in school and might have parents who don’t communicate any pleasure or displeasure with them. They have little choice but to resort to comparing themselves with others and finding validation from whoever will give it to them. This need for constant validation is one of the most childlike impulses we can have as an adult, but one that doesn’t go away until we find someone who sees us and values us.

People will leave me because everyone always does

Everyone will experience neglect, abandonment, or rejection at some point in their lives. Many people have a belief that everyone they get close to is going to leave them because that is all they have ever experienced. For them, it feels safer not to rely too heavily on any relationship. People who grew up in households with little adult supervision, few boundaries, no discipline, and much neglect are likely to experience abandonment trauma.

Though they might not have been physically abandoned, the lack of care and hands-on parenting felt like abandonment. It taught them that even the most trustworthy people would not stick around. When our childhood home feels unstable, unsafe, or lonely, we will likely grow up with a belief that nowhere is truly safe, and everyone will eventually leave us.

Christian Counseling for Trauma Recovery

Childhood trauma is something that affects many people, often without them fully being aware of it. If you would like to explore the concept of complex post-traumatic stress disorder further, contact our office today. We will connect you with a counselor who can help you work through the impact of the trauma you experienced.