Owning and Working Through Your Grieving Process

There are many things in life that we wish were not so, and grief is one of them. Grief sets in after loss, and loss often means pain. The grieving process is not easy, and sometimes it’s more convenient to either deny the reality of the loss and the pain it’s caused or to deal with it in an unhealthy way. Owning and working through your own grieving process allows you to face your situation squarely, offering you a path toward healing and wholeness.

Grief and loss have been an inevitable part of the human experience since the days of Adam and Eve. We form relationships and have habits and patterns that shape our lives. Grief is born from the love and attachment that we form and have for others. We also have these attachments with places, and even certain seasons of life. Losing these results in the process of grief, where we come to terms with the loss.

The Grieving Process

Walking through grief can be a harrowing physical, emotional, and spiritual journey. Grief isn’t easy, and that’s one reason why it can be quite tempting to look for a shortcut through grief. However, taking ownership of your grief is of vital importance to help you heal, grow, and learn to maintain healthy relationships with the Lord, yourself, and others. But what exactly is the grieving process?

Loss comes in many forms and we don’t all define it in the same way. The things that matter to us as individuals will vary, and losing those things will affect us in different ways. However, the more common forms of loss include the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one, a significant change in your health, losing your job, or entering into a new season of life, like retirement or becoming an empty nester.

Grief and the grieving process describe the mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical journey we undertake when we experience loss. Grieving is how you come to terms with the loss, growing in your understanding of its effect on you, and what it means going forward in your life. You don’t ever get over loss in the sense that it no longer affects you. You do get better at carrying the loss and making sense of your life after the loss.

Psychologists and other mental health professionals often describe grief in various stages. These stages include denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance, among others. The talk of stages shouldn’t create the impression that grief is a linear process. It isn’t. One day you might feel fine, then the next feel overwhelmed by anger or deep sadness at the loss.

Grief isn’t linear, and some people have described it as a wave, coming and going in unexpected ways. Some days it pulls your legs out from under you. On others, it’s overwhelming, and some days it may even be manageable. The process of grief is ultimately about working through the different emotions and thoughts loss brings up, and finding ways to keep going nonetheless.

The Necessity of Owning Your Grieving Process

We don’t all grieve over the same things, or in the same way. Grief is deeply personal, as any two given people can experience the same event but grieve in entirely different and maybe even contradictory ways. For one person, making a move to a new city could trigger mourning over lost community, friendships, and familiarity. Losing a job could evoke a long struggle with one’s identity or sense of purpose.

When you recognize the uniqueness of your own and others’ grief, it allows you to be compassionate toward yourself and other people as well. You don’t have to put yourself under pressure to respond the way the next person would. Just create space for you to respond authentically to the loss.

Some people respond to grief by withdrawing or immersing themselves in being busy. Others will cry openly, wrestling with God and Scripture to find answers to difficult questions during deep darkness. There isn’t a correct way to grieve, as the grieving process is as unique as the individual experiencing it.

To move toward healing and wholeness, you need to take ownership of your own grieving process. That could look like recognizing and fully acknowledging the pain you’re in, rather than denying or seeking to minimize it. Grieving could mean giving yourself the space and permission to feel the full weight of the loss. The alternative of hiding your pain or following another person’s timeline for healing can stunt your journey toward feeling whole.

Healthy Ways of Working Through Your Grief

When you take ownership of the grieving process, it can benefit you in several ways. It can allow you, for instance, to invite the Lord and trusted loved ones into your journey toward healing. You also avoid the risks of comparing your path with someone else, as well as gain the ability to set healthy boundaries with others. You can also deal honestly with your emotions and recognize the sorts of things that trigger you about your loss.

While there isn’t such a thing as grieving correctly, there is such a thing as not grieving well. When you avoid or suppress your grief, you’re burying your pain. That pain doesn’t go away, as you might hope. It will fester beneath the surface and then emerge at some point as depression, anger, withdrawal from loved ones, poor physical health, or even being spiritually numb.

When you grieve well, it simply means being honest with yourself about what you’re feeling and allowing the Lord to meet you in that place of grief. It means taking small, faithful steps, being gracious with yourself as you endure the waves of grief that typically come. The Lord can and does comfort us, and His people can comfort us in our distress (Romans 12:15; 2 Corinthians 1:3-7).

Some healthy ways of walking and working through grief include the following:

Reflecting on Scripture and praying

Many Scriptures deal with grief, and that includes the Psalms. You can pour your heart out to the Lord as David and other psalmists did. It helps to reflect on how the Lord comforted them, and how Scripture gives language to lament and cry out to God when there are no easy answers.

Feel what you feel

There are many reasons to justify avoidance. Grief brings complicated emotions. It can be highly inconvenient if you have work or other people who depend on you. It can be uncomfortable. It might go against how you were raised and what you believe is appropriate in a given situation.

This is true, yes, but grief requires you to deal honestly with it. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Let your emotions surface, even if they are inconvenient. There are several outlets you can make use of, whether that’s crying, journaling, speaking to someone you trust about it all, or using art and creativity to express yourself and your grief. Find your safe outlet.

Honor your loss or loved one

Your loss matters, even when it feels like others around don’t care about it. By creating a memorial or a meaningful ritual that allows you to honor what you’ve lost, you create space to cherish shared memories and begin coming to terms with the loss.

Take care of yourself

Self-care and rest are so important because grief can be exhausting, in just about every sense of that word. Grief is disruptive and messy. One way to deal with that is to seek proper sleep, choose healthy meals when you’re tempted to skip eating or eat junk food for comfort, and practice gentle physical activity to help you cope with stress and elevate your mood.

When you’re grieving, you may not want to do any of these things. They may seem trivial or overwhelming. However, they are important for you to pursue for your well-being, and to help you cope with grief.

Seek community and professional support

Other people can be an integral part of your healing. Certainly, the Lord desires us to be in community, and that includes the times of hardship and grief (Romans 12:15, Galatians 6:2). Share what you’re going through with your Bible study group, pastor, a grief support group, or a professional grief counselor.

With help and guidance from others, you can reflect honestly on your loss and work through sorrow with intentionality and wisdom. The grief process may be unique, but you don’t have to walk through it on your own. Reach out to schedule an appointment with another Christian grief counselor or me for guidance on your next steps as you work through your grieving process.