Advice for Newlyweds: Going Beyond the Honeymoon

There’s a verse in Scripture that says, “One who puts on his armor should not boast like one who takes it off.” (1 Kings 20:11, NIV) Admittedly, these words weren’t spoken by any of the regular favorites like David or Moses, but rather by the faithless king Ahab of Israel when he was about to face off against a foreign king. Nonetheless, this is a great piece of advice. It reminds us that boasting ought to happen after the battle is won, and not before.

All this might seem a strange way to begin talking about advice for newlyweds. However, it can be easy for newlyweds, who are at the beginning of their journey together, to feel overconfident that they have this marriage thing down pat.

While confidence is good, it’s important to remember that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. A strong start doesn’t guarantee an effortless journey. A lasting, happy marriage comes from preparation, perseverance, and openness to growth.

Do newlyweds need advice?

Words of advice for newlyweds from others help us to consider where we are in our journey. They can guide our choices so that they are more thought through. No one can anticipate every scenario or solution, so listening to others’ experiences–what worked, and what didn’t – can help newlyweds avoid unnecessary pitfalls.

For newlyweds, as with people in other life circumstances, being open to advice from others is a good move, as “Plans fail for lack of counsel.” (Proverbs 15:22) Of course, when you get that advice, it’s always up to you what you do with it. You and your spouse are ultimately responsible for your marriage and accountable for your actions. It’s up to you to make the best decision with the wisdom available to you.

It is also important to understand that you will make mistakes, even with the best guidance. You might have the best piece of advice available to you, but you might decide that you don’t want to use it, or you might apply it inappropriately. These moments of trial, however, are also opportunities for growth. Nurturing a strong marriage requires learning to adjust, adapt, and improve.

Some Advice for Newlyweds

There is a lot that could be passed along as advice for a newlywed couple. In every area of the new couple’s life, there are life lessons gained from experiences that others have gone through. Some of the advice that could benefit a newly married couple include the following:

Get ready for work

There’s a lot to be said about marriage requiring work. That isn’t sexy, romantic, or easy to hear, but it is true. Dave Willis said, “Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife.”

Part of what this means is learning to die to yourself. This sounds grim, but it refers to the tendency we all have to be committed to ourselves and our way of doing things. There might be your way of making breakfast, maintaining your home, doing the laundry, dealing with money, or raising your kids. In marriage, however, God gives you the opportunity to yield to another person and not always have your way.

Prepare for joy

While marriage can be challenging work, it is also a great joy. Just as we find when we die to ourselves and yield our lives to Christ, we also find that there is extraordinary joy in yielding ourselves to our spouse and being committed to loving each other well. When we willingly give ourselves to another person, that opens the door to deep connection and fulfillment.

Joy in marriage also comes from being vulnerable with each other. Vulnerability means being willing to be honest about who you are, at the risk of rejection. When you drop all pretenses, masks, and deceptions, it is scary but, ultimately, it allows you to experience the freedom of being fully known and loved.

Know the limits of marriage

Marriage is a great joy. However, even the best of gifts only serves to point us to the Giver of gifts. (James 1:17) If we mistake the gift for the giver, we run the risk of idolatry. That’s why it’s important to recognize the limits of marriage, and the fact that your spouse cannot fulfill your deepest longings. Only God can do that. Otherwise, you place an unbearably heavy burden on the other person.

In this regard, the Scottish theologian Sinclair B. Ferguson has said, “We [should not] make the mistake of thinking that marriage will provide the ultimate satisfaction for which we all hunger. To assume so would be to be guilty of blasphemy. Only God satisfies the hungry heart. Marriage is but one of the channels He uses to enable us to taste how deeply satisfying His thirst-quenching grace can be.”

Create rhythms and spaces of connection

It may not seem like it now, but you could easily find yourselves not spending time together and remaining connected. Couples need to be intentional about spending time together because the busyness of life and everything else that demands our time can squeeze out your relationship. Carve out consistent time to keep dating, playing, being intimate, and having fun together.

Reconcile and address conflict in a timely way

Sometimes newlyweds are afraid of expressing their honest opinions because they want to avoid conflict. However, it’s far better to express yourself, have conflict, and resolve that conflict, than to hold your honest opinions and feelings in. Not expressing yourself can lead to a buildup of resentment. That will chip away at your intimacy and relationship.

Conflict, if handled well, can help you draw closer to each other and know how to love each other better. When conflict happens, it exposes differences in opinions and values. Through it, you will discover something about your spouse. You will get to see how and why it matters to them. Moving forward, you have a clearer picture of who they are and how to love them well.

Treasure forgiveness

Kerry van der Vinne’s words are pure gold: “If you are married, or single hoping to marry, remember this: every marriage is comprised of two sinners. The best marriage is one where those sinners are united in their love of God, their commitment to serve one another, and a spirit of humility. Through marriage you can expect to learn how much sacrifice is involved in loving a sinner through all the ups and downs of life: this is a picture of how Christ loves us.”

In a marriage, your spouse is going to sin against you. Sometimes, those sins will be egregious. At other points, they may be small but numerous or constant. Just as you’ve been forgiven and accepted by God, you are to show compassion and be forgiving toward others. The Bible tells us to bear with one another. (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13) That includes your spouse. Treasure forgiveness in your marriage.

Get accountability and mentorship

It’s one thing to receive advice on the internet about how to conduct a marriage, and quite another to receive it from someone you know and respect. Seeing how another couple lives together, how they have built their marriage, worked through conflict, and forgiven one another can be of far greater value for your marriage than seeing words on a screen.

Walking with another couple through life can also help you with accountability. It’s good having another couple in your life who can speak honestly into your lives as a couple.

Consider counseling

Couples counseling isn’t just for when things go off the rails in a relationship. It works well for that, but it’s also a tool for growth that works to give couples tools they can use in everyday life to improve their communication, deepen intimacy, resolve conflicts, set healthy boundaries, and so much more.

Counseling can provide you with space to explore your thoughts and feelings in a guided environment. Investing in counseling early sets a strong foundation for your marriage. Contact our office today to benefit from additional advice for newlyweds and begin building a thriving, joy-filled marriage.