Long-Distance Relationship Advice: How to Maintain Intimacy at a Distance

There’s a beautiful description of intimacy to be found in the first few pages of Scripture. The first man meets the woman who’s to be his wife, and he waxes lyrical, saying,

This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man – Genesis 2:23, NIV

Then the Bible adds this line reflecting on what just happened: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2:24-25, NIV). That initial interaction sets a pattern for future generations, and it describes two people who are deeply connected in every way possible.

People find themselves in long-distance relationships for various reasons. One of the challenges that such relationships face is how to be and remain connected despite the distance. Knowing what intimacy is, why it matters, and how to nurture intimacy can set your relationship, long-distance or not, up for success.

What is intimacy?

It’s probably a fair bet to say that the word ‘intimacy’ draws out some kind of reaction or response when you hear it. It’s a word that has many facets to it, and your past brushes with it shape what you think of it.

At its root, intimacy is about human connection. There are different ways for that connection to happen, and different types of connections that one person can form with another. ‘Intimacy’ can refer to the physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional connection that two people have.

This meaningful connection is often marked by a deep sense of trust or confidence in one another and a feeling of understanding and acceptance. People who share intimacy are vulnerable; that means they are willing to be honest and open with each other, which makes them susceptible to getting hurt.

Intimacy could also refer to the physical touch and affection that two people share, as well as to a history of shared experiences that, over time, have nurtured a sense of togetherness. Two such people will often have, through experience, a deep understanding of each other’s thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs.

From the above, it’s probably clear that intimacy involves communication that helps to nurture connection and understanding. Such communication can only really occur when you’re present and fully engaged with another person. It also requires empathy toward them, which means understanding their feelings and thoughts. Lastly, intimacy only occurs in the context of mutual vulnerability.

If that’s what intimacy is and what it requires to flourish, it’s important to say what it isn’t. While sex is and can be a deeply intimate act, intimacy isn’t sex; intimacy is far broader than that. Being intimate with someone is also not about being too dependent on someone, nor is it about controlling or being possessive of them.

The Many Dimensions of Intimacy

For any relationship to flourish, particularly a romantic relationship, intimacy is a vital part of the equation. From what’s already been said and hinted at, intimacy isn’t a one-dimensional thing. Instead, there are various forms of intimacy, and they all have their value in a relationship.

Emotional intimacy, for instance, is about sharing your feelings, fears, desires, and dreams with your loved one. Sharing yourself in this way builds trust and fosters empathy. Physical intimacy, on the other hand, includes non-sexual and sexual touch, such as holding hands, cuddling, giving a hug, making love, rubbing your beloved’s back or shoulders, or giving a massage.

People can also share intellectual intimacy, which involves having deep, rich, and meaningful conversations, sharing ideas, and exploring new interests together. You can create shared curiosity this way and foster growth in each other. Spiritual intimacy includes sharing your values, your sense of purpose, and your relationship with the Lord, and exploring the deeper questions of life together, which nurtures shared purpose and deeper mutual understanding.

Other forms of intimacy include experiential and creative intimacy. Sharing new experiences, trying out new things, and exploring your world together are examples. It is about being able to express yourselves creatively with each other, for instance, through music, writing, and art. Not only are you creating new memories together, but you’re nurturing a sense of adventure and playfulness in the relationship.

These various forms of intimacy can be engaged in when you’re together in person, but they can also include your digital lives. You can connect through technology to share aspects of your lives, whether you’re doing that through social media, video calling, or messaging apps. You can thus bridge the vast distances that separate you by communicating in any way you can, digitally or online.

Intimacy has many dimensions, some of which may be new to you. Being aware of the different forms or arenas of intimacy can help you pay attention to things you may not have been investing in. Your relationship can benefit from growing your intimacy in all its varied dimensions.

Obstacles to Intimacy in a Long-Distance Relationship

Intimacy can be a challenge for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, people struggle with being vulnerable because of past hurt. It’s hard to open up to someone, even when they aren’t the one who hurt you.

For other people, finding the language to express their deepest thoughts and feelings can be a challenge. Issues such as betrayal can also hinder intimacy between two people; when trust is eroded, it’s difficult to be vulnerable.

Having said all that, long-distance relationships pose unique challenges for meaningful intimacy. Some of these issues include the following:

Logistical issues A long-distance relationship needs to contend with logistics to work. It can be expensive to travel and see each other, and if you’re traveling between countries, there are visa and immigration issues to work through as well. It can also be challenging, but not impossible, to coordinate schedules when two people have busy lives across different time zones.

Communication Issues such as time differences and being somewhere without a signal can all pose serious challenges. Additionally, using modes of communication such as text can also deprive you of nonverbal cues like facial expression, body language, and tone, which all contribute to the overall message. It’s easier to misinterpret each other, and it can create distance between two people.

Physical obstacles Physical touch makes a huge difference. We are embodied beings and have the ability to do simple things like squeeze a hand or give a hug. Without the gift of touch, the physical isolation of a long-distance relationship can easily turn into emotional isolation.

Additionally, when you’re in different places with different routines, your sense of togetherness can be disrupted. Your experiences may be at odds with one another, making it hard to maintain closeness.

Emotional challenges For some couples, physical distance can worsen trust issues or fuel abandonment fears. It can also feel harder to share deeply vulnerable emotions and thoughts over a phone call compared to talking in person. Being separated physically for a long time can lead to isolation and emotional disconnection.

These challenges aren’t insurmountable. With creativity and effort, you can overcome them and maintain the sense of intimacy you desire.

How to Maintain and Deepen Intimacy in a Long-Distance Relationship

When two people are committed to each other and care for one another, that’s a great place to start to overcome the complexities of maintaining intimacy in a long-distance relationship. It’ll take commitment, creativity, and work for a couple to maintain and deepen their intimacy despite the challenges that might come their way.

Some strategies that you can implement include the following:

Regular communication Prioritize and schedule calls, messages, and times to catch up. Use those times to share your experiences, thoughts, desires, fears, and more. You can also use the time to show appreciation for each other, as well as give support and celebrate wins or successes. You can also have virtual dates where you watch movies, cook, or play online games together.

Engage in creative expressions of love Find creative ways to express your love and affection for each other in a long-distance relationship, like sending care packages, surprise gifts, writing love letters, or reading your loved one’s favorite book to them. You can write journal entries or poetry to express your thoughts and feelings when you’re apart and then share them.

Share activities where possible Whether it’s keeping a shared journal, watching movies together, reading, playing, creating music, learning a new language, praying and reading Scripture together, doing things together, and sharing your experiences and interests helps to nurture a sense of togetherness.

Connect at deep levels You don’t have to engage in soul-searching conversations each time you meet, but don’t be afraid to go deep. Share your goals, dreams, experiences with the Lord, your values, your fears, and what you hope for your relationship. This opens a window into your deepest selves and helps you to connect on a more meaningful and deeper level.

Plan visits There’s something to be said about looking forward to something and how that can build excitement. Plan to visit each other, whether for a short trip just because, or for a special occasion.

You can also use couples counseling to cultivate other ways to stay connected and deepen your relationship. If you’re facing specific challenges, couples counseling can help you overcome them, strengthening your bond and nurturing healthy patterns in your relationship. Contact us today for more information.