Relationship Depression: 11 Red Flags and How to Cope

Relationship depression is a term used to describe depression that develops as a result of a problematic relationship. It is not a formal medical diagnosis.

Often cyclical in nature, it tends to create a loop in which the relationship problems that trigger the depression aggravate the depressed person’s symptoms. This increases the disconnect between them and their partner, creating frustration or resentment. It further damages their relationship dynamics through conflicts caused by a lack of communication and misunderstandings.

Relationships and Mental Health

Studies show that there is a close link between mental health and the quality of your relationships. Strong, supportive relationships, for instance, provide comfort, security, emotional support, and connection. This can give your mood a boost, help you maintain a positive outlook on life, and have a beneficial impact on your overall mental well-being.

Toxic or abusive relationships, on the other hand, can lead you to question your self-worth. They can also cause you to feel stressed, anxious, or depressed. Negative thinking patterns can arise that may contribute to or activate an underlying mental health struggle.

Because of this interconnectedness, any relationship can become strained by the symptoms of depression. It begins as the depressed person starts to withdraw from his or her partner and seems to lose interest in the things they used to enjoy doing together. Communication deteriorates, which can be misinterpreted as rejection and falling out of love. The depression is causing him or her to struggle to connect and making even simple interactions feel exhausting.

Possible Causes of Relationship Depression

There is no one definitive cause of relationship depression, but contributing factors can include a range of issues. Some possible examples include:

• A spouse’s infidelity
• Having your trust betrayed by your spouse
• Physical or emotional abuse
• Being consistently disappointed by the person you thought you could rely on
• Communication breakdowns that cause you to feel misunderstood or emotionally disconnected
• Unresolved conflicts that keep piling up
• Financial stress
• Mismatched expectations about roles and responsibilities in the relationship

Common Red Flags of Relationship Depression

Relationship depression tends to sink in gradually over time, and you may not notice the subtle changes in your thoughts and behavior patterns. If left unrecognized and unaddressed, however, it can impact every area of your life. It can interfere with your ability to interact with others in a healthy way and even impair your capacity to engage in your day-to-day responsibilities.

Common red flags that should not be ignored include:

Persistent sadness You may experience persistent sadness and frequent tears without knowing why.

Negative outlook You may feel helpless and hopeless, unable to see anything in a positive light, believe life isn’t worth living, and/or have thoughts of death or suicide.

Low self-esteem You may believe that you are a failure, worthless, unlovable, or a burden, and therefore pull away from the other person rather than express your needs or ask for help.

Emotional withdrawal You withdraw from the other person, stop sharing your thoughts and feelings with him or her, avoid eye contact, and are less responsive to his or her needs.

Irritability You may experience mood swings and increased irritability, becoming easily annoyed or frustrated, and snapping at seemingly small things.

Loss of intimacy You experience reduced feelings of affection toward your partner, a decline in physical intimacy, and avoidance of sexual contact.

Physical symptoms You may feel physically or mentally exhausted; experience changes in your sleeping and eating patterns, such as trouble sleeping or sleeping more than usual, or loss of appetite or binge eating; gastrointestinal problems; loss of sexual desire; and unexplained aches or pains.

Impaired communication You have trouble thinking clearly, struggle to articulate your feelings, feel disconnected from the other person, are reluctant to discuss important issues, and your relationship is full of conflict, misunderstandings, and arguments.

Dulling of your emotions You may feel emotionally numb; struggle to connect or express love and affection toward your partner; and feel indifferent to what he or she does or feels.

Loss of interest in things you used to do together Things you and the other person used to enjoy doing together may seem meaningless, and you may find yourself losing interest in doing them.

Distorted perceptions You may, for instance, mistakenly believe your relationship is the cause of your feelings of emptiness and depression, that it has lost its significance, and/or feel trapped or suffocated by it.

Practical Steps to Help You Cope with Relationship Depression

Journal Journaling about your feelings helps you identify and process them, get them out of your head and onto paper, and be able to identify your triggers.

Prioritize self-care Prioritize your health and well-being by getting enough sleep, eating balanced, nutritious meals, staying hydrated, getting some form of regular exercise, and setting healthy boundaries.

Stop listening to the negative Start talking to yourself instead of listening to your negative self-talk. Reject it and replace it with more realistic, positive statements that edify, encourage, and lift you up.

Communicate with your partner Even if you feel too tired to talk, ashamed, or undeserving of anything good, make an effort to have an open, honest conversation with your partner. Talk about your thoughts, feelings, and the symptoms and sensations you are experiencing, so he or she can understand what you are going through. This will help them know how to help and support you.

Avoid isolating Instead of pulling away and isolating, make an effort to connect with your partner, even if it’s just in simple ways such as taking a walk together.

Turn your focus onto God Take your eyes off your present circumstances and focus instead on the truths in God’s Word and on His steadfast, everlasting love for you.

Consider counseling Counseling provides a safe, nonjudgmental space where you can learn to identify and process your feelings and relationship concerns under the guidance of a trained mental health professional. They can also help you determine whether your depression really is being caused by your relationship, or by something else going on in your life.

How To Help and Support a Depressed Partner

Get informed Learning as much as you can about depression and its symptoms can help you better identify and understand what your partner is struggling with, identify the signs, and not take his or her behavior personally.

Talk about it Instead of ignoring the issue, talk to your partner about what you are seeing without being critical or judgmental. Ask what he or she is feeling, and offer encouragement and validation.

Be patient and empathetic Be patient and empathetic toward your partner and offer a listening ear. Let them know that you love and support them, and be a safe place to turn for validation and understanding. Make sure they know you won’t be dismissive of their feelings.

Work together as a team Ask your partner what you can do and what changes you can make to help him or her deal with his or her symptoms. Let them know that you are there for them and suggest working as a team to identify stressors and triggers together, and brainstorm ways they can cope with them when they arise.

Encourage professional help Encourage your partner to pursue counseling, and offer to go with them.

To learn more or address relationship depression in your life, counseling can help. If you would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in our online directory, please call the office.