Active Listening Exercises and Strategies for Better Communication

How often during a conversation do we truly listen, not only to hear what a person is saying but to also learn how they’re feeling and what they’re experiencing? Or do we simply just hear their words, while formulating our response before they’ve even had a chance to complete their thought? If your answer is the latter, you’re in good company.

In her book, Marriage Rules, psychologist Harriet Lerner ponders, “If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard.” As humans, we long to be heard; we have an innate desire to be understood. Yet, only by truly listening, by practicing active listening exercises, can we offer the gift of being heard to our friends and loved ones.

“We have to listen to understand in the same way we want to be understood.” – Brené Brown

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Active listening is a skill that can be learned and developed over time. Although it seems like it should be quite simple, it can take time and practice to do well and to develop the habit of doing it consistently.

For some people, active listening comes more naturally than it does for others, but thankfully, anyone can learn to do it effectively. For anyone who makes the effort, practicing active listening exercises will pay dividends throughout their lives by enhancing their relationships and improving their well-being.

What is active listening?

How does active listening differ from how we normally listen or from simply hearing the other person’s words? When we simply listen to the words someone is saying, we’re only hearing them in a passive sense. Active listening involves interaction with the speaker.

When you listen with multiple senses and focus completely on what is being said, the speaker’s body language and tone of voice, and when you nod or lean in a bit, they can see that you’re listening, and we’re sending the message that we’re interested and want to know more.

This is active listening. By conveying your interest, you encourage the speaker and reinforce that, not only are their words important to you, but they are, as well. Often this encouragement can help the speaker communicate more effectively and allow them to provide more information and insight.

The active listener can communicate their interest through verbal or audible messages, such as “Yes,” “Mmhmm,” or “Sure.” Interest and attention can also be conveyed through non-verbal communication like eye contact, facing the speaker, nodding your head, and mirroring their body language, all of which show the speaker that you are focused on them, and their message is important to you.

Affording the speaker this feedback loop of positive reinforcement will help them to be more comfortable and communicate more openly and honestly.

Often, active listening is more natural when you’re expressing empathy and support with someone you love. However, communicating care and empathy is an important skill in all types of conversations – at home, in family relationships, and also at work.

One of the most significant results of active listening is that the speaker understands that you are listening and feels heard, understood, and respected. This helps to avoid misunderstandings and significantly reduces the potential for conflict.

10 active listening exercises and techniques

Read on to learn a variety of active listening exercises and techniques that will help you have more effective communication, make your conversation partners feel more valued, and improve your relationships with friends, loved ones, and colleagues.

Maintain eye contact and face the speaker

Eye contact is a key part of in-person conversation; however, eye contact that is intense or unwavering may make your conversation partner feel like they’re being challenged to a no-blinking stare-down competition. Not only can this be intimidating, it can also feel a little creepy, especially when speaking to someone you don’t know well or in a professional situation. It is important to be aware of the context of the conversation.

As a general guideline, if eye contact doesn’t come naturally, try to briefly break eye contact for a few seconds. When breaking your gaze briefly, look to the side, rather than looking down. Looking down may be interpreted as a non-verbal cue to wrap up the conversation. Another strategy is to look at one eye for about five seconds, and then change your gaze to the speaker’s other eye.

Your posture is also important. It needs to be open, with your body facing the speaker. Crossing your arms and legs closes your posture and may make you appear defensive or uninterested. On the other hand, leaning forward or slightly sideways is a good way to communicate that you’re listening. Tilting your head slightly or resting your head on your hand also conveys interest and that you’re paying attention to the speaker.

Notice non-verbal cues

As the other person speaks, make a point of observing their body language. When conversing face-to-face, facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, posture, and other forms of body language are often even more important and meaning-filled than the words being spoken.

Did the person say that everything was going just fine with their arms crossed tightly against their body? Are they smiling, frowning, avoiding eye contact? If they are rubbing their eyes or forehead, could they be tired or might they be upset? When speaking with someone on the phone, you only have the person’s voice to consider in addition to their words. Listen carefully to tone of voice, volume, and tempo.

The more you practice these active listening exercises, the more quickly your observation skills will improve. Keep in mind, however, that non-verbal cues are just that – cues or hints. They are subjective, so their meaning is only as accurate as your interpretation. Avoid jumping to conclusions or “mind-reading” based on someone’s body language.

Resist the urge to interrupt

How annoying is it when someone continues to speak while you are trying to interrupt them? Come to think of it, that’s getting it backward, isn’t it? Interrupting the speaker is frustrating to them and gives them the impression that you view yourself as more important than they are or that you are simply not interested in what they have to say, or what they think, or how they feel.

Not only is interrupting a barrier to active listening and effective communication, it can damage relationships. If you tend to interrupt, make a concerted effort to hold your thought and focus on what the speaker is saying, rather than what you want to say.

Because everyone’s brain is unique and some people process information more quickly than others, it can be difficult to resist the urge to interrupt when the speaker is pausing to find their words.

