8 Surprising Signs of Healthy Grief

Grief exposes us to experiences and emotions we’ve never had before. For this reason, it can be hard to know if what we’re going through is healthy or a problem. Although we might intellectually struggle with the concept of grief, the good news is that our bodies and nervous systems take over and do what inherently feels protective and safe to do.

This natural autopilot function might take some getting used to, and it’s always good to check in with trusted people about anything that feels concerning. Sometimes it’s helpful to know that we are not doing anything unusual and that the grief we are experiencing is healthy.

A Healthy Grieving Process

Let’s be clear: grief is not simple, nor does it feel good. Grief is a wildly disorienting, exhausting, and sometimes terrifying part of our lives. It can feel like being alone in the dark, having to adjust to a world without sound, color, or sensation.

Underlying every type of grief is adjustment. It’s not the type of adjustment where we are in a new country and we have to learn to drive on the other side of the road. When we grieve, we have to adjust to a life that is missing someone or something that was once pivotal to our existence. It is as if the planet suddenly lost its gravity. The chaos and all the emotions that come with it are legitimately disconcerting.

Not only do we have to make major adjustments to our lives in grief, but we have to do so while going about our daily lives. This means that on one hand, we are experiencing things that we have never experienced before, things that affect our mental state, our physical health, and our emotions.

On the other hand, we have to keep it together as we continue to show up to our job, show up for our spouse or children, and do a dozen ordinary tasks each day that demand more from us than we feel able to give.

In the beginning stages of grief, nothing feels ordinary or particularly healthy. You might start skipping meals or binge eating. You might spend too much time in bed or struggle to sleep at all. You might isolate yourself because that feels like the right thing to do, or you might start snapping at those closest to you because you feel more emotionally tender than ever before. It helps to know that our actions, habits, and behaviors are normal for a grieving person.

For a process that feels inherently awful, it might sound strange to describe it as healthy. Stranger still are the habits and behaviors of a healthy griever. What makes grief healthy is not the positive effects of it (because there are few positive effects of grief), but the fact that you are doing what feels like the right or natural thing to do.

These behaviors and habits might not be healthy at any other time in your life, but the body knows what it needs in grief, and it is healthy to listen to it.

8 Surprising Signs of Healthy Grief

You’re exhausted

Grief demands every part of us, from our physical energy to our mental agility and our emotional tolerance. A significant part of grief is administrative work, as we have to make plans and decisions, some of them being the most important decisions demanded of us, in an instant.

Once this stage is past, we are left with thoughts and feelings that we have to engage with as we continue with life. In grief, your body will let you know that it is utterly spent and needs more rest than at other times. Exhaustion is normal in grief because your nervous system is doing a deeper kind of work than ever before.

You’re numb

One of the first reactions to devastating news is shock. This kind of blank, cold, numbness reappears constantly throughout the grieving process. It is your body’s way of saying, “I am at my limit and I need time to process everything.” Don’t feel bad for feeling nothing at all. You can only feel so much at one time.

You’re anxious

You might never have been a particularly anxious person, but now you’re constantly on edge and can’t sleep. Perhaps you were always prone to anxiety, and now you can’t figure out the threat. Your body has hundreds of ways of recognizing danger so that it can protect you.

In grief, your system might be on a high alert from unseen threats because it realizes something devastating has just happened. This can be a debilitating aspect of grief, but it is a safety feature of your nervous system, and it is completely normal.

You’re angry

Anger is a complex emotion, but we most frequently feel it in response to injustice. There is always an element of injustice in grief because death and loss always feel unfair. Anger is often a kinetic emotion, which means it prepares us to face things; it spurs us to action. If you are feeling angry as you grieve, it is natural and can even be helpful.

You’re keeping busy

Grief feels most intense in the silence and the stillness. You might find yourself staying up late at night to avoid going to bed alone or working over the weekend because life feels less enjoyable now. If your body is keeping you in motion, let it. There will be time to change gears and adjust your habits later. For now, do what feels most important.

You’re avoiding things

People might say that you need to face your grief and engage proactively with the process. “Leaning into grief is healthy,” they will say, causing you to feel guilty or annoyed. The truth is that grief is taxing, and you can only give so much.

We naturally retreat and protect ourselves from the things that would cause us the most emotional damage in grief. If you can’t face anniversaries, photographs, certain emotionally loaded tasks, or dealing with physical items that belonged to your lost loved one, give yourself some time and distance.

You’re more forgetful than usual

Sometimes, brain fog and forgetfulness are your body’s way of saying relax. You will remember what you need to remember, and if you don’t, that is okay. You need a break from mental stress and feelings of being overwhelmed, and this is especially true if your sleep habits have changed. Let yourself be forgetful and don’t worry about details. Your body might be trying to prevent you from becoming overloaded with information.

You have physical symptoms

What many people don’t realize is that grief is a physical experience as much as it is a mental and spiritual one. The aches, pains, twinges, and tensions you feel throughout your body are all a part of the grieving process.

When we go through an experience as profoundly unsettling as grief, it touches every part of our lives, inside and out. You might be alarmed to be experiencing physical sensations along with all of the emotional and mental ones, but that is a natural part of grief. Like the other aspects, it doesn’t feel healthy, but it is normal.

Surrender

In the end, grief cannot be contained or confined for long. If you don’t feel it in your emotions, you will feel it in your body. You might feel immobilized, dysregulated, and out of control, but you can take comfort in the knowledge that your body is doing what it believes is best.

When you learn to swim, you have to overcome the fear of letting go of control. It feels certain that you will drown if you don’t do something, but ironically, it is by doing nothing that you learn to float. Grief is similar. There will come a time when you must begin again to do the things that feel uncomfortable, but for now, the healthiest thing to do is to let your body do what it feels is best.

Find a New Perspective on Grief

Sometimes it helps to talk to someone outside your circle of friends to gain perspective. If you would like to meet with a counselor to discuss any aspect of grief, please reach out to us. We can connect you with someone capable of walking alongside you through the grieving process.