Spar and Surrender: Releasing Trauma, Anxiety and the Codependent Attempt to Control

Surrender can seem scary, especially in those places where we don’t know the details. The unknown past presents unanswered questions. The mysterious present can stir unrest. The nebulous future holds hope, but we can’t always pinpoint or control how the good that God plans for His beloved will unfold, especially as regards trauma.

The unseen and unknown can present frustration and a measure of anxiety when we rely on our human intellect and understanding to advance and accelerate us through life’s courses.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. – Proverbs 3:5, ESV

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Trauma has skewed our internal compass, hijacked communication in existing relationships with those we know and love, and polluted opportunities for connection with those we would like to know better. Though we may have no present reason to fear for our safety, a trauma history that is shaped by pain and supported by anxiety and codependency fractures what relationships need to thrive.

In codependency, the past entraps us, making us feel as if we must control the details and people in our lives. It may not be intentional, but often the trauma of being abandoned or abused can color the lens through which we see ourselves and others. It can seem as if there is no safe space to harbor our hearts and no way of escape from dysfunctional cycles.

Unpacking trauma of the past

Our personal history has familiarized us with the ways that trauma, codependency, and anxiety plague mental and emotional states. Intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and nightmares offer subtle and overt attempts to control our lives and the people in them. This can lead us back to places of the past and unresolved pain.

Our perception fields actual and perceived threats, and mixes with good and even godly intentions, often impacting the world in our heads through a negative filter. Anxiety infiltrates our sense of well-being as thoughts and emotions persuade us that certain settings or situations are unsafe, though danger may not necessarily be imminent.

Occasionally, the protective nature of our senses may accurately steer us from harm, but often lingering hurt forces us to shut out those who may represent safety and welcoming support.

Trauma recycles trust issues, keeping us gridlocked in what won’t change until we become aware and interrupt it. We don’t have to remain loyal or entrapped by toxic perspectives that depend on dysfunction to drive the rhythms of our relationships. While we need to exercise discernment in forming and nurturing connections, we must recognize that suspicion is rooted in fear.

The Spirit of God not only wants to console and counsel us but also guides us into places and with people with whom we can grow and thrive. The Holy Spirit unites Christ’s Body, teaching us how to trust, even as we partner with Him to receive healing expressed through our connections.

Understanding the present trauma

When we are embattled by unresolved trauma, codependency, and anxiety, we often carry that into relationships where ordinary interactions occasionally transform into explosions. The landscape of life post-trauma is peppered with landmines that detonate without provocation.

This is apparent when miscommunication and blurred boundaries trigger us, rewinding to past incidents when we experienced and processed an event that traumatized us. Though we may have suffered at the hands of people, they are not the source of our problems.

There is a real enemy at work, in the spirits that perpetuate patterns of dysfunction. Our adversary seeks to preoccupy us with our pain and others’ faults such that we continue to injure ourselves with faulty narratives that separate and divide instead of uniting us by the Spirit of God.

A familiar, though faulty principle advises people to keep “friends close and enemies closer,” but the misguided notion in that statement perpetuates pain instead of resolving it. Instead of recognizing the healing found in our Redeemer, trauma persuades us to recycle toxicity versus seeking the healthier, but often temporarily harder solutions.

Instead of pursuing understanding with others, we spar and wrestle, becoming reactive and sometimes combative in our communication. Marred, past abuses mask our ability to discern God’s care and concern.

Warfare within is often reflected in relationships, representing a battleground that seeks to dominate our internal and external lives. We feel endangered by uncertainty, but there is one truth of which we can be sure. This is not the way God intended for us to live. Healing requires vulnerability with God, ourselves, and others.

When we allow ourselves to trust the reality of His love more than the fear that has driven trauma, anxiety, and codependency, we can open ourselves up to a process where He can do the unseen work, that will reflect a transformation in how we perceive and relate to Him, ourselves, and others.

Undertaking forward movement

With God

The Father has created us for intentional connection, beginning with Him. In the secret place of the soul, the Spirit of God longs to ease and bring wholeness to the recesses of our hearts and minds. Through Jesus Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, we can begin to encounter God’s original design for relationship.

He is the One who empowers us to release our attachment to the identity that trauma has cemented within us. Our state of divine belonging, acceptance, and approval outweighs the codependent ways that we have known ourselves through the history and practice of harmful beliefs and behaviors (Ephesians 1:6).

With self

It is essential to remember that the Holy Spirit is overseeing the entirety of our spiritual and personal development journey (Philippians 1:6). We can become more aware of the issues that obstruct our ability to see ourselves clearly. We have a coach to cheer us forward, even in times when we revert to defensive or reactive behaviors.

If we lapse into old patterns occasionally or exhibit forms of aggression or passivity, we don’t need to berate ourselves or abandon the healing journey. Repenting, recommitting, and remaining present enables us to hear others and assume the worthwhile risks of allowing ourselves to be heard (1 John 1:9).

When we see ourselves or others as barriers to overcome, our mentality blocks us from welcoming the blessings that God often administers through unlikely circumstances. The Lord has established a covenant with us.

He has already completed transformative work within, though we are still walking through difficult elements of the process (1 John 3:2). Let’s embrace the grace that undergirds growth. Here, the lens of the Father’s love shifts how we regard ourselves, ascribe worth to Him, and honor others.

With others

Some people may be safer than others. Learning how to establish and navigate boundaries with grace can be a life skill that helps us to affirm and maintain healthier relationships. We don’t have to be manipulated by past pain and trauma that would induce us to shut everyone out or dominate those that we keep close. Neither do we need to overly concern ourselves or control what other people are thinking, feeling, or doing.

Replacing the mindset and habits associated with codependency and anxiety will nourish connections marked by love and wholeness, instead of sparring out of diminished security.

Next steps to get help for trauma

While there are some things that we can influence in life, there are many that we cannot. Jesus, in His wise and practical manner, made this clear throughout the times spent living and teaching those who followed Him.

We cannot eliminate the past that produced trauma, anxiety, and a codependent attempt to control what is beyond our ability or realm. However, we can heal, change, and grow out of these maladaptive ways of responding to our past. We don’t have to spar with the Lord or those we encounter, but rather express our love and trust by submitting and surrendering to His knowledge, power, and presence.

Wherever you are in your journey, you don’t have to remain imprisoned by your past. Although the adversary threatens, as a roaring lion, you don’t have to succumb to him in fear. Jesus has already equipped you with what you need to move forward with His Spirit for Comfort and the availability of professional therapists.

Embrace the tools that He is revealing now, even as you search this site to connect with an empathetic counselor. Spar no longer; you will find the support and the strength you need to stand in faith, surrendering the fight to the Champion who has secured victory for your soul.