Emotional Abuse: Effects and Solutions

Do you ever wonder if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship? Do painful relationships from the past affect your current relationships with others or even yourself? Often, we can experience emotional abuse in relationships without realizing it, because abusers are skilled at making us feel we are responsible for the blame.

This article will explore the lasting impacts of emotional abuse, offer signs to look out for if you are concerned you are currently in an abusive relationship, and offer suggestions on what to do about it.

If you are visiting this article to gain understanding of patterns in abusive relationships, read on for some helpful insights and examples of what abuse can look like. As always, if you are in any immediate danger or are ever in a life-threatening situation, call 911. Additionally, if you need help and resources, you can call the abuse hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233).

Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

The term “abuse” is used frequently in our culture, which can sometimes water down the meaning of the word. Although everyone has moments where they may be unkind or lose control of their temper in close relationships, abuse is defined as a pattern of behavior intended to cause harm and involves a power dynamic of control over the survivor.

Abusers may even call their victims abusive to further confuse them and regain control in the relationship. Often, abusers do not have the necessary self-awareness to understand their pattern of behavior, and when confronted with it, they will often deny it.

Another common response abusers have when confronted with their behavior is to “love-bomb” their partner after the abusive moment. They may feel sincere and even provide hope for their partner through small changes in behavior and promises to change, but often, it does not last.

Abusers will also often attempt to isolate you from others, whether by exerting control over who you spend your time with or through manipulative statements such as “you don’t care about me if you go see them” or “I’m the only one who would put up with you.”

Gaslighting is a common tactic used by abusers, with statements such as “that never happened” or editing prior unkind statements to seem tamer after the incident. Gaslighting can make you feel like you are out of touch with reality and cause extreme confusion.

It is a strategy that enables the abuser to avoid accountability and remain in power. The goal of gaslighting is to deny previous abusive behavior and attempt to rewrite history, invalidating any complaints you might bring to their attention.

Emotional abusers are skilled at maintaining coercive control through manipulative tactics and hurtful behavior, offering moments of tender compassion that give the victim hope and keep them from leaving. It is these moments that encourage survivors to forgive and reattach – generously giving the abuser the benefit of the doubt and hoping they will change.

You may even blame yourself for the difficult moments during these times. These experiences are referred to as the cycle of abuse, a pattern that creates a web of confusion, betrayal, and hope, that leaves the victim questioning their own motives and what they should do.

The Cycle of Abuse

There are four stages in the cycle of abuse. This outline is a good indicator to reference for validation as you navigate the confusing landscape of an emotionally unsafe relationship and begin to question yourself. As you read through this list, ask yourself if this pattern feels familiar to you, whether in current or past relationships. Remember, this is a guideline; each individual and relationship has its own unique fingerprint that may differ.

Tension Building In this phase, you may sense heightened moodiness or irritability in your partner. You may feel an undercurrent of urgency, tension, or anxiety that you can’t quite name. Though “walking on eggshells” may be something you are used to, it is beginning to feel necessary during this stage. You may be ignoring your own needs, trying extra hard to placate the abuser, keeping them calm and happy to avoid an inevitable outburst.

Incident This is the explosion. It will look different in each relationship. Perhaps your partner loses their temper, throwing objects, yelling, name-calling. They will likely blame you for whatever caused the incident and may attack your character.

They may attack your intelligence: “How can you be so stupid?”; blame you for the incident: “You are always so lazy – this is because of you!”; or attack your mental clarity: “You’re crazy! You need help.” These statements are designed for maximum effect, tearing down your confidence and isolating you from others.

Honeymoon/Reconciliation Phase In this phase, things feel good, maybe even great. The abuser may apologize for their outburst, or they may not. Regardless, they will make efforts to reconnect, often through love-bombing behavior – buying flowers, courting you, making promises to change, complimenting you, and generally showing an interest in you.

It may feel like it did in the beginning of the relationship, during the honeymoon phase. This is the stage that offers the most hope that things will change, luring you back, lowering your guard, and convincing you to let them back in.

Calm Lastly, there is often a phase of calm, where things evened out, for the most part. Victims feel that the abuser may really be changing this time, and they often let hope back in, until the tension-building phase starts anew. One thing to note about this cycle: often the abuse can escalate in severity with each return to the incident phase.

The power and control attained through the incident phase are reinforced, which may increase the frequency or severity of these outbursts. Consider this if you are reflecting on the cycle of abuse in your own relationship, and make sure to keep yourself safe. Decide where your line is and stay committed to it.

Undercurrents of Abuse Outside of the Incident

Although abusers often show their colors in the middle of the incident phase, emotional abusers often have a consistent, low-grade critical disposition as well. You may feel emotionally unsafe and bullied, even in moments when the abuser has control of their temper. Statements such as “It was just a joke,” or “You’re too sensitive,” are examples of the abuser brushing off your experience and excusing unkind behavior through “humor.”

It may feel difficult to make decisions or have important discussions together, and it may begin to feel that you are arranging your life in parallel to theirs rather than living them together, as a team.