If you’re one of those quick thinkers who tend to speak quickly and interrupt as well, not only is this inconsiderate, but others may perceive you as selfish or rude. Wait to begin speaking until the speaker pauses after completing their thought. Conversely, quick speakers should also remember to pause when they’re talking so others can have a chance to enter the conversation.

Suspend judgment and avoid emotional reactions

Once the listener begins to react emotionally, they are no longer engaged in active listening and become unable to focus on the speaker and their message, creating a barrier to effective listening and positive communication. To keep this from happening, attempt to acknowledge to yourself the emotions you’re feeling in a non-judgmental way, refocus on the speaker, and simply listen.

Other pitfalls to active listening involve attempting to predict what the speaker will say next or judging their message before they’ve actually completed their thought. Both will keep the listener from fully understanding the speaker’s message.

Don’t formulate your response while the speaker is still talking

Particularly in conversations where the speaker and listener have differing opinions, it’s common for the listener to start formulating their response and silently rehearsing it while the speaker is still talking. Contrary to popular opinion, the human brain isn’t able to multi-task. Mentally preparing your response will inhibit your ability to listen and accurately process the speaker’s message.

Demonstrate your engagement

Through both verbal and non-verbal encouragement, active listeners can demonstrate their interest and engagement. Nodding, smiling, and verbal cues like “sure,” “mhmm,” and “yes” at appropriate times show that you are listening and encourage your conversation partner to continue. Repeating the speaker’s thought and phrasing it as a question emphasizes that you have been listening and understanding what they have been saying.

On the other hand, fidgeting or looking away such as looking at your phone or fingernails will quickly send the message that you are not listening and do not value the speaker or their message.

Don’t offer solutions unless invited to do so

Often when someone is telling us about a problem they’re having, our first reaction is to provide them with a solution. While this may seem logical and helpful, quite often the speaker simply wants to process the situation verbally and is not looking for a solution. They may simply want you to listen and provide support by giving them your undivided attention, empathy, and time.

If you feel a burning desire to share your opinion, ask for the speaker’s permission before you do so. One example might be, “Can I offer a suggestion, or would you rather I just listen?”

Focus on the conversation

If you find that your mind is wandering, one method of remaining focused on a conversation is by silently repeating the words in your mind as you hear them. This not only reinforces what you have heard, but it assists you as you concentrate on what the person is saying. This will also help you disregard other distractions like nearby conversations or other noises.

Be inquisitive

Asking questions is a great way to show the other person that you’re paying attention and allows them to clarify their thoughts. Open-ended questions encourage them to continue speaking and provide more detail, and illustrate that you’re an attentive listener. Some examples of open-ended questions are, “How did you feel then?” and “What happened after that?”

Be cautious not to interrupt with your questions. Wait for the speaker to take a breath or for a pause in their speech.

Paraphrase, reflect, summarize

Paraphrasing, reflecting, and summarizing are all forms of repeating back to the speaker what they have said in your own words, but with varying levels of detail and content. Paraphrasing what a person has said is essentially repeating what they’ve said but rephrasing it in your own words. An example of this would be, “I am hearing you say [rephrase what they’ve said] . . . is that right?”

Reflecting is similar to paraphrasing, but rather than simply rephrasing the content of what’s been said, reflection responds to the emotional content of what the speaker has said. An example of a reflection would be, “It sounds like you might be feeling anxious about the presentation. Could that be?”

When you summarize what the speaker has said, you repeat back what you’ve heard, but in a condensed version, highlighting the main points. Paraphrasing, reflecting, and summarizing the speaker’s words shows them that you’re engaged and allows them to correct any misconceptions that may have arisen.

Practicing active listening exercises

Some of these active listening exercises and techniques may feel a bit awkward at first but with practice, active listening leads to better communication, understanding, and enhanced relationships. You can practice these techniques in real-time during actual conversations, or you can practice active listening exercises by taking turns with a partner in the roles of speaker and listener.

During one exercise, the speaker spends about three minutes describing something, such as their commute to work or an activity they recently participated in. Meanwhile, the listener practices their active listening skills by listening attentively, maintaining eye contact, watching for non-verbal clues, suspending judgment, and practicing paraphrasing, reflecting, and summarizing.

The speaker can then provide feedback to the listener about their experience and if they felt heard and understood. The listener then provides a summary to determine if they heard what the speaker was sharing, including emotional content.

Another active listening exercise is called “uninterrupted listening.” During this exercise, the speaker can express their needs or feelings for three to five minutes, while the listener remains silent, only providing non-verbal cues like head nods, and can’t interrupt or use verbal cues. After the time is up, the listener should summarize the speaker’s message, and then the speaker can share how the listener did and if they felt heard and understood.

Active listening exercises are also an excellent tool for couples to use to improve their mutual listening skills, increase empathy, and enhance emotional connection. Remember, “Listen to learn.” If we can keep this in mind during any conversation, we will become better listeners and improve our relationships.

Active listening and Christian counseling

If you’re looking for additional help to better understand active listening or improve your communication with loved ones and colleagues,, please browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to schedule an appointment. We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.