Teen Counseling: Why Self-Compassion is Healthier than Self-Esteem

It’s often said that life is hard. I think it’s safe to say that the adolescent years are among the hardest. Teens experience emotional difficulties, academic stress, changing family relationships, peer pressure, challenging friendships, loneliness, physical and hormonal changes, and concerns about appearance and body image, to name just a few.

In addition to our love, guidance, and understanding, teens need to be taught effective strategies and tools to navigate these challenges effectively. Building positive self-esteem has long been an indisputable requirement for healthy childhood development and adolescent mental health with few counter voices advocating for the possibility of a slightly different approach.

Today research suggests that self-compassion may offer a healthier and more constructive alternative for children and teenagers’ mental health and emotional well-being.

Understanding self-esteem.

On the surface, building children’s self-esteem makes sense. A healthy self-concept is necessary for human development, mental health, and well-being. However, the problem with self-esteem lies in its frailty, especially due to the ways we have been trying to help children develop it.

When building children’s and teens’ self-esteem, too often the focus is on praise for and recognition of their achievements and abilities. But what happens when, often through no fault of their own, they’re unable to perform up to their previous level or that of their peers or siblings?

Most likely this wasn’t the intention of developmental psychologists who started studying self-esteem over a century ago, but in practice, in our schools, homes, and sports fields, this has become the reality and our understanding of how to build positive self-esteem.

Too often building self-esteem hinges on inflating egos by external validation, comparison to others, social approval, performance, academic achievements, or physical appearance. When teenagers base their self-worth mainly on these external factors, they are more vulnerable to unpredictable fluctuations in their self-esteem and sense of self.

This can lead to perfectionism, fear of failure, and a cycle of highs and lows, during which small setbacks or criticisms can drastically affect a teen’s self-esteem. These cycles cause unnecessary stress and potentially low self-worth, and over time, possible anxiety or depression.

Research has shown that the constant pursuit of higher self-esteem in children and teens can lead to bullying; kids and teens with lower self-esteem may bully others in an attempt to feel better about themselves or prove to others that they’re worthy or special because they don’t feel it internally.

Some researchers have gone as far as to hypothesize that the focus on self-esteem, achievement, and the rise of social media have combined to create a generation of narcissists. Whether or not that is the case, we now know that the quest for self-esteem certainly has its pitfalls.

Understanding self-compassion.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, supports long-term emotional well-being and is more stable and sustainable, according to Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist and professor of psychology, a pioneer in the research and study of self-compassion, as well as the benefits of self-compassion in the adolescent population.

She explains that self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness and empathy, just as we would treat a close friend, even (or perhaps especially) when we mess up, which we all inevitably do. Through her research, Dr. Neff has determined that self-compassion encompasses three main elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self-kindness.

Self-compassion encourages us to be gentle and understanding with ourselves, especially during difficult times, when we make mistakes or don’t live up to our expectations. Instead of harsh self-criticism, or “beating themselves up,” teens can learn to comfort themselves and acknowledge that it’s okay to make mistakes, treating themselves with empathy and kindness, much like they would treat a loved one or friend.

Common humanity.

This element of self-compassion reminds teenagers that they are not alone in their struggles and that everyone experiences them. Focusing on our common humanity helps teens understand that we all face challenges, experience pain, and make mistakes.

When teens are struggling, they often view their struggles as unique to themselves and believe that those around them somehow live perfect, or at least much less difficult, lives. This can make them feel isolated and consequently much worse. Realizing that difficulties, setbacks, and pain are all part of being human helps teens feel less alone and reduces feelings of being less than enough.

Mindfulness.

Mindfulness involves being present in the moment with our thoughts and feelings, even when they’re uncomfortable, without judging or trying to suppress them. By identifying their difficult feelings and experiences, but not placing judgment on them, teens learn to observe their difficulties without blame or shame.

This helps them separate themselves from their negative thoughts or difficult emotions and resist the temptation to ruminate about them or, conversely, stuff them to avoid the pain or discomfort.

The science behind self-compassion.

Since Dr. Neff began studying self-compassion more than twenty years ago, many other researchers have joined the field, with over six hundred studies focusing on it. This research has shown that increased self-compassion improves the overall well-being, not only of adults but children and teenagers, as well.

Studies regarding adolescents and self-compassion have shown links between increased self-compassion and reduced anxiety and depression symptoms, more stability with fewer highs and lows than self-esteem, increased feelings of well-being and satisfaction with life, and decreased reliance on external factors, such as achievements, appearance, and performance.

Other studies have linked self-compassion with decreased negative self-talk and increased resilience, indicating that teens with higher levels of self-compassion can more easily bounce back following setbacks and mistakes, as well as being less likely to be overwhelmed and influenced by difficult emotions.

By practicing self-compassion, teens can break the negative cycle of self-criticism, decrease anxiety and depression symptoms, and be better equipped to face the challenges of the roller coaster years of adolescence.

Why self-compassion is healthier than self-esteem.

Increased resilience.

Self-compassion helps teens become more resilient, helping them bounce back after difficult experiences. When teenagers face setbacks or failures, as they often do, self-compassion encourages them to view these experiences as opportunities for growth rather than as reflections of their self-worth.