Effects of Spiritual Abuse in a Relationship

Spiritual abuse is a unique factor experienced by couples who practice faith. A common example of spiritual abuse in relationships is misrepresenting Bible verses and taking them out of context to exact power and control over women. Abusers often will use Bible verses against women, telling them they are to “submit,” which, in the abuser’s mind, means complying with everything they say and do.

However, abusers disregard the surrounding context of those verses, including the ones asking men to lay down their lives for their spouses. Many people find their relationship with God damaged after an experience with spiritual abuse. Try to detach your abuser’s interpretation of these verses, used for power, manipulation, and control, from the truth behind their meaning, and explore other interpretations of these verses, especially if they are being used against you.

Emotional Abuse Outside of a Romantic Relationship

Most of this article and most content explores the occurrence of abuse in committed, romantic relationships; however, emotional abuse can happen in many settings, and it can be just as damaging to your self-esteem and psychological wellness. Abuse can be found whenever there is a relationship between two or more people.

Parents, siblings, and friends can all attempt to exert control over you, using similar strategies to keep you emotionally dependent on them and confused about your experience with reality. If you feel you might be in an abusive relationship outside of your romantic partnership, you can use the same indicators outlined above to reflect on whether that relationship is healthy to remain involved in.

Effects of Emotional Abuse

We have explored how emotional abuse may show up in a relationship, but what are the effects of such consistent, degrading, and confusing behavior on the survivor? Survivors currently still in abusive relationships often become passive to avoid the recurrence of incidents. They may negate their own needs in efforts to continue placating the abuser, keeping them happy in an attempt to avoid the tension-building and incident phases.

They may also excuse their abuser’s outbursts, attributing them to a hard day or stress on the part of the abuser. Unfortunately, victims of abusive relationships often end up internalizing the abuser’s constant criticism, beginning to believe it really is their fault for the abuser’s controlling and harmful behavior.

It can become harder to leave the relationship the longer someone stays in it, whether due to financial dependence, emotional dependence, isolation, or another reason. Securing safety and reflecting on your experience of the relationship are usually the places to start when you are still in it.

For those who have come through an emotionally abusive relationship, there may be long-lasting effects of the abuser’s behavior, their words lurking in the back of your mind. You may struggle with self-efficacy, wondering if you are competent and able to function without the abuser. You may wonder about your self-worth, if you are lovable for who you are.

These lasting effects can cause challenges with social anxiety, confidence, and boundary setting, to name a few. In the safety of a trusted therapeutic relationship, you can begin to unpack the history of how these personal beliefs developed and explore new ways to relate to yourself.

What should I do if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship?

If you discover that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, don’t keep silent! Abuse thrives in silent isolation, separating you from others who can help and offer an outsider’s perspective to ground you amid mental games. Often, with emotional abuse, people tend to minimize their abuser’s behavior, comparing it to more severe circumstances.

You may be telling yourself, “Well, at least he doesn’t hit me,” or “When things are good, they’re really good!” However, just because your relationship has an absence of physical harm does not negate the reality of living in an abusive relationship, or the effects caused by emotional abuse.

Some studies have discovered that the effects of emotional abuse can be longer-lasting than the effects of physical violence, due to the sensitive nature of attachment and the impact of neglect and unkindness on self-esteem and an individual’s view of their worth. Additionally, you can ask yourself whether, although you may have happy times during the honeymoon and calm phases of the cycle, they always swing back around to negative and toxic behavior.

Every relationship goes through periods of stress and turmoil, and everyone can sometimes lose their temper in an argument. However, if you are experiencing a pervasive, consistent cycle, if you feel unable to have rational conversations, or if you feel consistently bullied by your partner, these are signs you should consider whether your relationship is a safe one.

Can a relationship recover from emotional abuse?

Relationships can recover from abuse; however, it takes both parties and strong accountability on the abuser’s part to change. The abuser needs to find inner motivation to develop different, healthier patterns to manage overstimulation and anger. They should seek individual therapy to explore the causes of their abusive behavior and learn new tools for coping.

If you hope to stay in a relationship that has been marked by a history of abuse, consider your safety and that of any children in the home. Then, consider whether your abuser is ready and willing to seek change and take accountability for his behavior. Although possible, it is a long and challenging road that will require outside support.

Additionally, both the survivor and perpetrator will need to be on the same page about choosing the health and recovery of their relationship. Try not to let false promises lull you into passivity. Additionally, you are not responsible for staying in an abusive relationship even if your partner is attempting to change.

Each situation is unique, with individual factors that contribute to a decision. If you feel your partner may truly want to heal, expect them to change and seek the help they will require; and look for evidence that they are putting in the work. Remember to figure out where your boundary is and stand firm on it.

Conclusion – Healing from Emotional Abuse

Whether you currently find yourself in an emotionally abusive relationship or are seeking to recover from the damage of the past, healing from emotional abuse is possible! Seeking professional mental health treatment is crucial to sort out the details of your story and how they may continue to impact you today.

Your counselor can explore your inner world and offer helpful perspectives grounded in evidence-based practice. Therapy will offer a safe space for you to discover new insights and help you learn tools to develop self-compassion and confidence. If the effects of emotional abuse continue to linger in your life, there is hope! Consider reaching out to our reception team today.