The Positive and Negative Impacts of a Friendship Breakup

A friendship breakup can be one of the most devastating things you will ever go through, more intense even than a romantic breakup. A close friend provides a safe place and an emotional foundation to your life. They know more intimate details about you than even family members and have seen certain sides of you that even spouses have not.

Society only acknowledges how difficult it is to break up with a romantic partner. Until it happens to them, people will overlook the unique kind of heartbreak you feel during a friendship breakup.

Sometimes friendship breakups happen in slow motion, over a period of years. It doesn’t hurt any less, and it is hard to categorize the pain. It is like a dull ache in your heart, and you feel destabilized, anxious, and sad whenever you remember them and the connection you once shared.

This is a different kind of grief because at any point, you could reach out to them and try to bridge the gap. However, you intuitively know that the friendship will never be what it once was, and that it would be easier to move on without them than try to rekindle that connection.

However, sometimes a friendship breakup is for the best. It is possible, and occasionally necessary, to call a time-out on a friendship. We all have a capacity for how much we can take and how much we are willing to invest in someone else’s life. Certain friendships can draw too much from you, or limit you in ways you wouldn’t have imagined. Rather than ghosting them or growing to resent them, it is better to confront the situation and cut the cord.

A Unique Kind of Grief

When you get involved in a romantic relationship, in the back of your mind, there is always a possibility that it might not work out. You simply don’t do that with a friend, though. Every close friendship becomes a safe place where you can drop your guard and fully be yourself.

Close friends become an integral part of your life in a way that a romantic partner never could. These are things you might take for granted, but losing them in a friendship breakup is one of the worst shocks you will ever experience.

Unfortunately, society doesn’t recognize the legitimacy of a friendship breakup. As a result, there are few structures in place to support a person going through one. This adds to the grief. Ironically, the one person you would have shared the pain with before is the one causing you the pain now. Regardless of how long they were a part of your life, you will feel their absence intensely.

Legitimate Reasons for a Friendship Breakup

A friendship breakup is not always a personal thing, though. It’s not always about drama, bad behavior, or hurt feelings. It is perfectly reasonable to break up with a friend because you are hurt, drained, or affected by something they’re doing or failing to do.

People often hold onto unhealthy friendships out of a sense of loyalty or because they don’t know how to let them go. It’s easier to break up with a romantic partner because there are multiple examples of how to do that in every piece of media you consume. How and why does a person break up with a friend, though?

Moving in different directions

Both literal and figurative proximity matter in friendships. Some of the deepest connections with people are elastic, and they stretch across time, distance, and change. These friendships remain secure and important regardless of when you last saw each other or what path you’re currently on. They are rare connections, though. Many friendships fall away simply because you are on different timelines in life.

It’s not unusual for certain friendships to fade in relevance over time. It still hurts when you look back and remember how involved you were in each other’s lives, and what the friendship once meant to you. You might even still have deep affection for them.

If needed, you can let go of friendships like these so that you can both focus on the path ahead, especially when they go in different directions. You can keep your affection for each other as a memory without lingering resentment.

Changing values

Regardless of our ability to adapt to change, it is all around us constantly. Many people go through coming-of-age chapters like school, young adulthood, careers, marriage, children, and middle age. However, others don’t experience these moments in the same way or at the same time. Even when our lives sync with our friends, we might find ourselves holding different values from the ones we used to have.

People like to say “agree to disagree” regarding core values and principles, and this is a civil attitude to take. This attitude does not make for a solid foundation for a lasting friendship, however.

As much as it can feel like a rug-pull when a close friend changes their outlook or personal values, it is an ordinary part of life. Whether your values no longer align or if they are now in opposition with each other, you can’t expect to maintain a friendship with the same depth and intensity as before.

Lopsided involvement

A recent study showed that a casual friendship will develop naturally after having spent 70 hours together. A close friendship requires over 200 hours together. Some people connect because their energy matches or because they have similarities. However, like a garden, a friendship develops not just over time, but with effort and intention. Most plants die when they are not watered, fertilized, or kept in ideal conditions.

Some people put in minimal effort. They only speak when spoken to, never remember important details, and offer nothing of themselves unless asked. You might hang onto people like this because they are family members, or because you’ve known each other for decades.

When you evaluate the value of the connection, though, you realize that you are giving far more than they are. Perhaps the resources you are investing in this particular friendship could be better used elsewhere.

The Mature Way of Handling a Friendship Breakup

If given the choice of being confronted with the reasons a friendship isn’t working anymore or slowly being phased out of a friend’s life, many people would prefer the latter. It requires less work, but there are good reasons for being direct when going through a friendship breakup.

Firstly, it’s better to know the reason why someone is distancing themselves from you. Without that, you will draw your own conclusions, which could lead to feeling bitter, resentful, wounded, victimized, and even vengeful. It is better to clear up doubt than to be left with questions, regrets, and resentment.

Next, there might be something that you both need to confront, and having a frank conversation about it is the only way to do that. Not everyone thrives with direct communication, but it is an opportunity to grow, not only in being assertive but also in taking accountability. Perhaps you need to hear your friend’s side of the story about your own behavior. It’s uncomfortable but necessary for growth.

Lastly, it gives you a rare opportunity to find closure. Breakups are hard enough to deal with when you’ve seen it coming for some time. On the other hand, some breakups are so sudden that they leave you reeling. Many people believe that they are not obligated to end a friendship formally. When you are open and honest with your friend about wanting to move on from the relationship, it honors both of you and provides closure.

If you are going through a friendship breakup, you might benefit from counseling. Perhaps you need some help in confronting a friendship that is holding you back or hurting you. We can connect you with a counselor who will help. Please consult our online catalog or contact our reception team for more information.