What Causes Sex Addiction? A Sexual Addiction Counselor’s Perspective

By Chris Chandler, MA, LMHC, CSAT-C, Seattle Christian Counseling

References “Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction” by Patrick Carnes, Ph. D.

Sex addiction is not quite like substance addiction. Substance addiction involves an inability to moderate your intake of a chemical. You cannot stop at one drink. Sex addiction is different because it involves a fundamentally flawed understanding about human relationships. Humans may be curious about drugs, but they do not innately crave them. Excepting a specific few, all people experience sexual urges. Sexuality is a critical element of how we form relationships. And, unlike substances, it is not enough to resolve to avoid places it might be. People are everywhere.

What causes sex addiction?

Most sex addicts are sexually abused as children. Parents teach their children how to approach relationships. When a parent introduces sex to that relationship, the child assumes all relationships have to be sexual. (59) This is what sets sex addiction apart from substance addiction. Alcoholism is not necessarily a fundamentally skewed approach to alcohol, rather a physical inability to drink in moderation. Sexual addiction arises from a psychological misunderstanding of how to develop relationships in a healthy, appropriate way.

Carnes lists four factors in a child’s development that contribute to developing a sexual addiction (97):

1. “Self-image–how children perceive themselves”
2. “Relationships–how children perceive their relationships with others”
3. “Needs–how children perceive their own needs”
4. “Sexuality–how children perceive their own sexual feelings and needs”

 

Abandonment and addiction

Carnes uses the example of a boy who lived in an all-male boarding house run by two women. The women punished the boy by beating him on his genitals. Other men in the house would “soothe” him by sexually stimulating him until he fell asleep. Carnes says two key elements of this experience that make it likely to lead to sexual addiction are that the “sexual experience is both humiliating and comforting” and “the reality of the child is denied when the child’s accounts of abuse are not taken seriously.” Basically, the child’s correct understanding of what is proper behavior is denied, so he is encouraged to believe his sexual experience is appropriate. (98-99)

However, Carnes says the most important factor is a feeling of abandonment. This is common in all addictions.

“As a child matures, there begins a search for what is dependable–something that you can trust to make you feel better. When a child’s exploration of sexuality goes beyond discovery to routine self-comforting because of the lack of human care, there is potential for addiction. Sex becomes confused with comforting and nurturing. Moreover, the assumption is made that everyone else feels and acts the same. Therefore, to feel secure means to be sexual.” (101-102)

Sex addicts use sex to self-medicate this feeling of abandonment. But, it will never be enough. You must realize, as David did when he took refuge in the cave from Saul (1 Sam. 22), that God is the only one who can rescue you from this almost certain route to destruction. “Look and see, there is no one at my right hand; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life. I cry to you, Lord; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’” (Psalm 142:4-5 NIV)

The world of the sex addict

While not all addicts are sexually compulsive growing up, they all can identify childhood contributing factors to their inappropriate sexual behavior. They may not have been blatantly sexually abused, but the fundamental self-doubt and unwillingness to trust others are there. (107) This drives some addicts to start young. Others may not become sexually compulsive until adulthood as a response to stress and anxiety. (108)

Sex addicts share three common beliefs about the world: that they are not worthwhile human beings, if people truly knew them they would abandon them, and that sex is their most important need. They cope with their pain through sex. They cannot rely on people to be there for them, but they can rely on sex to feel good. (16) Their refusal to depend on others often leads them to keep people at arm’s length.

Sex addicts struggle to keep relationships non-sexual. As mentioned earlier, their formative lessons about relationships were that they included sex. They don’t know any different. (103)

Christian counseling for sexual addiction

Like any other addiction, sexual addicts eventually need more novel and powerful experiences to get the same high. This can lead to embarrassing crimes such as peeping, and heinous tragedies like rape. As Paul counseled Timothy, chasing full-speed after secular satisfaction is a dangerous pursuit. The following passage speaks explicitly about material wealth, but can be applied to anything people use fill the Christ-sized hole in their hearts. “Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.” (I Tim 6:9 NIV)

If your sexual behavior has caused you to injure yourself or has involved unwilling or unknowing participants, consider getting in touch with a professional Christian counselor. If you want to change, there is hope for recovery. A professional Christian counselor will use therapeutic techniques and the compassion of the Gospel to help you bring your thought-life and behavior in line with what God wants for his children.

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