Dealing with Shame and Feeling Alone

At one point in our lives, we’ve all grappled with the profound experience of loneliness. That feeling of isolation that we call loneliness may have been connected to feelings of shame. There is an enormous difference between solitude and feeling alone, or loneliness.

Solitude is when you choose to be alone, which can be a source of strength and reflection. Loneliness is when you desire social connection with others, but for one reason or another don’t get it. Loneliness often leaves us feeling disconnected and alone in our struggles. Loneliness hurts, and it can happen even when we are surrounded by people.

At times, it is our feelings of shame that can cause us to feel lonely and isolated from others. In other situations, we can feel ashamed about our loneliness. We lived in a largely coupled-up world. If you’re the only person in your circle of friends who doesn’t have a romantic partner, you can feel incredibly isolated. You may also feel a sense of shame about this aspect of your life that you may have no control over.

People crave a sense of belonging. We desire the feeling of being connected to others around us. We are inherently deeply relational beings, thriving on connection with others in a meaningful way, and we want to be seen, heard, and understood within our relationships. This yearning for connection is universal, and when it goes unmet, the pain of loneliness can be profound.

Some Causes of Loneliness and Shame

Loneliness can take a physical and emotional toll on a person. Feeling isolated from others can have the effect of increasing stress levels, triggering anxiety and depression, and increasing the risk of heart disease and stroke. Isolation can happen regardless of one’s age, and it can happen for any number of reasons, including being ill or otherwise incapacitated. It can happen because you’re away from home and in an unfamiliar place.

Loneliness can occur when you are grieving the loss of a loved one. These experiences can be extremely painful, leaving you feeling disconnected socially from others. At other times, the people around you may not feel close enough to connect to. You might feel that they won’t understand you and your experiences, and that too can leave you feeling isolated.

We feel shame for several reasons. The Oxford Dictionary defines shame as, “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Shame is how we feel when we know we’ve done something we shouldn’t have. When we feel this way, it’s easy for us to feel like the people around us are judging us for what we’ve done.

Another way to understand shame is how author and speaker Brené Brown once defined it. She understood shame as, “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection,” Understood this way, shame is something that can leave you feeling disconnected from others because you feel unworthy.

Abuse can lead to feelings of shame, making you feel unworthy of connection with others. The humiliation you feel can isolate you. In this way, shame can isolate you and plunge you into deep loneliness. In those moments is when we need connection the most, and to be reassured that we matter and are valued despite our flaws and experiences.

Tackling Shame and Loneliness

When you’ve experienced something that leads to feelings of shame and isolation, it can be a heavy weight around your heart and mind. When we are disconnected from others, it can more easily allow cognitive distortions to overtake us, leading us to imbibe untrue and unhelpful thoughts about ourselves. If your feelings of isolation aren’t connected to feelings of shame, it is nonetheless important to address this.

Some of the ways to address feelings of shame and loneliness, whether they are connected or not, include the following:

Recognize the need for connection

Human connection is a need. Don’t act as though you don’t want or need human connection, as that can lead you away from seeking a healthy resolution to what you’re feeling. It may hurt to acknowledge that you need others in the moment when you most keenly feel their absence, but it does no good to act as if it’s otherwise.

Don’t be afraid to reach out for connection

Taking the first step to reach out to connect with another person can be scary. You may fear being judged, misunderstood, or hurt further. However, it’s important to reach out for connection. It may be toward a friend, through video chats if you can’t meet in person, or calling to meet for coffee.

You can also reach out for connections through online or in-person communities. You can connect with people that have similar hobbies, or through peer support meetings, such as grief support groups. You can use dating apps if you’re looking for a romantic connection or use social media to find others discussing topics that you find interesting. Petting or caring for an animal can also help you feel connected.

Get out into nature

There’s nothing quite like taking a step outside your four walls to just be outside, where there are trees, birds, and other human beings. Being outside, especially if you combine that with trying new things or taking a different route on a walk, allows you to potentially meet new people. Even if you don’t, the fresh air will do you some good.

Be of help to others

Feelings of isolation can draw you inward. That is not necessarily a terrible thing, because we do need time to connect with ourselves. However, at times we need to look outside ourselves and at others. Volunteering to help other people just might be the thing that can help you overcome feelings of loneliness and even the thought that you don’t belong.

You can find a cause that you’re passionate about and then look for ways to get involved. There are options like helping to feed unhoused people, taking care of animals that are in a shelter, or volunteering to assist in caring for young babies through foster care, for instance. Alternatively, you can help an elderly neighbor with any chores with which they may need help.

There is profound meaning in being present for others and serving them. The key to life is to love God with everything we have and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. (Matthew 22:34-40) Serving others and loving them doesn’t mean you neglect self-care. Rather, we need to recognize the value there is in living lives open to others in service.

Get creative

Doing something creative that engages your senses and your mind, like writing, cooking, painting, or decorating a room in your home, can be a meaningful distraction when you need it. Creative endeavors will absorb you, and it can be helpful to take your mind off things, if only for a short while.

Take care of yourself

Self-care, whether in the form of taking a relaxing bath, going for a run, avoiding alcohol and drugs as forms of self-medicating, or simply practicing mindfulness can help reduce the stress levels that often accompany loneliness. Taking care of yourself also includes being compassionate toward yourself and practicing self-acceptance.

Embrace the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ

Being a Christian means accepting and living in light of a profound truth – the gospel of Jesus Christ. The late author and pastor Tim Keller wrote, “The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”

This is a deep truth that can help us overcome our shame because God has accepted and loved us through Jesus. We are never truly alone because God’s Spirit dwells in His children and groans with them amid their trials. (Romans 8)

Seek help

Feeling lonely, particularly when that loneliness is connected to shame, can be a challenge. It can feel overwhelming, as unhelpful, and untrue thoughts run rampant in your mind. Walking with another person will help you overcome many hardships. (Ecclesiastes 4:7-12) Reach out and speak with a Christian counselor.

Call us for help

If you are ready for help with shame and loneliness, call us today. We can connect you to a trained, Christian therapist from our directory. Your counselor can support your needs, unpack your feelings and experiences of loneliness or shame, and journey with you toward self-acceptance and a healthy and satisfying social life.

Feelings of shame and isolation won’t last forever. Reach out and speak to someone who will help you cope and love who God made you to be.