Identifying Codependent Behavior in Your Relationships

There’s a lot of truth in the saying that too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. It’s possible, for instance, to care too much, or to care in ways that are ultimately unhelpful. One of the challenges that can crop up in relationships is codependency, which can damage you as well as affect the other person and your relationship. Codependency can be overcome, and you can establish a healthier dynamic in how you relate to others and yourself.

Defining Codependency

The term “codependency” defines an unhealthy pattern of behavior in relationships. This pattern will largely manifest as enabling another person’s inability to perform at their best and handle their own problems. It goes beyond stepping in now and then to lend a helping hand; instead, it’s a pattern of stepping in to help in such a way that the person who’s being helped doesn’t take responsibility for their own life.

Often, the codependent individual will support the other person in such a way that they can sometimes sacrifice their own well-being and needs for the sake of that other person. A codependent person often has a poorly developed sense of self; they define themselves and feel validated by the fact that they are useful and valued by others around them. This can get them locked into the pattern of helping in ultimately harmful ways.

Identifying Codependent Behavior in Your Life

It’s one thing to define codependency, but it’s quite another to describe what codependent behavior looks like in identifiable ways. Sometimes we have patterns of behavior in our lives that seem innocuous, but on closer inspection, they are quite harmful to us and the people around us. These behaviors can be familiar to us, and they may even feel justified, making it harder to identify them as problematic.

For these and other reasons, it can be challenging to identify codependent behavior in your life and relationships.

Some signs and patterns of codependent behavior that you can look out for include the following:

People-pleasing and sacrificing This includes behaviors like consistently putting your partner’s needs and desires above your own, even when it means sacrificing your own happiness, health, or well-being. Codependency is often signaled by the inability to say “no” and draw boundaries for the things you do or are asked to do, even if they’re unhealthy, unreasonable, or violate your values.

Enabling behavior. If you find yourself consistently swooping to the rescue to get someone out of difficult situations they place themselves in, even if it means sacrificing your needs, that is like codependency at work. This may also include downplaying or making excuses for their unhealthy behavior and shouldering the emotional burden of their problems.

Poor boundaries I mentioned it earlier, but it needs its own space. Apart from being able to say “no”, you need limits to maintain your sense of individuality. If you’re excessively involved in the other person’s life, struggle to maintain your own identity, or feel like you’re being suffocated by their needs and expectations, that could also point to codependency.

Poor boundaries will often result in what’s called enmeshment, where you essentially lose yourself and your distinct identity, needs, opinions, and tastes in the relationship. You may end up feeling responsible for the other person’s emotions or behaviors, and you may find yourself constantly trying to fix their problems or behavior.

Fear of abandonment One of the ways codependency shows up is feelings of intense anxiety when you’re apart. There may also be a deep need for frequent reassurance from the other person that they aren’t leaving you or rejecting you. This fear often results in avoiding conflict, which can generate frustration.

Poor self-care Due to the excessive focus on the other person, the result is often neglect of personal emotional, physical, or mental health needs in favor of focusing on the other person. Not seeing to your own needs may also lead to feeling lost or uncertain about your values, goals, interests, and needs beyond the relationship.

Codependency can flow from and feed into a loss of identity, and an overwhelming preoccupation with the other person and their needs. Codependency can be challenging to identify because it can be masked as a virtue.

While codependency can appear to be deep generosity and selflessness, the emotional burnout, loss of identity, resentment from violating boundaries, and fear suggest that it’s an unhealthy form of self-giving.

How Codependency Affects People and Relationships

Some of this has already been hinted at, but codependency has a lot of negative effects on people as well as relationships. Codependency often flows from factors such as childhood trauma and neglect, low self-esteem, a fear of abandonment, and unhealthy societal or familial expectations. Giving these things free rein in your life can have untold negative consequences in your life.

Some of the effects of codependency on you include being emotionally exhausted from trying to manage the other person’s emotions and meeting their needs without any thought to your own. You may experience a further loss of identity in the relationship and further erode your self-confidence and self-worth. Not taking care of your needs may also lead to physical health issues as well as increased anxiety and stress levels.

For the other person who’s being enabled by the codependent behavior, their unhealthy behaviors won’t be called out, and there’s no real motivation for change. Their dependence on you may rob them of an opportunity for personal growth and taking responsibility for themselves. While accepting the help, they may nonetheless resent you for managing or controlling them.

The relationship itself will also be affected by codependency. Often, a codependent dynamic results in a lack of genuine intimacy in the relationship because it focuses too much on managing emotions and needs. Conflict and resentment may also multiply as both people feel trapped or suffocated by the relationship.

Additionally, a relationship that’s affected by codependency will often become stagnant. As the real issues often go unaddressed because the codependent partner will cover for the other person, there will be complacency and an unwillingness to work through things effectively. In a romantic relationship like a marriage, codependency can result in the destruction of the relationship slowly and from the inside.

These considerations point to codependency being a serious issue in relationships and one that needs to be addressed so that those patterns are broken.

Recovering from and Growing Beyond Codependency

Codependency can wreak havoc in a relationship, and it’s the sort of issue that won’t go away by itself. A codependent dynamic can be present in all kinds of relationships, whether romantic or platonic, between siblings, or in the parent-child bond. The good news is that codependent behavior can be dealt with effectively. Some steps to do this include the following:

Self-awareness Codependent people don’t always recognize their behavior as codependency. They may view it as being selfless, giving, or servant-hearted.

For Christians in particular, it may be hard to distinguish between biblical love and codependent behavior, especially if their understanding of love is watered down and not fully informed by what scripture says about love. The first step is recognizing signs of codependency in yourself and your relationships.

Nurture healthy independence Codependence stems from a poorly developed sense of self and defining yourself by what other people think of you. It’s important to ground your identity in the Lord, and not what people think of you.

You are valuable in the Lord’s eyes because you’re His creation, and not because of what you can do for Him. You can cultivate your own interests, hobbies, and opinions that are independent of others.

Learn healthy communication skills Codependency can lead to having underdeveloped skills such as conflict resolution, or communicating needs, feelings, and boundaries effectively.

Christian Counseling for Codependent Behavior

Consider professional help Whether it’s couples therapy, family therapy, or individual therapy, you can get effective assistance from a professional who specializes in handling codependency and relationships. Your therapist can help you to identify codependent behavior patterns in your life, and they can help you understand where your codependency comes from.

Your counselor or therapist can help you develop healthy practices to counteract the codependent behavior patterns that have taken hold in your life. These include practicing mindfulness, prioritizing self-care more, and pursuing personal growth to establish your own identity.

With help, you can overcome codependency and have a stronger sense of self and healthier relationships. Reach out to our office today to schedule an appointment with one of the counselors or therapists at our location.