Marriage Problems: 4 Principles For Handling Conflict

Marriage problems arise due to several issues, and many factors at play give rise to a sense that the relationship is deteriorating rather than being built up. When a couple notices that things are going wrong, they would do well to seek some marriage counseling to uncover the root causes and establish some healthy habits for moving past them toward a strengthened union.

These issues can cause conflict, which in and of itself needs to be handled carefully so that what should be a productive conversation doesn’t erupt into negativity and destructive communication. It is also important to remember that conflict is inevitable in every marriage – just because you disagree with your partner does not mean that you have married the wrong person or that your relationship is doomed to fail.

When we first meet someone and date them, we might feel like we are similar in many ways, and ‘on the same page’. The reality, however, is that two people coming together with different backgrounds, desires, habits, personalities, and priorities will always lead to some incongruity.

How the disagreement is dealt with will determine whether the difference leads to the relationship being strengthened through the disagreement, or whether it will continue to be a source of increased tension.

Consider these four critical principles for handling marriage problems leading to conflict:

Focus on the positive

Psychology shows that the more we concentrate on the things that we appreciate about another person, the more appreciative we become of each other; it’s like an upward cycle that expands. Even if you disagree vehemently with your partner on something (or many things), choose to build a daily habit of focusing on their positive attributes. This will help you to exercise self-control in not just dwelling on your marriage problems but rather creating a loving environment.

No marriage can thrive without encouragement and respect, and by homing in on the good, you will find that the areas of conflict are minimized, without you even having to deal with them.

The opposite, of course, is also true – allow yourself to be drawn to negativity (which is not difficult for us as sinners, constantly aware of other people’s faults and ignorant of our own) and you will find your mate instinctively becomes equally critical and a downward spiral of discouragement will ensue.

A good practice to get into, especially if you find your marriage experiencing a lot of conflict, is to write down six things that you appreciate about your spouse. Try to be specific, thanking them for what they do and expressing appreciation for who they are.

Look in particular for things that you may have come to take for granted. For example, “Thank you for always taking out the trash without me having to ask”; “I love the way you tell a joke, it always makes everyone laugh”; “I appreciate the morning cup of coffee you brought me today”; “I enjoy it so much when you take time out of your busy schedule for us to go for a walk together”, etc.

Don’t try to change each other

A key principle for effectively resolving marriage problems that lead to conflict is to recognize that differences are a good thing. It might take some time to understand and accept the different ways in which your partner approaches life but try to not impose your own views on them; rather embrace that God has made each individual uniquely, with varying temperament, personality, upbringing, and values.

Many couples find that their weaknesses and strengths complement each other, and if brought together harmoniously, they can enable a flourishing partnership. All too often, however, we get caught up in trying to change various aspects of our spouse.

Certain habits, such as poor punctuality, can, of course, be improved on, but know from the outset that it is essentially impossible to change anyone unless they internalize the issue and decide to take steps toward improvement themselves.

Bear in mind Matthew 7:3,5 which says, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye, and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?…first take the plank out of your own eye and then you’ll see clearly to remove the speck from the other person’s eye.”

Try to maintain an honest appraisal of your shortcomings while keeping your sense of humor about certain preferences that your spouse has that are different from yours.

You could even chart your differences, with regards to things like punctuality (cutting it fine versus always on time) and money (spender versus saver) and your preferences on a variety of issues from clothes (casual/formal) and holidays (adventure/rest) to tidiness (neat freak/relaxed) and sleeping (night owl/early bird).

Seek a joint solution

There are many tried-and-tested methods to ensure a healthy conflict. The hard part, of course, is exercising self-control to stick to them in the heat of the moment.

If you find that your marriage problems are erupting in angry outbursts and fights, perhaps it would be helpful to write out a manifesto for “how we handle conflict.” You could stick it up somewhere visible, and when you find yourselves going down that road, you can refer to the guidelines and try to stop the negative trajectory.

The key principle is to recognize that there are bad times to discuss issues that you disagree on. The 10 o’clock rule, for example, can be used to ensure you do not argue late in the evening when you are likely tired and only going to be more tired the next morning if the conflict continues without resolution. By calling the 10 o’clock rule into play, you can pause the disagreement and postpone it until a better time.

The first practical step to leading to a joint, happy outcome from a conflict is to focus on the issue at hand, rather than attacking each other. This means moving the issue from between you to putting it in front of you.

Secondly, avoid labeling (“You always” or “You never”) but rather use “I” statements to describe your feelings on a matter. This removes the element of making the other person feel defensive.

Thirdly, be sure to truly listen to each other. This means taking turns to talk, without any interruptions. This can take some time to get right, and we might be surprised how often we fail to hear our spouse out, without trying to muscle in with our own opinion.

The fourth step is to brainstorm possible solutions to the issue together, making a list if necessary. Then finally, it’s about deciding on the best solution out of those discussed. You can conclude that it is a solution ‘for now’ and can be reviewed at a later stage, to leave the conversation with some flexibility.

Support your partner

All too often, our marriage problems are a result of us having expectations that our partners will meet all our needs. With this high, unrealistic expectation, we inevitably fail each other and get hurt, causing the marriage to spiral downwards.

A better approach, and indeed God’s view for the institution, is to focus rather on trying to meet your partner’s needs, rather than expecting them to meet yours. This is more easily done when we rely on God to meet our needs for unconditional love, as with God at the center of a marriage, one’s perspective will be more other-person-focused.

To become more supportive of your partner, pray for them every day, asking them to share their prayer requests so that you know what they are concerned about. If one of you has upset the other, apologize and forgive each other before praying.

God has a magnificent plan and purpose for our relationship with our spouse. He brought two sinners together, knowing that they would have marriage problems, and gave them tools in His Word to work through them. Most importantly, He says that He is the third strand in our marriages, so He is a vital part of the union itself. And, as Ecclesiastes 4:12 says: “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”

For more assistance on conflict resolution in your marriage, contact our offices today. We will connect you to a faith-based professional in our office who would love to help you strengthen your marriage.