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Relationship Styles and the Psychological Effects of Abandonment by Mothers

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330 112th Ave NE, Suite 302
BELLEVUE, WA 98004
United States
Photo of Barney Armstrong

Barney Armstrong

Aug
2016
09

Relationship Styles and the Psychological Effects of Abandonment by Mothers

Barney Armstrong

Individual CounselingMen's IssuesRelationship Issues

Part 2 of a 2-Part Men’s Issues – Abandonment by Mothers Series

BARNEA-20160804-16247139792_3fe1f8ebc6_kFor a boy, abandonment by his mother has psychological effects that only become apparent when he is a man. In my previous article, I discussed the beginnings of abandonment and explained why it is so formative for an infant, toddler, or young boy. In this second article, I discuss what you one may notice when that boy becomes a man. There may be some relational styles that seem overdone or inappropriate. These may seem very unfair, and yet the man remains oblivious to them, even when they are pointed out to him.

In his book Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw lists some categories of relational styles that may not sense until you see them in the light of the shame that happened to the little boy.

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Relational Styles that Cover Over One’s Shame

There are many ways that a child learns to deal with the shame that comes from abandonment. Some of these may only be noticeable to the trained eye of a therapist. Nevertheless, Bradshaw lists styles of relating that you may notice in a grown man. If you do, ask yourself whether they are actually attempts to “put on a face” of shamelessness for that inner hurt little boy who was abandoned and left to conclude that he is are shame worthy.

Perfectionism

One learns perfectionism when one is valued only for one’s performance. And a perfectionist doesn’t know how good is good enough.

AnxietyJudgmentalism and Moralizing

These are “…ways to win a victory over the spiritual competition. Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous or one up. Such a feeling is a powerful mood alteration and can become highly addictive.”

Contempt

“The self of the other is completely rejected.” The authoritativeness of his caretaker has led him to condemn himself. And, in this internal economy, others are condemned according to the same standards.

Patronizing

By supporting or protecting someone who does not invite it, you ensure that your help makes you one-up on them.

Care-Taking and Helping

This is often seen in families, and in reality, they are not really taking care of each other but are rather catering to their own feelings. This provides them with a way of feeling good about themselves and distracts them from their own sense of inadequacy.

BARNEA-201608004-WalkPeople Pleasing and Being Nice

If people are so nice to you that you have no vote, then you cannot possibly reject them. This is stifling, does not allow the other person to grow, and disallows any honest feedback. In fact, the other person does not participate in the relationship and may as well be a cardboard cut-out.

Envy

Bradshaw notes that “the expressions of envy can range from out-and-out disparagement to subtle innuendo … [this] makes envy so mysterious … [it] takes forms that are impossible to recognize.” Envy stems from the belief that I can only be accepted on the basis of something outside of myself because my “self” is shamed and not OK.

Christian Counseling for Men with Abandonment Issues

Many people have one or more of these traits to some degree. However, if they seem extreme it would be wise to enlist the aid of a Christian counselor who can help you to understand the roots of the style that you are seeing. If a man has abandonment issues, then having someone guide him as he traces the feelings that prompt his behavior, and takes on new beliefs about his worth, can open up avenues for changing his style of relating to others. It is especially helpful to have someone who can see how the Scriptures apply to your situation, and who can assure you of a future and a hope that is based on reality.

Concepts taken from Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw

Photos
 “A Man’s Sorrow,” courtesy of Catface27,   Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); “A Young Man’s Anxiety,” courtesy of Caitlin Regan, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY 2.0); 
“Walk,” courtesy of Antonio Foncubierta, Flickr CreativeCommons (CC BY-SA 2.0)

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE

The information, including but not limited to, text, graphics, images and other material contained on this article are for informational purposes only. No material on this site is intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please contact one of our counselors for further information.

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Barney Armstrong

Licensed Counselor
(206) 701-9144 barneya@bellevuechristiancounseling.com

Life should be more than just pain and trials. Though they can serve a purpose, I believe that God has much more in store for you. My hope is to help you discover the wonderful joys and strength that lie beneath the pain and trauma you might be facing. Through Christ, we can conquer fear and find freedom, healing, and purpose. Whatever challenges you face, I offer you a safe place for you to discover all that God can do for your life. Read more articles by Barney »

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About Barney

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Barney Armstrong, MA, LMHC

Licensed Counselor

Life should be more than just pain and trials. Though they can serve a purpose, I believe that God has much more in store for you. My hope is to help you discover the wonderful joys and strength that lie beneath the pain and trauma you might be facing. Through Christ, we can conquer fear and find freedom, healing, and purpose. Whatever challenges you face, I offer you a safe place for you to discover all that God can do for your life. View Barney's Profile

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