9 Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

It’s not always easy to know when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, even when there is regular conflict. Confrontations and fights are not always a bad thing, because sometimes it’s better to express yourself and deal with the consequences of being a little too honest. However, some people are consistently defensive, manipulative, and skilled at avoiding accountability while making you feel at fault.

If someone defaults to being toxic or emotionally abusive, whether in their daily communication or the way they handle confrontations, it can be hard to call things out. When you can see the signs of emotional abuse in a relationship, you can begin to hold them accountable for this behavior and avoid constantly feeling like the guilty party.

Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

Not everyone who causes conflict or has big emotions in a relationship is emotionally abusive. However, this is exactly how so many truly toxic people get away with using emotionally abusive tactics in a relationship. They tend to know exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to shift focus to avoid being held accountable for having to apologize.

Though you might not realize that your partner is emotionally abusive, you will eventually begin to feel unwell from being made into the antagonist of the narrative they have constructed. It’s also good to know the signs of emotional abuse in a relationship because these are tactics that you could end up falling for and using yourself, if only to escape carrying the unfair share of the blame.

In the context of an intimate relationship, whether romantic or not, some toxicity will inevitably spill out from time to time. Everyone has some degree of darkness and hurt in them, and at some point, it will come to the surface. When we talk about signs of emotional abuse in a relationship, we are talking about consistent patterns of behavior, not occasional tendencies. Here are some of the most common signs of emotional abuse in a relationship:

Constantly playing the victim Some people have never learned that they are allowed to make mistakes and that they can make amends when they do. They are so used to playing the victim that they do it subconsciously, even when they are the perpetrators of injustice or emotional abuse. They frame every situation as one that gave them no choice in how to act, and they are often incredibly convincing.

Many people who play the victim are convinced that they are the victim and will resist accepting another point of view. One of the ways to know if your partner constantly plays the victim is to ask yourself how often you feel like the bad guy, because there can’t be two victims in regular conflict.

Never apologizing Along with constantly playing the victim, emotionally abusive people will never apologize because they are convinced that they have nothing to apologize for. There are different ways of apologizing, whether it is acknowledging your hurt and their part in it, or making efforts to right their wrongs.

Emotionally abusive people will do none of these things but will expect you to do these things for them. When you are with an emotionally abusive partner, you will often feel like their parent, teacher, therapist, or even their boss because of how little responsibility they take for things.

Shifting the focus to avoid accountability Related to these abusive tactics, one of the clear signs of emotional abuse is when people try to cause diversions or distractions in the middle of a confrontation. They do this so that they can avoid being held responsible for harm or taking accountability for any of their actions.

As soon as the topic starts hitting a little too close to home, they will pivot the conversation, shift focus from themselves, or act out in a distracting way to throw you off kilter. When they start gaslighting you as a part of these escape tactics, you might genuinely begin to feel like you have misunderstood the situation and might eventually let them off the hook.

Making excuses or long-winded explanations to avoid apologizing You can often discern a dishonest person by the level of detail their explanations have. Truly innocent people tend not to remember precise details of events, whereas people who have had time to rehearse their excuses will add unnecessary details.

One of the ways that emotionally abusive people avoid being caught in their wrongdoing is to provide elaborate and articulate excuses and explanations to explain their supposedly innocent behavior. It’s best to stop them in their tracks and call them on this tactic before they get a chance to share more of their stories.

Minimizing or dismissing what you say If there is one tactic emotionally abusive people love to use during an argument, it’s minimizing or dismissing your point of view. They might call you over-emotional, hypersensitive, or worse. The sad part is that this tactic is often effective. You are often left feeling hurt and angered by whatever they did to cause the argument in the first place, and stung by their dismissal of your reaction.

Telling you how you should feel Statements like, “You have no right to be upset about this,” or “You really need to get over this,” are emotionally abusive things to say, regardless of context. Even during the times when you might overreact, your feelings were not fake or disingenuous.

A mature partner would observe and react to your emotions, weighing your responses. If your responses were disproportionate, they would help you see it. Trying to tell you how you should feel is a sign of emotional abuse.

Withdrawing and being silent when they are angry Some people go silent and withdraw when they are angry because they are trying to regulate their emotions. They take time and space to process their thoughts and feelings, and to resolve the issue when they are in a calmer and clearer state of mind. This is healthy and mature, but it is not the same reason emotionally abusive people withdraw when they are angry.

Emotionally abusive people use distance and silence as a way to control the situation and manipulate you into making the first move of reconciliation on their terms. They are not trying to regulate their emotions, but are stewing in their anger until it turns bitter.

Accusing you of doing things that they are guilty of doing It often happens in cases of cheating and infidelity where the guilty party accuses the other of the very thing they are doing. Emotionally abusive people are often aware of what they are doing wrong and will try to skew the narrative by projecting their guilt onto you.

As absurd as their accusations can be, it is still hurtful to be accused of things that you have never done. All because they are trying to avoid being found out and having to come clean.

Making everything a personal attack when they are angry In any relationship, there will be times when emotions run high, and things get heated. During these times, it’s not uncommon for people to say things that they will later regret, even if those things were true.

Emotionally abusive people, however, have a habit of cutting right to the core in blunt, harmful ways every time you fight. They do this to catch you off guard and gain an upper hand in the argument, and it is a toxic and emotionally abusive tactic.

Getting Free from Emotional Abuse

It can take time to recognize the signs of emotional abuse, and even longer to figure out what to do next. If your partner is open to taking their share of responsibility and healing, there are options like couples counseling and individual therapy that could help the relationship. However, many emotionally abusive people have no interest in working to fix things, and you might have to start focusing on doing what is best for you to move on.

A big part of healing is in focusing on yourself and discovering what it is you need most in life. It helps to talk things through with someone who has experience and insight into relationships and people, like a counselor. If you would like to find a counselor to talk to, please contact us.