Uncovering Signs of Abandonment Trauma

Everyone has experienced abandonment at some point in their life. Whether it happened in a series of childhood experiences or whether it was an impactful event that took place later in our lives, abandonment trauma is something that shapes us and affects our future relationships. It’s not always obvious that we are being affected by abandonment trauma and it can take time and insight to uncover the signs of it in our adult lives.

Connecting the Dots

When a word like “trauma” becomes as widely used as it is today, it can lead to a lot of confusion about what constitutes actual trauma. Many people wouldn’t consider the events they’ve been through, whether in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood, as traumatic.

As the saying goes, though, “The proof of the pudding is in the eating.” As we begin to face some of our adult struggles around intimacy and relationships, we might find that we were deeply affected by a past event, even if at the time it didn’t seem like a big deal.

Trauma is not necessarily an earth-shattering event that causes obvious destruction. Trauma can be a single experience from childhood that affected us and shaped our beliefs.

For example, the common event of a child being lost for hours in a busy mall could be enough to affect that child throughout their teen years and well into adulthood. A single event like this can teach us that we can get lost easily, that our caretakers are imperfect, and that the world is big and scary without them.

As we begin working on ourselves as adults, we realize that we have to understand our past to figure out our present. In other words, we have to look back to go forward. People are like iceberg. There is only ever a small percentage of us visible, but there is far more to us below the surface. We can examine the parts of us that are above the surface, but we will have to dive below to find out more about ourselves.

Uncovering Signs of Abandonment Trauma

Like most types of trauma, abandonment trauma is subjective and complex. We can consider some of the most common signs of how abandonment trauma is affecting us, but it will be something different for each person. The following are some common indicators of abandonment trauma, but it is always worth talking with a therapist or counselor to uncover your own experiences.

You have trust issues

When we experience a sudden physical injury, like stubbing our toe against the furniture, our instinctive reaction is to cradle the damaged body part and try to avoid walking too close to the furniture from that moment on. Emotional pain, such as being rejected by a loved one or neglected by a parent, leads to us similarly protecting ourselves. We tend to identify the cause of our pain and try to avoid it.

Trust and intimacy are scary things because they require that we risk our feelings with someone capable of causing us more hurt. The flipside, however, is that we remain in our protective cocoon, always desiring connection deep down, but never venturing too far from our comfort zone to get it. Abandonment trauma often leads to loneliness because we are too afraid to trust anyone again.

You stay in unhealthy, codependent relationships

Occasionally we will find someone who feels completely safe to be with. This is not necessarily a romantic partner but might be a friend, family member, or even work colleague that we develop a strong attachment to. Sometimes these kinds of connections can be healthy for us, but more often than not we are drawn to people who have similar hang-ups to ours.

Rather than face more rejection or abandonment, we cling to these connections, sometimes becoming jealous and possessive of them. Codependence is a perversion of true intimacy. These kinds of connections often feel vital, safe, and harmless, but when two people have a trauma bond, no healing can come of it. Rather than filling the void, these kinds of connections tend to hold us back from risking, growing, and forming healthier intimacy.

You avoid situations where you may face rejection

We face rejection from so many places in life, besides romantic connections. For example, many people have experienced an emotionally crippling kind of rejection after having been laid off from a dream job. The shame, fear, and indignity of being unemployed makes for a toxic mix of trauma and can result in us becoming withdrawn from any major event in which we might have to face rejection.

You can be abusive

When therapists say, “Hurt people hurt people,” they are summarizing trauma responses in an overly simplified way. The truth is that when we have experienced the pain of abandonment, neglect, or traumatic loss, we might not know how to deal with it besides taking it out on others. This can look like harassment, bullying behavior, or other types of abuse.

There are many videos online of animal rescuers trying to save a trapped pet from a dangerous situation. The animal is often so traumatized that it uses claws, teeth, or whatever other survival instinct it has on its rescuers.

People can be similar. Some of us have developed harmful survival instincts that we take out on anyone who gets close enough to us to trigger a fear response. It is possible to heal from damaging responses and behavior like this, but we first need to admit our problems and take accountability for our actions.

You tend to sabotage your relationships and friendships

Almost everyone craves genuine intimacy, even when they can’t trust people, or maybe especially when they can’t trust people. We yearn to know that the connection we have with this person that we like will stand the test of time, and possibly stand the test of our complexities.

We might put a lot of stress on the connection, like being flaky, unreliable, and withdrawing unexpectedly, without explanation. What we are trying to do with these harmful actions is to see to what lengths our loved one will go to keep the connection intact. It’s not unlike someone banging a wooden chair against the ground to see how sturdy it is.

Finding Healing

We are not doomed to a life of complicated relationships and loneliness simply because we are damaged in a certain way. It is possible to heal from abandonment trauma and learn to trust people for the first time, though it might not be an easy journey. The tricky part of any healing is learning to let go of the harmful coping mechanisms and beliefs we have built up around our trauma.

Healing from abandonment trauma requires patience, self-compassion, and energy to look into our pasts and learn from them. That can be an emotionally exhausting journey that is almost impossible to take alone.

Our first major step of trust might be confiding in a counselor or therapist about our past experiences and current struggles. Much of adult life is about finally facing all of the things we have been dreading and discovering in the process that it wasn’t as bad as we were anticipating

If you or someone you know is dealing with abandonment trauma, there is help to be found. The healing journey is as simple to start as contacting our office, either by phone call or email. When we have established what kind of help you were hoping to find, we will connect you with a counselor who can walk with you. Healing, trust, and connections take time. If you are patient with yourself, you will make longer strides on the journey to wholeness.