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More on What Forgiveness Is Not

Bellevue Christian Counseling
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330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
Photo of Andrew Engstrom

Andrew Engstrom

Mar
2016
01

More on What Forgiveness Is Not

Andrew Engstrom

Individual CounselingRelationship Issues

Article 4-B of the Forgiveness Section of the Positive Psychology Series

My previous article began to explore what forgiveness is not. This article continues this discussion and addresses some common misunderstandings and possible pitfalls for those who are seeking to forgive.

Forgiveness is Not Weakness

To forgive someone does not mean being a pushover, and true forgiveness is anything but an act of acquiescence. Rather, it is an act of power – true power. It means setting aside your instinct of self-preservation and instead choosing a higher moral act – simply because it is the right thing to do. This cannot be done off-handedly and neither can it be coerced. Forgiveness is for your sake and not the other person’s – if you forgive someone to make them feel better, is it really forgiveness? Is it forgiveness if you forgive in order to make a problem disappear, or to appease someone? Doing so will simply build resentment for you, which is the opposite of forgiveness.

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When forgiveness is true, it is an act of strength that frees the heart from resentment and the guilty party from judgment.

Forgiveness is Not the Subversion of Justice

Forgiving someone does not necessarily mean that you must now promote their free pardon from any consequences. In some cases, you will be the only party who can condemn them or press charges and your forgiveness may mean freeing them from those consequences. However, forgiveness is also a complex concept. One may forgive a child for stealing, but it would still be wise for them to face the consequences of their behavior so that they learn an important lesson. Is it merciful to trivialize a transgression that may become someone’s harmful habit? Is it merciful to let a murderer go free? In some cases, the answer may be yes and this shows us that forgiveness is complex. However, it is certainly true that in other cases consequences and justice need to be carried out in concert with forgiveness. They are not mutually exclusive.

Forgiveness is Not a Feeling

This is also an important piece of the forgiveness story. There is no guarantee that forgiveness will bring any particular feeling, such as relief or joy. As with so many spiritual disciplines, positive feelings are a wondrous phenomenon and a lovely gift that often coincide with doing the right thing. Yet, like so many other spiritual disciplines, doing what is right is not contingent on having good feelings. You do not need to feel better toward your transgressor in order to forgive them. You just need to make an effort to act with freedom.

Your acts of forgiveness will hopefully lead to mended relationships, appreciation, and a healing that you can feel. However, even when these positive experiences do accompany your choice to forgive, it may take some time for them to fully manifest themselves. And forgiveness must precede them in order for you to experience them.

To Forgive is Not Necessarily to Reconcile

It is wonderful when forgiveness and reconciliation go hand in hand. In 2 Corinthians 5:18-19, the Word of God commands us to seek reconciliation as a full-time occupation:

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the ministry of reconciliation.

Nevertheless, forgiveness and reconciliation are distinct concepts. There will be many times when every forgiver must experience that reconciliation – the healing or creation of a relational bond – is not possible.

The important proviso here is to ensure that forgiveness comes from the same heart as the desire for reconciliation. If you are not willing to meet your transgressor in their desire to reconcile with you, then  did you truly forgive? In some cases this is a matter of safety, and reconciling with each other might be unsafe. However, where there is mutual relationship, “forgiveness” is cheap if you are not willing to reconcile, and forgiveness could simply be a legalistic attempt to be in the right without having to risk your heart in trust through actual forgiveness. We should always seek to reconcile. But we should not expect reconciliation to always accompany forgiveness.

Christian Counseling to Tap into the Power of Forgiveness

If you would like to engage in Christian counseling from a strengths-based perspective, please contact me to inquire about setting up an initial session in order to explore how counseling might fit with your journey and perhaps assist you in the matter of forgiveness. It is my pleasure to join with clients and help them to see the ways in which they have already overcome in life, and how God has uniquely shaped them both to do great things and to experience joy and goodness in their lives and relationships.

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE

The information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please contact one of our counselors for further information.

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Andrew Engstrom

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
(425) 354-5472 andrewe@seattlechristiancounseling.com

Helping couples heal their relationships by first better understanding themselves is what I do as a Christian counselor. I offer you support and insight for overcoming obstacles that stand in the way of forming lasting, fulfilling relationships with others and God. Whether you’re looking for marriage or premarital counseling, together we will strive to learn more about yourself, how you affect others, and how they affect you. With this knowledge, you can learn how to make healthy choices that will help you grow in all the relationships in your life. Read more articles by Andrew »

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About Andrew

Photo of Andrew Engstrom

Andrew Engstrom, MS, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Helping couples heal their relationships by first better understanding themselves is what I do as a Christian counselor. I offer you support and insight for overcoming obstacles that stand in the way of forming lasting, fulfilling relationships with others and God. Whether you’re looking for marriage or premarital counseling, together we will strive to learn more about yourself, how you affect others, and how they affect you. With this knowledge, you can learn how to make healthy choices that will help you grow in all the relationships in your life. View Andrew's Profile

Recent articles by Andrew

  • Apr 17 · How to Build Behavior and Emotional Awareness in Relationships
  • Apr 11 · Common Problems in Relationships: Lack of Body Awareness
  • Feb 24 · Creating Safety in Relationships: Crucial Conversations in Couples Therapy
See all articles by Andrew »

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