What are the Different Types of Boundaries and How Do I Implement Them?

What exactly is a boundary, and why are they important? A boundary is a spoken or written representation of a limit or restriction one imposes on others. A person conceptualizes a boundary based on their internal feelings based on lived experiences. For example, if a person does not like loud noises because of their childhood experiences, that person can tell people around him or her to speak more softly.

While boundaries play a crucial role in relationships, society frequently misappropriates them or weaponizes them for selfish reasons. This is mainly demonstrated in the form of a person implementing a boundary and making their relationship conditional based on the other person’s cooperation with the boundary. While others have the right to say no to an expressed boundary, making relationships conditional on this can be inadvertently manipulative in nature.

This is most commonly seen in marriages where one spouse will implement a boundary on their significant other, and the spouse does not immediately comply with it, the other spouse denies them emotional connection, physical intimacy, etc. There is a delicate art to identifying a boundary and enforcing it to protect oneself.

Types of Boundaries

Emotional Boundaries These boundaries are used to protect vulnerability around one’s thoughts, beliefs, values, and feelings. The key to understanding vulnerability with emotions is understanding when and how to be vulnerable with others around you.

For example, you may not share every personal detail about a challenge you’re going through with your partner with your supervisor. Understanding the dynamics of your relationships with others will dictate how vulnerable you should be. This protects your emotional vulnerability, which can easily be manipulated if not protected.

Physical Boundaries This boundary type extends to privacy, physical space, and the body. Further exploring physical boundaries includes physical intimacy (i.e., sexuality) and non-sexual physical encounters.

For instance, think of a social situation where you’re meeting someone new and that person is accustomed to hugging as a greeting; however, you don’t feel comfortable making that physical connection. Your boundary would be as simple as expressing a need to only shake hands for your own comfort. This boundary also extends to every individual’s desire for autonomy and a sense of privacy among themselves.

Verbal Boundaries This boundary type focuses on enforcing protective boundaries around how you speak with others and how others speak with you. In addition, this boundary extends to what you feel comfortable discussing with others.

For example, you’re conversing with someone who uses a lot of profanity in their conversations, but this derogatory language makes you feel incredibly uncomfortable. A boundary can be as simple as saying, “Hey, I hear you’re enthusiastic about this conversation, and could you please use less profanity?” Acknowledging the other person and being assertive with your boundaries are essential to your comfort.

Implementation of Boundaries

This skill is incredibly imperative and often eludes most people when attempting to implement their boundaries, or their boundaries go unspoken altogether. The first step is to identify the boundary and whether the boundary is permeable or rigid.

A permeable boundary is one that has some flexibility and can be rearranged if necessary, whereas a rigid boundary has no flexibility and will not be rearranged. Examples of permeable boundaries include negotiating tasks on a job or family vacations, where you may not necessarily feel comfortable doing something, and are willing to be flexible to a certain extent.

Examples of rigid boundaries include not wanting to hear about other religions in any context or refraining from going somewhere or participating in a particular activity.

Once the boundary type (i.e., permeable vs. rigid) has been identified, align the boundary with any emotions you have around the boundary. Asking yourself, “Why is this boundary so important to me? What does it mean to me? Why am I needing to implement this?” These questions are essential to understanding what you’re trying to protect and what your limits are.

Once all of these components have been identified, implement the boundary. This is the delicate art that often comes with skepticism and/or fear. Doubting the implementation of a boundary will land with your desired outcome frequently keeps people from enforcing their boundaries with others.

Fear may stem from not wanting to make someone upset, uncomfortable, etc. This mentality is crucial to overcome because it minimizes your boundary, which puts you into the bracket of feeling uncomfortable yourself or feeling a need to avoid certain things/situations/people rather than confronting the issue directly.

Additionally, it is imperative to accept the reality that you cannot control how other people perceive your boundaries, and attempting to maneuver around their feelings will lead to anxiety. Being assertive while accepting that people will have their own reactions to your boundaries is important for your boundaries to be implemented successfully. Therefore, assess why you’re struggling to implement the boundaries and what is more important to you.

Spirituality and Boundaries

Does the Bible discuss boundaries, and if so, what does it say? Several books in the Bible discuss boundaries, including Proverbs 25:17, 2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Thessalonians 5:21-22, and Deuteronomy 19:14. However, one of the greatest examples is found in Matthew 5:37: “Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no, anything other than is from the evil one.” Spiritual boundaries are mostly exemplified through our trials and tribulations.

Life will continuously present you with pathways that can be either spiritually uplifting or pull you away from faith. This is seen in Christian circles through social influences, types of shows/movies you watch, or music you listen to, addictions, and weaponizing the Bible to enforce moral superiority over others. So what do you do if you’re a Christian and you’re at a party and someone offers you the opportunity to be unfaithful to your spouse?

Marriage in itself is a boundary between a man and a woman that requires each other to be faithful. This physical and emotional boundary extends to not committing adultery. Now, let’s take another look at the example mentioned above. What would you do in that situation? Too easy? You would automatically say no?

Unfortunately, many Christians succumb to this, and in the last thirty years, there have been increasing numbers of pastors being unfaithful to their marriages. So, going back to Matthew 5:37, implementing a yes or no is as simple as that; it either is or is not.

Other examples of boundaries within spirituality are seen in marriages where one person has faith and the other does not. How does this impact their interpretation of the world, mutual parenting, or even what they deem as healthy and unhealthy?

A significant example of this is seen in the usage of pornography. For many Christian women, pornography is seen as a form of adultery and often has a rigid boundary around their husbands regarding the use of pornography. So, what do men do with this boundary? Often, men struggle with this boundary because the majority of men wrongly conceptualize pornography as a form of self-gratification, as opposed to lustful eyes and acting according to the flesh.

This leads to men either secretly using pornography, which creates additional challenges and issues, or blatantly disregarding the boundary, which creates contention in their marriage. As a Christian, the Bible is a manuscript or instruction guide of how to live a Christ-centered life, which means denying one’s flesh for a greater purpose.

Next Steps

First, identify the boundaries and what type they are (i.e., permeable or rigid). Second, be honest with yourself because without that, you cannot be honest with others. Third, identify barriers to implementing your boundaries with others. Fourth, sometimes making hard decisions to honor your boundaries is required to do so with grace and diligence. Lastly, ask for help when you need it and seek counseling if necessary; you owe it to yourself.