The Ways Insecure Attachment Is Affecting Your Relationships

Some people seem to glide effortlessly through life, using all of their resources to advance. Yet when it comes to relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic, or professional, they just don’t seem to be as naturally successful. Others wonder how a mature and accomplished person can also struggle so much with others. The answer is that perhaps they have an insecure attachment style.

Attachment theory states that you learn everything about trusting others from the first relationship you ever have: the one with your primary caregiver. If your caregiver was frequently absent or an inconsistent part of your life, you likely developed an insecure attachment style.

You learned that people are untrustworthy when it comes to meeting your emotional needs, and this began the roller coaster of a journey you have had with others ever since. The good news is that you can change; the bad news is that it doesn’t happen overnight.

Secure Versus Insecure Attachment

Some people had an unlimited supply of care and attention from their primary caregivers. They learned to communicate their needs effortlessly and had those needs met, within reason. Based on the consistent care from the most important people in their lives, they learned that others are trustworthy and that close, loving relationships are necessary for their well-being.

Now, as adults, they are straightforward in their communication, do not shy away from conflict, tension, or confrontation, and readily provide intimacy, assurance, and affection to their loved ones. This is what it is like to have a secure attachment style.

Insecure attachment, on the other hand, comes in three distinct types: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Anxious people need constant reassurance and are uncomfortable with any kind of distance or perceived change in the relationship. Avoidant people are self-sufficient and difficult to get to know. Disorganized people are a mix between the two; they want closeness but fear intimacy, and so send constant mixed signals in relationships and friendships.

If you have an insecure attachment style, it does not mean that you are bad at relationships or that you will never be fulfilled in love. However, it does mean that all of your connections will face some kind of strain until you begin to work on your insecure attachment.

You might have developed a habit of self-sabotage in relationships, or perhaps you frequently allow your insecurity to become paranoia that strangles the life out of your connections. Your attachment style has provided the template for relationships, which you must now update with new information.

The Anxious Crowd

At their most intense, people with anxious attachment come across as needy, clingy, and possessive. The core belief of anxious attachment says, “Unless I keep a firm hold on this relationship, it will be lost.” For this reason, they tend to become overly preoccupied with the relationship, often centering it in their life. At the same time, hobbies, interests, responsibilities, and friends take a back seat, at least in the early stages.

If you have an anxious attachment style, you need constant reassurance and clarity of where you stand with your loved ones. You tend to sense when things have changed or shifted, even when those changes are subtle.

You hear the differences in voice intonations, and you can read a person’s mood just from a glance. You are easily distressed over distance, whether that is time away for business, your partner needing some time alone, or even the distance of an unanswered text message. You also tend to place your partner on a pedestal while at the same time putting yourself down.

As someone with anxious attachment, you must learn to sit with discomfort. Distance and silence are not a threat. You cannot learn to swim until you can learn to float, and you cannot float until you relax. This applies to all of your relationships. Reduce your efforts and see what happens.

The Avoiders

People with avoidant attachment have a voice that tells them, “The only way to avoid being abandoned is never to become attached.” They are the opposite of the anxious attachers. Rather than controlling the relationship from within, they control it from the outside by using distance and detachment.

People spend months with you before realizing that they know nothing about you. You hold all of your cards close to your chest, revealing only the most mundane details about yourself to those who are interested in knowing more. You are a master of distraction and deflection, and you use them in combination to avoid confrontation.

People have a wonderful time with you, but just as they begin to understand what you’re about, you’re gone in a puff of emotionally avoidant smoke. It appears that the only thing you truly love is your independence and freedom.

Emotional reliance is not a weakness, and deep down, avoidant people know that. You know that you will feel unfulfilled until you let that guard down low enough for someone to enter into your personal space. Avoidant people need to learn the thrill of taking a risk and letting someone in. Self-reliance has taken you far in life, but it is no substitute for intimacy.

The Back and Forth of Disorganized Attachment

Lastly, insecure attachment is sometimes disorganized. This is where you swing between being anxious and being avoidant. You want intimacy, and you realize that you need it, but you still distrust people, and you’re afraid of being abandoned. At the heart of disorganized attachment is a voice that whispers, “I know I need others, but I can’t fully trust them.”

If you have a disorganized attachment style, you have learned to let your guard down, but doing so still brings fear. You enjoy moments of intimacy and friendship with others, but feel self-conscious and exposed afterwards. This leads you to retreat for a bit to regulate your emotions. From their perspective, they see you finally opening up, only for you to disappear from their lives for a while again.

It’s hard to get close to someone who constantly blows hot and cold, so it’s not surprising if they begin to put their guard up around you. If they began to distance themselves from you, it would likely inspire another erratic response from you, where you either lean in anxiously or pull away from them entirely.

The good news about having a disorganized attachment style is that you are in motion and not static. Both anxious and avoidant people are relatively fixed in their insecure attachment. For how chaotic and unpredictable the disorganized people can be, the fact that they are in motion is positive because it means that they are trying. To become stable, you must learn that emotional authenticity is safe, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Helpful Reminders

Learning about attachment theory can feel a little like looking in a mirror and only seeing your flaws. It’s not intended to be that way, though. Regardless of your past experiences, mistakes, or poor choices, you are still as worthy of love and friendship as anyone. You are not stuck in life until you have given up. It takes effort to make a change, but you are worth the effort, and so is every future relationship you will have.

Moving from insecure attachment to secure attachment takes time, and most importantly, you cannot do it alone. You cannot fix yourself to become a better version of yourself before getting into a relationship. You can only be yourself, with all of your flaws and shortcomings, and experience the risk and joy of having someone delight in you, in spite of them. That’s how you will learn to trust again.

It’s not easy to correct years of behavior alone, but it becomes easier with counseling and therapy. If you would like to begin meeting with a counselor, we can help. You may find someone in the online catalogue we host, or you may ask a member of our reception team to help connect you with one.