Coping with Grief: Grieving Together with Your Spouse

One of the things implied by being a couple is that you are present with and for each other in better or worse times. Life comes with many joys, but also many sorrows. Couples walk with each other in these seasons, ideally providing support and comfort. When grief visits a family, a couple stands together as they process their loss.

Though two people may be in similar circumstances, they don’t necessarily experience them in the same ways. Each spouse may have different ways of grieving, the grief will hit them in different ways, and they will need to find ways to grieve together and also learn how to cope with the loss individually, as well. As they grieve, they must also be mindful of ways of grieving together that help them maintain their relationship and not damage it.

Couples and Their Grief

In a couple’s life together, they can experience grief from several different sources. These various griefs affect their relationship in different ways. Some common types and sources of grief that couples face include grief that’s unleashed in the aftermath of an affair, or a long-distance couple might deal with emotional strain from physical separation.

Spouses may also have grief related to their desire for children. The couple may be coping with miscarriage, the emotional hardship of not being able to conceive, or losing a baby during childbirth. The couple may be grieving the loss of a child, regardless of the age of the child.

Another sort of grief that a couple may experience is related to their health and well-being. Grief may be related to the fact that one or both of them is chronically ill or has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. If one’s partner is injured or goes through a sudden or gradual loss of cognitive or physical abilities, grief is a way of adjusting to that loss and coming to terms with it.

If one or both partners experience trauma and are recovering from that trauma, or if the couple loses a family member, friend, neighbor, or beloved family pet, these forms of loss may also trigger grief.

When a couple goes through various phases of life and meaningful transitions, those may also bring about loss and grief. When adult children leave the home, the transition to an empty nest may occasion grief. The same can occur with other major life transitions, such as retirement, changing jobs, or moving homes and leaving the community behind.

Lastly, a couple may experience other forms of grief, such as disenfranchised grief, which is grief that is not acknowledged or validated by others around them. There may also be ambiguous losses, such as a partner’s disappearance. Lastly, when a community tragedy occurs, the couple shares that grief collectively with others.

A couple may face grief from different sources, and their grief may take a unique shape. At any given time, a couple may be facing and working through multiple forms of grief, and they won’t necessarily experience and process it in the same way.

The Effects of Grief on a Couple

When a couple is grieving, that grief can affect them in different ways, impacting their relationship, well-being, and lives together. Grief can affect a couple in some of the following ways:

Communication problems Grief stirs up all sorts of emotions, and couples may struggle to express what they’re experiencing. One or both partners may avoid talking about things for fear of being overwhelmed, or they may misread each other’s actions or responses. These things may all result in misunderstandings and conflict.

Emotions gone awry Feelings like shame, anger, guilt, relief, or blame are all common experiences resulting from grief, and these can strain a relationship, particularly when they are intense. As each partner tries to process their grief, they may also feel distant and disconnected from one another.

Relationship dynamics shift One effect of grief is it can result in changes in roles and responsibilities in the relationship, as well as an increased dependency on one another, which can cause tension. The pain that comes with grief can also lead to diminished emotional connection and intimacy.

Impact on daily life As the couple grieves, daily life may look different as priorities and resources shift. Grief can sometimes foment uncertainty as it throws routines out. As a couple grieves, they may also withdraw from activities they used to enjoy, which can intensify the feeling of isolation. Depending on how they handle it, grief can also affect a couple’s eating habits, as well as their sleep, self-care, and overall well-being.

Spiritual impact Loss and grief can raise significant questions about meaning, purpose, existence, and more. For a couple who are grieving, they may experience an existential crisis, or they may feel like the Lord abandoned them, or perhaps like they’ve abandoned each other. If the loss relates to a shared aspect of their lives, the couple may also experience a loss of purpose or identity, which can be difficult and painful.

There’s no way to predict how grief will affect a couple. Though grief can be challenging, it’s possible to grieve well together as a couple, being patient, kind, and supportive of each other during a difficult time for you both.

Grieving With Your Spouse

When two people grieve, even if they are grieving over the same loss, the way they grieve and how the grief affects them won’t be the same. This can prove challenging for a couple because it can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication. These challenges, coming at a time when the couple is already experiencing the strain from grief, make it all the more important for a couple to know how to grieve together.

Some of the tips that may help a couple grieving together over a shared loss include the following:

Create room to grieve differently It’s important to respect each other’s limits and individuality. Recognize that you will likely grieve differently, and accept that that’s okay. If your partner isn’t ready, don’t push them to share their feelings or talk about the loss.

Honest communication It’s also crucial to be honest with each other in your communication. This includes when you share your thoughts, emotions, and memories about your loved one. Create space to listen well, with empathy, and you can use “I” statements to express what you think and feel. Such a move allows you to avoid appearing like you’re blaming or accusing your spouse.

Honor or memorialize the loss People do this in different ways, but the point is to acknowledge the loss and find ways of processing it. Some people create memory books, others visit places that were special to their loved ones, while others partake in activities that remind them of their loved one, like their favorite biking trail, bookshop, or movie theatre.

Patience and flexibility Grief isn’t a straightforward journey, and it helps to keep that in mind as you try to work your way through it as a couple. Challenges will come, unruly emotions and thoughts will intrude into daily life, and you may encounter setbacks along the way. You will get through it, with patience and the ability to adapt when needed, if something isn’t working for you both.

Be supportive and present It should go without saying, but couples can work through grief more effectively if they find ways to be present and supportive of each other. Whether it’s just sitting together in silence and holding each other or helping with practical tasks so that you lighten each other’s load, you can support each other meaningfully and reduce the stress you’re carrying individually.

It can help couples to set aside a check-in time once a day or week, for example, where they know they will be sharing about their grieving, praying together, and/or acknowledging the loss together. This helps those who need to prepare for these types of conversations feel more emotionally ready, while giving the spouse, who wants to be talking about their grief, comfort in knowing that they have a mutual time set aside for this.

Self-care matters It may be the furthest thing from your mind, but taking care of yourself is a necessary move. Coping with grief can be exhausting, wearing you down physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Taking care of your well-being by exercising, doing your hobbies, getting as much good sleep each night as you can, and eating well can all help you with your health, energy levels, and ability to cope well.

Find Support for Coping with Grief

You can grieve together as a couple, nurturing your relationship and supporting each other even in this difficult season. Coping with grief can be hard, but there is help available. There are support groups for couples, and you can also seek professional help from a counselor or therapist who can walk with you as you grieve.