Reduced perfectionism.

The pursuit of self-esteem often leads to perfectionism, as teens may feel the need to constantly prove themselves to maintain their self-worth. Self-compassion, on the other hand, isn’t based on achievement, so promotes a more realistic and forgiving attitude toward one’s imperfections and understanding that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes.

Less social comparison.

The origin of the phrase, “comparison is the thief of joy” has been debated, but the wisdom of it rarely has. We all fall prey to comparison, but adolescents, in particular, are incredibly susceptible to social comparison, which negatively impacts self-esteem and robs them of joy and contentment.

Social media has made social comparison more pervasive than ever. Self-compassion encourages teens to recognize that everyone has flaws and insecurities, as well as strengths and talents, reducing the need to constantly compare themselves to their peers and influencers.

Stronger relationships.

When teenagers practice self-compassion, they tend to be more understanding and forgiving in their relationships with others, extending compassion to their peers, as they’ve learned to offer it to themselves, cultivating healthier and more supportive friendships. When peer relationships become strained, self-compassion can help teens weather the storm, knowing that they’re worthy of friendship and love.

Improved Mental Health.

By offering themselves kindness and understanding, teens can learn self-acceptance, whether they’ve scored the winning goal that clenched the championship or missed the free throw that ended their team’s season in defeat.

Self-compassion doesn’t end disappointment and heartache, but it provides a buffer, calming self-criticism and reducing dependence on performance to maintain self-esteem, increasing feelings of self-worth, and improving mental health.

Teaching Teens to be Self-Compassionate

Dr. Neff warns that “teaching self-compassion” to children and teens kind of “misses the point,” because teaching it in a traditional sense is “just one more thing they have to learn to do.” Instead, she guides parents to be aware of their own self-talk and focus on being self-compassionate themselves because children and teens will internalize that behavior more readily than if they are “taught” to be self-compassionate.

In addition, when we model empathy and compassion for our sometimes-challenging teenagers, we remind them that they are worthy of love and respect. Although teaching self-compassion in the traditional sense of teaching lessons is a challenge, there are strategies that parents, teachers, and counselors can use to help teens develop self-compassion:

Model self-compassion.

To teach self-compassion, adults must lead by example and demonstrate self-compassion personally. When teens see their parents and caregivers practicing self-compassion, they are more likely to adopt it for themselves. Dr. Neff points out that emotions are shared, and children learn more about emotions from their parents’ emotions than they learn from their parents’ words.

Encourage mindfulness practices.

Talk to teens about mindfulness techniques, offering tools like breathing exercises and grounding exercises, both of which can be easily found with a quick internet search or those terms.

Mindfulness and meditation apps like “Insight Timer” and “How We Feel,” are free apps that offer content that can help teens stay grounded, in the moment, and become more aware of their thoughts and feelings without judging them or judging themselves.

Promote self-kindness.

Encourage teens to treat themselves with the same kindness, compassion, and empathy they would offer to a friend or loved one. Gently remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes and that by allowing themselves to take risks, they will learn more from their failures than they will from their successes. Let them know that self-criticism is hurtful and is almost like having their own internal bully and can be just as damaging.

Normalize struggles.

Without minimizing your teen’s experiences, remind them that everyone faces challenges and difficulties. By normalizing their struggles, and at the same time recognizing and empathizing with their feelings, you help reduce feelings of isolation and self-blame.

Seek professional help.

If your teen is struggling with low self-worth, self-criticism, perfectionism, or other mental health issues, teen counseling can help them navigate these challenges and not only survive adolescence but thrive. Seek the help of a qualified mental health professional who works with teens. The teen counselors in our office would welcome the opportunity to help your teen thrive.

Modeling these life skills and behaviors by adopting them in our own lives is the best way to teach them to our children, students, and clients.

Self-compassion and grace.

As Christians, some of us may believe that self-criticism isn’t all bad. Perhaps, we may think to ourselves, self-criticism keeps us on the straight and narrow, while focusing on self-compassion may allow us to forgo accountability. However, self-criticism can be another form of unintended self-absorption.

When we focus on our failures and weaknesses, we are less able to focus on others and accept the grace that God so freely grants us. When we are self-compassionate, we don’t ignore our failures and weaknesses; we accept that we are human, and in our brokenness, we can learn, grow, and strive to be better, all the while accepting the grace that we have already been given.

As Christian adults, modeling compassion and self-compassion for the children and teens in our lives is another way to share our faith and help them to better understand and accept God’s grace, as well.

Self-compassion for the journey.

As teens journey through adolescence, fostering self-compassion can provide them with a more stable and resilient foundation for emotional well-being than simply building their self-esteem.

While the pursuit of higher self-esteem often hinges on external validation and can lead teens to perfectionism and social comparison, self-compassion encourages self-kindness, resilience, a more realistic perspective on one’s flaws and imperfections, and the grace to accept oneself as they are.

If your teenager is struggling and needs more help than you’re able to provide, consider teen counseling. The counselors at our office are trained to listen, support your teen, and provide strategies to increase their self-compassion and help them achieve improved mental health and well-being.

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with me or one of the other counselors in our office who treat adolescents, please don’t hesitate to reach out and give us a call today.